Beerguyrob is off tonight, hopefully rollicking in mirth. He deserves nothing less. Me? I’m in a foul mood. Didn’t want to say anything, but 2020 is starting to irk.
After four months of lockdown, in the midst of a tyranny, you start to look for a silver lining to grab onto, and seize to garrote the next person who questions mask wearing. (AK-wielding, or otherwise.) Personally, those who do wear a mask but not cover the nose deserve only a knee to the nuts. Hey, I’ve read the literature: having mercy humanizes us.
Gotta admit, my faith is being tested about there being an NFL season this year. I want the season to start as scheduled, but I do get the heebie jeebies thinking that the league will become the biggest infection pool this side of Jaguars Stadium. On second thought, the NFL gives me mostly heebies, unlike College football—that’s Jeeby-Central. Yeah, open the campuses. University students have spent generations never rubbing against each other.
In what I thought was Antonio Brown’s suspension being overturned, House Organ NFL.com reports “NFL embracing challenge of coexisting with virus in 2020”. It’s about Covid, of course, which explains the yooge letdown (“coexisting”) after the triumphalist “embracing… challenge!” I too love when the inevitable is cast as optional, grist for legendary grit. Here’s a link to the thing and allow me to add, for comparison’s sake, a more intellectually honest piece of #content.
Talons Out! Via @johanstrauss91
Today’s hot take is by Odell Beckham, Jr. The Pauls receiver told the Wall Street Paywall:
We’re not ready for football season. So why are we trying to push forward? It’s obviously for their money. And that bothers me because there’s always been this—and I hate saying it like that—but the owners’ [attitude is], ‘Oh we own you guys,’ and just kind of that unfairness going on that they don’t see us as human. I just feel like the season shouldn’t happen and I’m prepared for it to not happen and I wouldn’t mind not having it. (Via bleacherreport.com).
After the item came out, @MaryKayCabot clarified that Beckham did the interview two weeks ago, and that he “has no plans of opting out”. Today.
Incidentally, ESPN also reported today that the NFL opt out deadline “is now expected to be Thursday or Friday” (no link, for risk of Stephen A. video). 2020 in a nutshell: nothing’s certain.
Of course, this year Tits @ Donks is the second leg of the Opening MNF (The Jurrell Casey Revenge Game!). I still want it, as scheduled, but not at the expense of everybody getting Covid.
Wait—
/checks both rosters
Yeah… I can’t wish disease for anybody. Meh. Sports and politics were more fun when I wanted people to suffer and die.
Also today–on this day, I should say–a football legend was born. His efficiency in the last minutes left opponents awed and demoralized. Even when the defense guessed “Pass 2” correctly, Tecmo Bowl Todd Christensen (1956-2013) would make a 3-yard gain—at least!
Christensen shares a birthday with some Tampa QB who is not able to scramble the 1.2 seconds Super Todd requires for separation.
The Las Vegas Sun reports that the hometown Raiders will host no fans in their first season at Allegiant Stadium. It was in a letter from Mark Davis to season ticket holders. The report alleges that it’s because of the pandemic. I can only hope investigative reporting gets to the bottom of this news so I can cash my “construction delays” bet.
Via Everybody and their social media account, The Rock bought part of the XFL today.
All respect for The Rock. Wives and GFs in the 35-55 range looove him. Your beautician’s opinion may vary.
Tonight Sprots—listen. I dunno if it’s an issue due to data collection from Safari, Chrome, or the not-pirated (honest!) version of Internet Explorer in La Compu. But I type “espn.com” and automatically get ESPN Deportes. Sucks for TV listings, but it keeps my life free of Stephen A. I owe you one, Universe.
All times Central / DFO Time:
NBA Bubble (via Sports MTV)
Grizzlies vs. Pelicans – 5:30, ESPN
Spurs vs. Sixers – 7:00
Lakers vs. Jazz – 8:00, ESPN
Fútbol – Secsi Mexi (Id.)
