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Your “The Greatest Heroes Are The Keyboard Warriors” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

/

,

NFL Notes:

  • It’s looking worse for Leonard Fournette today.
    • Not Earl Thomas worse, but pretty bad:
    • I half-expect the Patriots to pick him up & turn him into the next 2,000 yard rusher.
  • Among the people who did get paid today:
  • The league is looking to set a standard for decibel levels in empty stadiums during games.
    • According to ESPN, the league has curated an audio track that would be played at every game without fans.
      • The league’s competition committee will meet this week to finalize plans, including the maximum decibel level allowed.
      • Stadiums with fans will have the option to use the track as well.
  • Get ready for your MAGA relatives to start pounding out Facebook responses: Roger Goodell confirmed the phrases “It Takes All of Us” and “End Racism” would appear in NFL end zones this season.
    • As well, the NFL will be joining with social justice groups to promote voter registration.
    • It’s all part of the league’s “Inspire Change” program.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Islanders vs. Flyers – 7:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet360 / CBC
      • Game 5 – Isles lead 3-1
    • Canucks vs. Vegas – 9:45PM | NBCSN / CBC / Sportsnet
      • Game 5 – Vegas leads 3-1
  • NBA:
    • Jazz vs. Nuggets – 8:30PM | TNT / TSN5
      • GAME 7, BAY-BAY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKvB8YlhtZ8

  • MLB:
    • Blue Jays at Marlins – 6:30PM | FS1 / Sportsnet1
    • Athletics at Mariners – 9:30PM | FS1
  • U.S. Open Tennis:
    • First Round – 7:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN
  • MLS:
    • Toronto FC vs. Montreal – 8:00PM | TSN4

Joliet Jake has you tomorrow night for AEW Dynamite, so I’ll be back on Thursday.

Toodles.

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Redshirt

JUST HOLD THE BAT 91° IN FRONT OF YOU SO WE CAN ALL GO HOME!!!

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Evening lizard people. I played a proposal today and shit was so close to hitting the fan.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

MOAR

1
Senor Weaselo

Basically it was in one of the private public places, so they didn’t realize they needed a permit and we were initially stopped asking what we were doing with the tripods and everything else. After explaining the situation and gaining permission we said it would be 20-30 minutes.

About 50 minutes later someone the supervisor came back and asked the planning people (the guy’s sister and two best friends) “I thought you said it would be 20-30 minutes.” The guy hit traffic or something so they had to smooth it out.

Again, I don’t know how thin his patience was by the end of it. Probably fairly thin.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh. I was hoping she didn’t say yes right away and had to be talked into it.

2
Redshirt

DH-P Davidson is getting the Swing-So-We-Can-Forget-This-Damn-Game sign.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Takes me back to Little League. “Dad, what should I do here?”

“We’re down 11-3, three of your teammates are crying, and there’s no one on base. Close your eyes and swing three times; you get on base and drag this thing out an longer and you’ll walk home.”

4
Redshirt

So you’re the kid who hit that catcher in the head on a swing!

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Enough with the sex talk.

2
Redshirt

Ah ha. The Reds have scored their Middle Reliever-turned-Center Fielder. Its all going according to plan.

1
Gratliff

Apparently Joe is the first Kennedy to ever lose a primary in Massachusetts. Maybe time to stop looking to the same family to run shit after 60 years?

2
herodotus450

“Now let’s not be hasty”
-Bushes and Clintons
/is it Bushes or Bush’s or Bushs?

2
scotchnaut

No matter how you spell it, their baked beans are not very good.

3
Redshirt

No matter how they look, a Bush will always leave a bad taste in your mouth.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You are not eating the right bush.

1
scotchnaut

It was burning, for Christ’s sake! Everyone deserves a 2nd chance.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You can’t always see the tracks.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

For bear hunting too.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

The smell of burning porn ‘stache can take some getting used to.

1
Redshirt

DH Matt Davidson with the fearsome 64 MPH WTF Pitch.

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SonOfSpam

Isn’t that the guy who hosted That’s Incredible?

1
Redshirt

Possibly. He came out of nowhere to be the Opening Day DH. My theory is he was a diehard fan who showed up anyway out of tradition, the Reds felt sorry for him and they gave him a jersey and put him in the 6-hole.

Why else would he get a high number in #64? That’s a September call-up number!

1
Gumbygirl

That guy used to stay with his grandparents at the place my family had a summer cottage. The young moms used to totally perv on him at the pool when he was a nubile young teenager, according to my mom who was there! She said she was pretty sure a few of them were banging him.

Last edited 5 years ago by Gumbygirl
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Senor Weaselo

“That’s pretty fast.” -Zack Greinke

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Horatio Cornblower

Post-game-almost-baseball-brawl.

