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{Exterior, Coach Mike Zimmer’s ranch in Northern Kentucky}

Date: Mid June 2020

[Door Flies Open]

Coach Zimmer: “Jesus Fuck if I have to spend another day inside this house I’m gonna lose my fucking mind!”

[Coach dressed in gym shorts and t-shirt walks to his garage where his home fitness center is]

CZ: “I’m going to stay out here and workout until I collapse. This lock down order is driving me insane.”

[Coach reaches up and grabs a pull-up bar and begins doing pull-ups]

CZ: “I never thought it was possible but fucking Beansie is really getting to me.”

[Coach continues doing pull-ups]

[Front door flies open]

[Beansie moving with stealth-like quickness dashes towards the garage]

CZ: “I love the little guy but Jesus he’s intentionally fucking with me, I just know it.”

[Coach continues doing pull-ups]

[Beansie walks directly underneath Coach, crouches down and leaps directly up and grabs Coach by the nutsack and begins doing pull-ups of his own]

Beansie: “EEEK EEEK EEEK!”

CZ: “AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! MARIA!!!!!!!!!!”

{The front door slams open and Maria runs into the garage. She stops and sees the situation and has to turn around to stifle tears of laughter]

CZ: “GET THIS LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER OFF OF MY BALLSACK!!! AIIIIIEEEEEEEE!”

[Maria walks slowly forward and gently grabs Beansie and backs away from Coach who has just collapsed to the floor of the garage holding his balls with both hands]

Maria: “But Coach, he’s simply doing what you are doing! He loves you and is mimicking you. He doesn’t mean any harm!”

CZ: “Doesn’t mean any harm! He damn near ripped my scrotal sack off the little fucking bastard!”

Maria: “You know what it is Coach? You two have been locked down together for three months. You’re just both getting on each others nerves. He doesn’t mean anything by it.”

CZ: “Well what about yesterday when he was trying to jam that fork in my ear?”

Maria: “It was lunch time and he was telling you to come eat.”

CZ: “By jamming a fucking fork in my ear? How about everytime I try and host a ZOOM meeting with the team, the little fucker jumps in front on my laptop and sticks his ass in the camera?”

[Beansie bends over and starts wagging his ass in the air]

Maria: [laughing] “C’mon Coach. The team loves that.”

CZ: I’m trying to have a serious meeting with my team, some of whom I’ve never even met and this is all during a global fucking pandemic and I’m supposed to think that’s funny?”

Maria: “You know Coach, things will be better when you can go to Minnesota and work with the team.”

CZ: “I’m not even positive that’s ever going to happen! Three fucking months we’ve been locked down and the NFL still hasn’t established a return to work protocol. This shit fucking sucks! All I’ve seen for the past 3 months has been you, Beansie and the inside of this fucking house! I can’t take it anymore!”

Maria: “Coach it’s OK. I was reading an article the other day about the anxiety that everyone is feeling. It’s not just you, it’s EVERYBODY and it’s world wide. People are scared and they have no idea how long this pandemic will last. We have to get used to the idea that things will never be the same as they were before the lockdown. It’s a very different world now.”

CZ: ” I know, Maria. You’re right.

[Coach puts his face in both hands and closes his eyes]

CZ: “I am. I really am scared shitless. And what happens if we get the go ahead to return to training camp? How the fuck are we supposed to have 100 fucking guys practicing on the same field together? How is that gonna work? You just know that one of these stupid fucking kids is going to go out, hit a party or a bar and bring this goddamn virus in to camp and infect everybody. Jesus Christ I’m 64 years old and have some health issues of my own. Maybe I don’t even WANT to go back to camp. Man fuck this entire fucking year!”

Maria: “But Coach? Didn’t you just sign a 3 year extension for 5 million a year?”

CZ: “That’s what I like about you, Maria. You have great perspective. Shit yes I’ll coach for another 3 years! Hell, even in a goddamn pandemic. Hey Beansie! Get over here and give me a hug you little shithead.”

Beansie: “EEEK EEEK EEEK!!”

[end]

Analysis:

Let’s do the old Additions and Subtractions thing.

Losses:

WR Stefon Diggs (via trade)

CB Trae Waynes

EDGE Everson Griffen

CB Mackensie Alexander

DI Linval Joseph

S Jayron Kearse

S Andrew Sendejo

CB Xavier Rhodes

Yes, that is a lot of starting talent that walked right out of the damn building.

ADDITIONS:

DT Michael Pierce (signed for three years, $28 million, $18 million guaranteed) – Who subsequently opted right the fuck out of the season. Awesome.

Just Sunday we added Yannick Ngakoue for a 2nd and a conditional 5th. I’m good with this.

Plus we added what was literally the largest draft class of all time:

Justin Jefferson – WR – LSU

Jeff Gladney – CB – TCU

Ezra Cleveland – OT – Boise State

Cameron Dantzler – CB – Mississippi State

D.J. Wonnum – DE – South Carolina

James Lynch – DT – Baylor

Troy Dye – ILB – Oregon

Harrison Hand – CB – Temple

K.J. Osborn – WR – Miami

Blake Brandel – OT -Oregon State

Josh Metellus – S – Michigan

Kenny Willekes – DE – Michigan State

Nate Stanley – QB – Iowa

Brian Cole – S – Mississippi State

Kyle Hinton – OC – Washburn

How will this lofty collection of luminaries do? Who the fuck knows? They had, like, 12 practices and some goddamn Zoom meetings to prepare. How can anyone expect any real contributions from this years’ rookie class?

Strength of schedule: Tied with the Rams for 10th most difficult.

What does it mean? I have no goddamn clue. I seriously don’t see this season playing to completion. I give the O/U at 5.5 completed games.

If by some miracle the season plays to completion? Fuck, man. I don’t know. Best case 10-6? Too many veterans left and the rookies had no chance to prepare. I do know the ground game should remain strong as the O-line is FINALLY starting to come together. We’ll miss Diggs in the receiving game. We’ll have 2 badass motherfuckers as edge rushers. There will also be a pair of safeties that will be a serious strength but a completely unknown situation at corner.

I am not very optimistic am I?

Sorry but I literally just now had a crushing life situation related to a new house search so I’m gonna cut it short today.

As far as the season goes, just do like I’m doing with baseball right now. Every day they play a game I’m happy to watch with no long term expectations. I’ll do the same for the NFL.

Be well and SKOL on!