Atlas vs. Pumas, 7:00 PM
León vs. Monterrey, 9:00 PM
Based Balls (Via mlb.com)
Tigers @ Cardenales – ¡CANCELADO! Take note, NFL. This is how San Luis coexists:
Phillies (Arrieta, 0-0) @ Y*nk*s (Cole, 2-0) – 6:05. Like to keep this slur-free. De nada.
Mets (deGrom, 0-0) @ Bravos (Soroka, 0-0) – 6:10
Pirates (Holland, 0-0) @ Twines (Thorpe, 0-0) – 7:10
White Sox (Rodón, 0-1) @ Cerveceros (Anderson, 0-0) – 7:10
Royals (Duffy, 0-1) @ Ositos (Mills, 1-0) – 7:15
Giants (Cueto, 0-0) @ Rockis (González, 0-0) – 7:40
A’s (Montas, 0-1) @ Marineros (Sheffield, 0-1) – 8:10
Dodgers (Buehler, 0-0) @ Padres (Paddack, 1-0) – 8:10
HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY! (info via nhl.com)
The NHL oUrgy continues! The top-shelf vitriol on last Saturday’s fútbol post moved me to watch most of the CHI@EDM Game 1. A whole day watching the NHL sounds grand.
Tonight’s Action:
Stars vs. Golden Knights (@ Edmonton, 0-0) – 5: 30
Canadiens vs. Penguins (@ Tirana, Montréal leads 1-0) – 7 PM NBCSN
Blackhawks vs. Oilers (@ Edmonton, Chic*g* leads 1-0) – 9:30 NBCSN
Oof. That is A LOT of sprots.
If you’re still pining for silly, foreign stylings like MXC, may I suggest Vampiros en La Habana (“Vampires in Havana”), a Cuban cartoon movie from the 80s. Fear not, it’s subtitled and 73 minutes of whimsy and sticking it to capitalists pigs. It’s also NSFW (technically), politically incorrect (definitely), and the music is by Arturo Sandoval. In short,
All gifs via giphy.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3D7Y_ycSms&feature=emb_logo
Let he who has not
/reads headline again
//casts first stone
“I told you!” -Pete C., Seattle, WA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKkK1n7bfhQ
So Sturgis is still happening. So be prepared for First Wave Part III!
https://www.forbes.com/sites/nicholasreimann/2020/08/02/south-dakota-to-host-hundreds-of-thousands-for-sturgis-motorcycle-rally-starting-friday/
I would expect nothing less from the state where they arrested the indigenous folk protesting the Cheeto on their own land!
I’m too lazy to track down the Orson Welles slow clap meme.
I LOVE this map!
AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA
Oh my god is this good.
Trump is so bad at business he cant even see that masks are just one more thing he can slap “MAGA” on and get his dumb ass cult follower to shell out $20 for his “campaign” where he will funnel into his defense fund
I’ve had Witch Doctor stuck in my head since Trump palled up with that lunatic. Ching Chang, Walla Walla Bing Bang! Somebody kill me.
Thanks, I feel better now!
Well, Dirt Falcons have, what, approximately zero starting pitching now?
Good Calgary kid blew his achilles. Ouch.
OUI
TABERNAC!
SWANK
CHIC!
Right now I am watching the Chupacabra episode of Unsolved Mysteries. I really do miss this show… also Sightings they need to bring that show back. I crave poorly acted reenactments of bat shit crazy bullshit!
That people buy into.
Fucking French trash
Habs doing the opposite of not sucking shit
Just an FYI Season 5, Episode 12 of Unsolved Mysteries is a Special about MLK Jr murder… but the last story told is the acting debut of Matthew McConaughey where he gets shot and killed while… Mowing someone else’s lawn!
(Replanting the lawn every year with new seed)
“I keep getting older but the grass stays the same age!”
Marty Hart warned him not to mow his lawn.
Too much dipsy-doodling by Malkin there.
Jesus christ, they’re selling copper lined facemasks I hate this country
I know, why couldn’t they be arsenic-lined?
We’re a country full of morons
“Amatures,my masks are Silver and cost $800 a piece”
I’d recommend Asbestos lined as then it’s fire proof too
Self-defense mask.