No punches were thrown, of course. Not like this was a hockey game.

3
Redshirt

1st Base Umpire: “Your teammate walked. You can go to 2nd Base.”
Red Player on 1st: “With all of these people around?”

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“I’ll be there in a few.”

–Randy Travis

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Viva La Tabula Raza

So, having not visited at all since the Stalinist purge, I decided to see what Deadspin looks like these days. I only stayed for 15 seconds or so. It appears as though they have hired some replacement writers, and comments do not seem to be part of the experience. That whole debacle was such a shame.

1
Sharkbait

I’m still on the fence about signing up for rogue deadspin.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did you check for radiation?

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

Nah, but briefly contemplated taking a Silkwood Shower.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sexy.

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I checked out our former home. Didn’t recognise it at all and no football section at all.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Aroldis Chapman throwing a Rays’ heads with 2 outs in the 9th is a thing, I guess.

1
Redshirt

Its Chapman. He was probably aiming for the bottom outside corner of the strikezone.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Or his girlfriend on the other side of the garage.

2
Redshirt

Reds have gone old school and put the DH on the mound so he can earn his at bats like a real baseball player!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Your misspellings amuse me. But no, Marshawns cannot mate with humans. I give you Exhibit A…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSBJxtEed1s

5
WCS

Washington, BAWSTAN, and Philly losing in the playoffs?
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SonOfSpam

Luckily for everyone here, the Lakers are still playing well!

Celebrate with me, everyone!

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Sharkbait

Can we follow that up with tragic Islanders elimination in the next round?

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The father, the son, the holy crap!

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herodotus450

Classic “two goal lead is the most dangerous lead in hockey” right there .

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Redshirt

Cincy is pulling the old “Give Them a 15 Run Lead and Let Them Put Their Backups and Benchwarmers in Trick” on St. Louis.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Just so nice to see a guy like Joe Mixon finally get the break he deserves.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

One of the good ones*

*Domestic abusers

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Redshirt

Give him credit, he choose to stay in Cincinnati for the peak of his career. That could be considered an act of contrition.

1
herodotus450

Well he’s dished out so many breaks over the years, only fair he gets one back.

1
Wakezilla

“Stadiums with fans will have the option to use the track as well”

Piping in fan noise? Who would have thought what the Colts were doing 15 years ago would be considered ground breaking stuff now?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

I see Drew’s writing for The Onion now.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I thought he was……

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ballsofsteelandfury

So, social experiment: Does the presence of a MAGA hat stop a liberal boner in its tracks?

Discuss…
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ballsofsteelandfury

Sample 2:
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Last edited 5 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
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Unsurprised

Obama was as right-wing as Reagan, so I guess this is okay.

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scotchnaut

“Reagan Was As Left Wing As Obama!”*

*willing to bet that this post gets 10,000 likes on my Facebook page because this is where we are

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So it would seem.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not the liberal boner, but dealing with someone that fucking stupid is not worth it. Some women who can form a reasonable approach to certain “conservative” issues are fine. Any Trump supporter is off the fucking rails.

2
TheRevanchist

No. The answer is no, it won’t stop any physical, hormonal reaction.

2
Beerguyrob

The Reagan/Bush girl definitely has a MILFy mom that’d be right up my alley.

Are they twins twins, or Landers sisters twins?

1
Wakezilla

To be fair, you know they do anal because it’s the hetero sex that God can’t see, so it’s fair play

3
Horatio Cornblower

The MAGA hat wouldn’t even slow me down, (unfortunately for them, I guess, but I’m clearly not there for the witty conversation after), but pretty sure my wife would.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
  • You can’t see MAGA from the back.
  • It’s too dark in the van to see the hat.
  • The hat got knocked off during chloroform foreplay.
3
Gumbygirl

Today is Gumby’s 60th birthday. Hahahahahahahaha!! He’s ancient!
( Mine is the 26th)

7
ballsofsteelandfury

WhooHoo!! Congratulations!

1
Gumbygirl

We pretty much have a month long birthday festival, but I love these change of decade ones. I’m in my 50’s still, married to a much older man, for 25 days!

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Ha ha! That’s very cool! Enjoy the monthlong celebration!

1
scotchnaut

Iggy Pop (73 years old) is available to perform at your party for a slice of birthday cake, three lines of coke, 2 Bud Lights and a place to sleep.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=def3ob2h-1s

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Gumbygirl

I love him. Cake yes, coke no (been there, done that) Bud light never, but lots of weed!

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s a compensation joke, you would not be forced to consume it.

0
Senor Weaselo

And a partridge in a pear tree.

1
Sharkbait

Fuck yeah September birthdays. I’m the 8th

2
Gumbygirl

Yay! September is the greatest month!

