THAT’S MY RAIQERS! YOUR 2020 OAKLAND I MEAN LAS VEGAS RAIDERS SEASON PREVIEW

INT. RAIDERS TEAM HEADQUARTERS – DAY

A team owner sits behind a large desk with noticeably rounded corners.  He sets a binder on the desk, opens it, and begins speed-reading through its contents.  After a few seconds he mutters “nothing new here” and sets it aside, then begins again with a second binder.  This one seems to get more of his attention; once he finishes with it he presses his lips together – a vaguely diabolical smile – and closes it contentedly.  

— [intercom flies open] —

LAYCEE: [via intercom] Mr. Davis?

MARK DAVIS: [picking up telephone handset] HI I’M MARK DAVIS!

LAYCEE: [via intercom] Yes, Mr. Davis.  Your three o’clock appointment is here.

MARK DAVIS: [frowns] WHY CAN’T I SEE HIM?

LAYCEE: [via intercom] He’s not in the room yet, Mr. Davis.  I’ll send him in.

MARK DAVIS: OKAY THANK YOU BYE BYE! [drops phone handset into the garbage can]

— [door flies open] —

MARCUS MARIOTA: Thanks so much for taking the time to see me, Mr. Davis.

MARK DAVIS: HI I’M MARK DAVIS!

MARCUS MARIOTA: Um…yes.  I, uh…

MARK DAVIS: WELCOME TO THE RAIDERS!

MARCUS MARIOTA: Thanks very much, Mr. Davis, it’s great to be here.

MARK DAVIS: HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEW TEAMMATES?

MARCUS MARIOTA: They’re great.  Mostly.  I haven’t had the best training camp so far, but once I’ve got a hang of Coach Gruden’s playb…

MARK DAVIS: ARE THE OFFENSIVE PLAYS HARD? I WISH WE COULD SCORE A TOUCHDOWN ON EVERY PLAY!

MARCUS MARIOTA: Coach Gruden’s offense is pretty complex, yeah.  Derek Carr seems to have a pretty good handle on it, though, and he seems to get better and better the longer he works with a coach.  So I’m optimistic that he’ll improve off last year’s 21 touchdowns against only 8 interceptions.  But as I’m sure you know, Gruden’s offense relies a lot more on the running game, and Josh Jacobs is everything to this offense.  The question isn’t whether he has the talent to deliver, it’s whether or not he can hold up to the massive workload that Gruden will be saddling him with.  He’s certainly got the mentality; the big question is whether his body can hold up.

MARK DAVIS: I HOPE YOU’RE NOT BEING MEAN TO THE NEW KID.

MARCUS MARIOTA: The new kid…who, you mean Henry Ruggs?  Or one of the other new receivers – there’s a lot of them.  Henry’s not being treated differently than any other rookie.  All Derek wants to do is throw to Hunter Renfrow anyways. And the tight ends, he seems to really like those guys too. We’re not going to be lighting up the scoreboard this season, but when do we ever?

MARK DAVIS: SO IT SOUNDS LIKE THE DEFENSE IS GOING TO HAVE TO STEP UP AND KEEP THIS TEAM IN GAMES.

MARCUS MARIOTA: I mean, that’s not an area I can really speak to, but yeah, they will have their work cut out for them.  I guess the best thing you could say about last year’s squad is that the were “aggressively mediocre”.  As good as the offense was about keeping control of the ball, the defense was even worse about taking it away – only the Chargers were worse.  The defense is pretty much the same as it always is; a rotation of draft reaches and iffy free agents in the secondary and on the defensive line along with the most neglected linebacking corps in the league.

MARK DAVIS: ARE WE GOING TO BE A GOOD TEAM, MARCUS?

MARCUS MARIOTA: Well…

MARK DAVIS: BE HONEST!

MARCUS MARIOTA: Probably not, no.  I don’t think we’ll be much worse than last year, but it’s hard to see us getting much better, either.  With the move to a new city, and coronavirus throwing things into turmoil, it’s hard to see us staying focused and making any significant strides forward.