We all know the Kars for Kids song is Hells fight song
Damn. This spag + meatballs came out saltier than a coked-up Redd Foxx.
/puts salve on both knees
Potato is your friend.
Gonna have to ask the non-Price Canadiens to stop sucking shit
My exposure to Tucker Carlson is entirely based on random screenshots I see on social media, but I’m just not sure how the human brain is supposed to survive a Benghazi-Bari Weiss-Tom Cotton trifecta. That shit is designed to erode souls and break psyches, and you have to credit the average FOX viewer for being able to speak in complete sentence after being bombarded with that level of idiocy.
Back in 03 I wan in Austin when Crossfire had a traveling talk. Tucker Carlson was there. He constantly badmouthed Fox News calling it a joke. He also said “Fox News uses ‘Fair and Balanced’ tagline because they know it pisses off the left”.
I also remember the old Nancy Grace-Glenn Beck 1-2 punch CNN’s headline news channel used to run. The vast majority of these fucks just go running to the nearest Big Bag of Cash
When Greta “Dont tell people I’m a Scientologist” Van Susteren was fired form Fox she was escorted out of the building by security. She walked back into the same building a week later working for MSNBC
That was on all the time while I had dinner at school. So much talking about little white girls and how their mothers definitely murdered them.
*to the tune of CatDog*
Tot-mom! Tot-moooooom! Alone in the world was a litlte Tot-mom!
I loved the episode of Boston Legal where the Nancy Grace like character got her head bashed in with a shovel.
That said her actual life is shitty being engaged months away from your marriage and having your fiance murdered… too bad she became shitty person from it all.
So Tucker then was in on the joke. Now I don’t know if he is still in on the joke or has the joke consumed him just like some former writer on a blog that we all liked to read.
Its a C-O-N-Spiracy I tell you… The Men in Black Episode of Unsolved Mysteries is not available for streaming on Peacock
What Men in Black?
So I went to Modell’s with Senorita Weaselo in Brooklyn the other day because the one near me on the Queens/Nassau had nothing that fit me/I liked and they’re going out of business (cue slightly happy Cleveland fans) so everything’s 40% off or more, including the fixtures. Not a joke, if you wanted the break room fixtures they were for sale.
Absolute fucking shitshow, just a maze of empty sneaker boxes. I don’t know how in fuck’s name I found a pair I tolerated (which is saying something because I haven’t worn Adidas in at least 15 years, but hey, $35 isn’t terrible).
Atlanta Strip Club is going to be a fantasy sports name for a while, isn’t it.
Used to be youd just catch a few new virus strains, maybe 18 years of child support, by going there. But now…
I might change from The Murder Hornets since they don’t seem to be a thing anymore
Finally started watching what we do in the shadows. Fantastic
I find it significantly better than the movie and have been shamed for saying such things
The show knows how to do finale’s.
The show or actually what we do do in the shadows?
Signed the paperwork for a new car tonight. Picking it up tomorrow.
I heard they fixed the gas tank issue on those new Pintos, so you should be good to go!
Yo dawg, I heard you like paperwork so we put paperwork in your paperwork so you can sign while you sign.
/Congrats, what is it?
I always wanted an Italian car. So I got a Jeep Renegade.
(watching Avengers: Infinity War)
Movie Thanos: “I want to kill half of everyone in the Universe because the Universe is overpopulated and people will run out of food and starve.”
Comic Thanos: “I want to kill half of everyone in the Universe because I wanna screw Death.”
Yeah, this is a rare instance where the movie improves the source material.
Plus without Deadpool the Death screwing competition falls a bit flat.
Eh I don’t know*, can’t he just make the universe twice as big and therefore twice as plentiful?
*The only Avengers movie I ever watched had Emma Peel and Sean Connery dressed up as furries.
I’m increasingly feeling that there will not be football. I don’t see how it can be done without a bubble system
Have there been any other known cases besides Doug and Fatty? Currently, it feels like it’s going the baseball route.
