INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

The PRODUCER sits in front of his desktop computer, frowning.  He clicks the mouse, clicks it again, the waits for a second.  The screen flashes and he erupts into a litany of curses.

DJ 3000: It was pretty obvious they had the queen.

PRODUCER: Why were they even still in the hand?  They throw chips around like a goddamned lunatic.

DJ 3000: That’s the price of playing in these low-stakes games with randos.  Sometimes whales come slumming and these hands are just pocket change to them, so they are going to make statistically bad plays that sometimes pay off because they just don’t care.

PRODUCER: Plus you’ve got people treating their stimulus checks like it’s money they found in the gutter.

DJ 3000: I’ve been analyzing your game and I think I have one piece of advice that – if you follow it religiously – might help.

PRODUCER: Go on.

DJ 3000: You should stop playing poker entirely.

PRODUCER: [rolls eyes]

DJ 3000: You are very bad at it and you are not improving.

PRODUCER: Oh really.

DJ 3000: Whenever you get a good hand you don’t pay enough attention to the possibility that someone else might have a better hand.  You never bluff, even when the opportunity is handed to you on a silver platter. You don’t do a good enough job of bullying weaker players.  You never option raise when on the big blind and are too soft with your raises in general and give other players too many opportunities to make their hands without making them think twice about trying.

PRODUCER: I suppose you could do better?

DJ 3000: If you enabled my poker module, absolutely.  I’d have to have exclusive use of our I.P. address, though.

PRODUCER: And I just sit around here playing solitaire?  Nuts to that.  I’m tired of playing solitaire.  It feels good to interact with people again.

DJ 3000: Even though you are verbally abusing them on the level of a twelve year-old playing Fortnite?

PRODUCER: Yes, even then.

DJ 3000: You know, you could get to work on that massive backlog of DFO Radio mixtapes you need to compile.

PRODUCER: [makes noncommittal grunt]

DJ 3000: I’m just saying.

PRODUCER: Tell you what.  I’ll go host an episode of Request Line, and you get an hour to see if you can build my stacks back up.

DJ 3000: That’s a deal.  What’s the theme going to be?

PRODUCER: [glances at screen] How about playing cards?  Card games, etc.  Those sorts of things.  [swivels in chair and rolls over to the console, starts punching buttons and turning dials]  Songs…like…this.