MARK DAVIS: OH.

MARCUS MARIOTA: But you know all this, Mr. Davis.  What I wanted to talk to you about is these weird emails I’ve been receiving.

MARK DAVIS: I SEE.

MARCUS MARIOTA: They’re from a guy who calls himself “Q”.  Originally I though they were from my old coach Chip Kelly, doing some kind of a “quack quack” thing like we used to do, but Chip said it’s not him and he says he’s too busy with this militia thing he’s doing to mess around with anything like that.  And I realized that they come from a Raiders.com address, so I think it has to be someone involved with the franchise.

MARK DAVIS: WHAT DO THE EMAILS SAY?

MARCUS MARIOTA: Some weird, weird stuff. Like at first I thought it was some motivational stuff, like “where we go one, we go all” and something about a football, but then it went way off the deep end.

MARK DAVIS: DID IT SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOW LARRY NASSAR WAS FRAMED?

MARCUS MARIOTA: It did, yeah!  And then there was this stuff about how Bill and Hillary Clinton were about to be arrested for murdering Seth Rich along with MS-13, and that Robert Mueller was actually an inside man working to bring down this Deep State cabal…

MARK DAVIS: [finishing in unison with MARCUS MARIOTA]…OF CHILD MOLESTERS!

MARCUS MARIOTA: Wait…

MARK DAVIS: AND HOW YOU CAN PREVENT CORONAVIRUS BY RINSING YOUR FEET WITH A DILUTE BLEACH SOLUTION MIXED WITH HYDROCHLOROQUINE?

MARCUS MARIOTA: Yeah, but I’ve never…

MARK DAVIS: AND HOW YOU CAN IDENTIFY FELLOW MEMBERS OF THE RESISTANCE?

MARCUS MARIOTA: Yeah, by the fact that they order pizza with…

MARK DAVIS reaches into his top desk drawer and withdraws a baseball cap.  He smiles thinly as he puts it on, then punches the intercom button.

MARK DAVIS: [into intercom] LAYCEE I WANT SOME PIZZA.

LAYCEE: [via intercom] Yes, Mr. Davis.  The usual?

MARK DAVIS: [into intercom] YES I WANT A PIZZA WITH HALF BACON AND PINEAPPLE AND THE OTHER HALF WITH PEPPERONI AND SAUSAGE AND…

MARCUS MARIOTA: [finishing in unison with him]…bananas…wait…that’s…are you the one who has been sending me these emails?

MARK DAVIS: That’s right, Marcus.

MARCUS MARIOTA: But…why?

MARK DAVIS: Because I wanted to recruit you, my young friend.

MARCUS MARIOTA: I’m already on the team.

MARK DAVIS: I’m talking about a different team.  We’re going to need the help of people like you.

MARCUS MARIOTA: “We”?  Wait, are you…are you part of “Q”?

MARK DAVIS: [touches his nose] Very astute, Marcus.

MARCUS MARIOTA: What do you want from me? What do you want me to do?

MARK DAVIS: At the moment?  Nothing.  I want you to play backup quarterback to the best of your abilities.  Do you think you can do that?

MARCUS MARIOTA: Of course I can.  But…

MARK DAVIS: And that’s all for now.  I need to know I can trust you before we move onto bigger things.  So go about your life, and when the time comes I will be in touch again.

MARCUS MARIOTA shakes his head in confusion and gets up to leave.

MARCUS MARIOTA: I’m sorry, Mr. Davis, I’m not interested in being a part of this…whatever this is.  I’ll keep this conversation between us, but…

MARK DAVIS: Oh, there’s no need for secrecy!  Tell Laycee.  Tell your teammates.  Tell the world.  The best part is…no one will ever believe you.

MARCUS MARIOTA steps towards the door.

MARK DAVIS: Oh, and Marcus?

MARCUS MARIOTA looks back.

MARK DAVIS: Trust the plan.