I don’t think so, but it seems like they won’t have their shit together in time
Possibly brilliant move by the nfl:
1) give no info or instructions to teams or players, causing mass confusion
2) They all go to that strip club in Atlanta and get charminvirus
3) The nfl cancels the season and blames it on them.
I think that’s baseballs plan to break the union
So now a lot DFO’ers have these cool tags after their board names like ADMIN or EDITOR or AUTHOR. Feeling a little left out here. Can the rest of us have, like, PARTICIPANT or NOT CONVICTED or something like that?
VAGRANT
HUMBLE AND HAS A BIG DICK
Mounted in my trophy room, and yes, that means two things.
TOKEN CONSERVATIVE or VIRGIN
redundant
We could call you all “hobo”, but then Scotchy’s going to need a leave of absence.
Isn’t that essentially the plot to The Ring?
He might get down here to TX, but not so much back across the border to Canada.
“Miscreant”.
But strings could be pulled for “Alleged Miscreant”
These stupid, selfish maskless motherfuckers. One of these days I’m going to shove your fucking dog right up your fucking ass, you piece of shit.
If I had any balls I’d have bodychecked the fuck out of the dipshit who passed me in the hall.
It should be legal to spray sulfur or some fart smell equivalent in the face of a mask-less person.
Let’s start with cyanide and hydrochloric acid and then on repeat offenders we get really nasty
And I’m talking about labrador retrievers and bigger
I just accidently typed in a text to my mother that I was working on the BBW instead of BBQ. I am glad that one just sailed on over her head.
Theoretically, the latter would also help with the former
Looks like we found Andy Reid’s account.
mum_cola: “Let me know if you need help with that. That’s a lot of work for one person.”
Could’ve been worse. A text for the MIL
Before I went on a date with my now GF. I was texting with her and on a separate text with my buddy from college. They both have a name that starts with JE… Well i was about to cook dinner and at the time I heard that letting your steak get up to room temperature was a good thing. So I received a txt saying”SO What are you doing” Thinking it was my buddy I responded:
“Letting my meat hangout while I take a walk”
she laughed i laughed and still together 7 yrs later
That’s a keeper
I grew up with Tecmo Super Bowl for the Sega Genesis. My go-to play for the Bengals involved HB Harold Green running out of the backfield, TE Jeff Thomason running a curl route for 10 yards and WR Carl Pickens going deep. Depending on how the defense reacts, I either have a first down, a 20-30 yard gain or a touchdown. I was able to go undefeated for three seasons in a row with QBs David Klingler and Jay Schroeder. Having no friends was fun!
I couldn’t find the play, so please accept this as an acceptable substitute.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXf6WzE6CCM
Benghazi ain’t goin’ away!!
Did Tucker manage to find himself a new head writer? The ad on Stormfront worked?
(Republican Redshirt emerges)
That’s right! We can’t trust Hillary, she’s as corrupt as… What a minute, its 2020.
Biden is…too…competent?
Oh, to hell with this, I’m going back into the subconscious where its save!
(Independent Conservative Redshirt emerges)
(pants) What did he do? He didn’t get a MAGA tattoo on my ass, again. Did he?
The other fool-proof: Dolphins Pass 3. That square cut was less than a second.
Huh. Maybe virginity wasn’t that boring.
Habs winning here will be the second best thing they’ve ever done, right behind getting skull-fucked in the 2010 ECF.
what fucking channel is Habs-Pens on? My cable listings are LIARS
Ah, the lie is about the start time. I can deal with that.
No hockey game has ever started on time
I don’t know how much my wife spends on these Hulu add ons but it should be enough that I can watch the damn hockey game.
I like where you Spanished the MLB team names, but you misspelled “Doyers”
Only the hosts. Gotta read the room, amigo.
I was elected to lead, not to read.
Found a funny:
The council has convened to try you for your many crimes.
Don’t you fuck with parachute day.
There was a similar 49ers busted play featuring Brent Jones in Tecmo Super Bowl though it was nerfed down to more like 50/50 effectiveness.
