Eventual Balls Thoughts XXIX – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

ballsofsteelandfury - September 1, 2020August 31, 2020

Eventual Balls Thoughts is on this week on Tuesday instead of Monday because of the AFL’s compressed schedule, We will return to the normal schedule next week, I assure you.

In the meantime, I have to say good job to Litre_cola who correctly guessed that last Friday’s Sexy ladies were wearing jerseys of South American teams. Many of you guessed South American NATIONAL teams, but that was not technically correct as there were club teams represented on their bosoms.

Don’t you love the word “bosoms”?

I know Tom Hanks does. Anyhoo, it was a mix of national teams and club teams from South America.

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The Week in DFO

Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

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That guy was the best. “I would like all you fat slobs to shut up for a minute so that your women can get a look at a real man.”
Horatio

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First rule of Fap Club: Find out why the fuck we’re in a club.
SonOfSpam

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I combined Raisin Bran, Cheerios, and Cinnamon Life in one bowl for a potpourri of dry cereal. I’d post the recipe but I don’t want to upstage Yeah Right.
monty this seems strange to me

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A man walks into a bar in New Orleans: Can I have a Corona and two hurricanes please. Bartender: That’ll be $20.20
RTD

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For just 19.99 I can send you my own personal patented guaranteed to work physical therapy regimen. You’ll get access to thousands of exclusive training videos to watch while completing lots of short (very short), repetitive stroking motions.
herodotus450

Careful with this. I signed up for the regimen and all the videos were exclusively of men.
It still worked, but I haven’t had much luck with resale.
SonOfSpam

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Found a funny:
Bob the Builder: Can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: Please just sign the papers, Robert.
rockindog

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“on the receiving end of another Kyle Shanahan bed-shitting”
I see Horatio is trying to increase our German membership
LemonJello

Gotta get those international views up
Sharkbait

Those stock options aren’t going to increase themselves.
Horatio

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The Chiefs are hands down the favorite to win the Super Bowl and top 5 fan bases to spread the ‘rona through unsanctioned tailgates.
BFC

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I have to say that I am VERY surprised the letter from Mark Davis wasn’t written in crayon.
Balls

and why does every sentence end with 2 periods?
Game Time Decision

Because if his mom had had two periods, she’d be Georgia Frontiere.
Beerguyrob

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If Alexa Bliss had a lick my face night, tWBS would come back from the grave.
BFC

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found a funny:
stacy’s mom has got a throwing arm / she says
go deep
and it sails for so long
stacy can’t you see that your mom could play QB
rockindog

“That’s why I’m in love with Stacy’s mom.”
– Rex G.
Dunstan

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last funny:
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life.
Dog: that is correct.
rockindog

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“My Parents are Cunts, Where are the Child Protective Services When You Need Them?”
Bit wordy for a book title, might need to be tightened up for the Hallmark Movie version.
Viva La Tabula Raza

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5 stars just for that last paragraph.
And not sure if my Hippo to English is better or what, but I understood most of this.
Game Time Decision

Right? I was afraid I’d had a stroke or something, it all seemed to read so much easier…
LemonJello

My Hippo futbol translator is up to date. My Hippo footbaw translator is compatible to a TRS 80 computer.
Litre_cola

Trash80! I can remember us oohing and ahhhing over those. It felt like The Future!
Gumbygirl

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So Flight Simulator is pretty good
Sharkbait

Opening a Saudi flight school?
LemonJello

Student: “Hey, when do we cover the landing part?”
Instructor: (laughs heartily in Terrorist)
SonOfSpam

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So, every three months or so at work I get a phone call something like this (out there on the net it says we handle fresh fruit and vegetables)
Guy: “Are you looking for a containerload of mangoes? I’ve got a good price”
Me: “A containerload? No.”
Guy: “What about avocados? They’re fresh.”
Me: “No.”
Guy: “Maybe you can split a load. What kinda volume do you do?”
Me: “Oh, about 5 cases of each per week.”
Guy: “Oh…”
scotchnaut

Guy: “Oh, smaller volume then.”
Scotchy: “Right.”
Guy: “I currently have two and a half cucumbers in my ass. How much for them?”
Scotchy: “That doesn’t sound appealing.”
Guy: “But I a-peeled them before insertion.”
Scotchy: “Geez, I can’t even imagine what state they’re in.”
Guy: “Right now? The pro-state”
Scotchy: “Sorry, can’t help you. Hope you find a solution.”
Guy: “Yeah, if I had a solution it wouldn’t be such a pickle. OR MAYBE IT WOULD!”
SonOfSpam

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Look, I don’t know why you guys are always on Boston about racism. The Bruins defense clearly joined today’s boycott.
Dunstan

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Damn right. Only double digit probes for me.
Mr. Ayo

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I don’t like this story. No fun for monkeys.
nomonkeyfun

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English pig-dogs. I fart in their general direction!
Gumbygirl

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This is without question the laziest and least informative season preview that this site has ever published. FIRE THIS WRITER!
RTD

Counterpoint: This is the hard-hitting, incisive reporting this site desperately needs. GIVE THIS WRITER A RAISE!
Gumbygirl

Miniature football helmets for some, oversized spiked shoulder pads for others…
LemonJello

Wait. Writers get paid???
Sharkbait

In Canadian Tire money.
LemonJello

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Have you seen Darnold?
He’s a fucking methed out redneck.
blaxabbath

“That’s A VERY SPECIAL methed out redneck, sir”
LemonJello

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Lots of folks prefer 2% but I prefer hole milk.
scotchnaut

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Are we supposed to notice the little navel-to-pubis isthmus of hair? There are some other distracting things in evidence, so maybe not.
Viva La Tabula Raza

Treasure trail!

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I guess the lesson is that educating miscreants doesn’t get you out of hell.
BFC

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Hell? That’s nothing. Fozz lives in Baltimore!
Yeah Right

Well, he resides there; no one really LIVES in Baltimore.
Horatio

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We here at HRTN want to take time out for a PSA.
Hi, I’m Horatio Cornblower, (shown here actual size), and as you know, I’m (allegedly), a really cool Zen and martial arts master with a gorilla for a best friend and a GI Joe Jeep for a car. And if I’ve got all that going on and I can wear a mask while going into Iguana Mart to get my Diggler’s Donuts, you can too. Don’t be a dick, wear a mask. Thank you!

“I, and Oxipug (RIP) approve this message.” – Litre_cola

“Hi I’m yeah right. If you ever wanted to bring your ass by to sample some of the savory fucking deliciousness found exclusively on Sunday Gravy then wear a motherfucking mask.
Goddammit!” – Yeah Right

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“tails never fails”
What’s that sound? Oh, just Balls’ entry music.
nomonkeyfun

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“It’s not a martini, but I mixed half Tito’s and half pineapple Fanta into a pint glass. So I understand her completely.” – Unsurprised

To paraphrase Craig Finn, there is SO MUCH JOY in this photograph.
RTD

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Ugh, I can stay up another three hours and catch the gws game live, or I can go to sleep and watch the replay in the am. This is balls’s fault for me even considering staying up.
BFC

Sprinkle a little crack in that white claw and you’ll be fine.
Mr. Ayo

I blame a lot of things on balls.
SonOfSpam

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Apparently some peaches I bought today are contaminated with salmonella, WEIRD! Where are all the good Canadian fruit dealers when you need them?
herodotus450