Also, after 8 months of no fights, all sorts of plans and promises, and actually maintaining an orgasm ratio of about 55 / 45 in HER FUCKING FAVOR, Porky was abruptly and savagely dumped over the weekend. Via about 115 characters of text. With no response to my understandably obvious queries. Since I’m still too stunned and embarrassed to tell my flesh friends, I thought I’d mention it here.
Suffice to say: Shit.
Shit, man. Sorry to hear that. Sounded like it was going…somewhere? Chin up and all.
It really was. And then it wasn’t.
Hell of a trust exercise.
This ain’t right..
Especially the part where “she has orgasms”
Well, fuck. Sorry. And text break-ups after more than four dates unless being stalked/ physically afraid are fucking bullshit.
*A friend of mine; his wife left a small note in the garage that he found after calling hospitals and police. That was cool.
**I appreciate the sports fan orgasm score card, that’s one thing I can relate to with the exception of giving orgasms (DETROIT LIONS!!)
Damn man. I’m very sorry. Cold breakup, but strip-the-Band-Aid quickly… You know?
Put 55 / 45 on yer profile.
Stud ?
Sorry to hear that. Sounds like she flaked out and was selfish, while you were loving and selfless with a respectable knowledge of female erogenous zones while the rest of us flail around like we’re playing whack-a-mole.
That means you will eventually find the real Mrs. Right and have a bunch of cute, little piglets while she grows older, lonelier and aloner.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoJGquLSUFw
Not if he doesn’t up his cooking game
Sorry buddy. You’re a heck of a guy and if she can’t see herself with you, it’s her loss.
That sucks sir. All the best and try not to go down Deep Depression Drive. You will come good, don’t doubt it
If there’s one lesson to be learned here, it’s that going down is a bad investment
Thanks yallz. I did learn how to use a Moka Pot, and even made improvements. A $3 brick of cheap ass Cafe Bustelo can be made goddamn delicious.
My [checks notes] second most recent girlfriend loved my cooking and had no problem sipping a glass of white wine while I, her “cooking bitch” [her words] worked all day in the kitchen. She’s still great and honestly spending my quiet time in my productive zone was a lot easier than making small talk. The sex made up for it.
(puts on wig and a shrill voice)
“Oh Porky, I still think you’re so handsome”
Check back with me after Thanksgiving, I may have you put the wig back on.
For those of us who are nerds (every single person reading this), here’s John Boyne of striped pajamas fame getting caught copy-pasting a recipe from the last Zelda game into his new historical fiction novel.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYUHkNH3ygM
Just call him Melania….
Kinda feelin the same way…
https://discourseblog.substack.com/p/how-is-it-august-already
Sports Sports Sports yea!!!
Reminds me of how I felt when Trumpenbarbie referred to FUCKING JOSEPH CAMPBELL in her little Stepford Wives monologue the other day. WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK!!?
Read three novels?! Now I know its Science Fiction!
“My friends in PR are unhappy? Get Mr. Bounty on the phone and have him send his best paper towels down there right now!”
-(The other) Don T. using his shinning powers
Friends in the ER are also unhappy.
My screen saver when 45 is jailed. It is now fulfilling its service as my shortest answer to “Why are you independentista?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJz1tYRhYmI
Do you smell what The Rock is flipping?
Smells like ass….unwashed ass.
I wonder if Mark Davis still gets his hair cut at the same place he patronized pre-VID. He probably bought his own PF Chang’s restaurant and is their only customer.
Referring to the Stalin image up top, recommend a book called The Berkut (https://www.amazon.com/Berkut-Joseph-Heywood-ebook/dp/B015U34GI8/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1CH8QFOVT91JJ&dchild=1&keywords=the+berkut&qid=1596495927&sprefix=the+berkut%2Caps%2C254&sr=8-1) if you like some well-written “what-if” history. I’ve probably read this book 15 times over the last 30 years. Worth a look.
Allons-y Habs!
/eats a terrible hot dog
//punches a cop after sobering up enough to confirm it’s a female
///pens 2000 word column on why Tyler Seguin kneeling is racist