2
TheRevanchist

Every birthday that ends with a zero must be celebrated in Vegas. I think it’s a rule in the state bylaws

That was in the before times.

Happy birthday to you both, because I’m too old to remember the 26th will be yours or anyone’s birthday by tomorrow.

1
Gumbygirl

Thanks!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Cardinals are beating Cincinnati 11-0. I don’t know why Arizona went for two, it seems like overkill, but I guess they don’t have much faith in their kicker. Anyway, lets see how Burrow responds to this…

What? St. Louis Cardinals? That a baseball team. Oh, that’s far worse.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Dumbass!

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Something something
The planes in Spain
Something something

1
scotchnaut

/Flyers down 3-1 in the series and up 2-1 in Game 5.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYcPBE5PXhs

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

As joke in a group text, I told a friend I could coach a team to a better record than Hue Jackson over a two year span.

What started out tongue in cheek, actually had me wondering if it could be done. I couldn’t do much worse at least

2
ballsofsteelandfury

It’s not that fucking difficult. It’s like being a manager in business. It’s managing personalities, motivating people, and putting people in the right place/spot to succeed.

You hire the right assistant coaches to handle the football part, I say you go 7-9 your first year.

3
scotchnaut

There it is! If you ever become a manager (of any sort whatsoever) lean into your strengths and hire good folks to cover your weaknesses.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They also need to be good scapegoats.

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

So, the Trump managerial stratergery..

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Indeed a big part of it.

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Redshirt

This is true. Most successful head coaches don’t control everything. They get coordinators and position coaches that can follow their vision and game plan and let them do the grunt work.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You just need to practice seagull management; fly in and change things out of the blue at the right time to most humiliate/ emasculate the assistant coach and then blame/ fire him when it goes wrong.

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Fronkenshteen

Ice Jets taking care of BIDNESS!!

1
LemonJello

I haven’t seen islanders deal with opposing flyers like this since the RAF and the Battle of Britain!

3
Dunstan

“Never in the course of human history have so few fans cheered for so good a team against so evil an opponent.”

2
LemonJello

Philly role playing the 509th Composite Group in 1945 during that 2nd period…

Last edited 5 years ago by LemonJello
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Sharkbait

Even in this sports landscape, I still can’t bring myself to watch basketball

1
LemonJello

That’s not a real sport…next you’ll be telling us there’s an NFL team called the “Texans.”

2
Redshirt

Okay, how about this:

Trump is against the NBA. If you don’t watch basketball, you stand with Trump!

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Where’s my MAGA hat?

0
LemonJello

Are you up for anything?

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Last edited 5 years ago by LemonJello
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ballsofsteelandfury

I’m up for her, yeah!

0
LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Obviously stupid enough to be talked into anything.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Nice flotation devices.

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scotchnaut

Crippled by her IQ now and her lower back later on.

6
Redshirt

Reaction shot of me checking on the Reds game going on right now:
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rockingdog

game. Celtics now up 2-0 in the series.
hey now.
yes that 4th qtr was fun.

Last edited 5 years ago by rockingdog
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scotchnaut

Pascal’s Wager was that if he went to the hoop he’d either get the bucket or get fouled.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pascal Wager is on LinkedIn.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Slovenia kinda jumps out there, but the reason why escapes me at the moment.

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

These days a lot of cross country traffic from Austria and Croatia.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Or maybe that is just a porn I was watching.

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

If your search term was “President’s Third Wife,” then chances are good.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nice.

1
Gumbygirl

Prostitutes, “students”, who can tell the difference? Why is Poland wearing a little red hat?

3
ballsofsteelandfury

Kaliningrad looks at you with Russian disgust, like a Russian hooker peeing on our President.

4
herodotus450

“Poles wearing little hats?”
-Germany

2
herodotus450

Iceland off the charts!

3
Gumbygirl

They pay you to fuck them.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

-Nihilist Icelander

1
rockingdog

kemba walker step back!!!
Celtics up 3.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

On Sunday, I kind of thought about laying $200-$350 on the Celtics winning the title

0
scotchnaut

“Do It!”

-Gambloringdog

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

I mean, what more can you say about that episode, from the conception to the execution it was nearly flawless.

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

LOL wine in a can
so innovative

2
scotchnaut

“From up 10 to down six is no way to play, son.”

-Dean Wormer

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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1
scotchnaut

Fuckbags! Marcus Smart is on fire.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is he now Buddhist?

3
scotchnaut

He’s raging against the Raptors machine, is what he is doing.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not leaded I hope.

0
rockingdog

marcus smart HITTING BUCKETS!!!!

0
scotchnaut

He’s insane.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Where does she buy her bras? Husqvarna’s Secret

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m Stihl laughing at this.

5
rockingdog

hopefully this 4th quarter is fun

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

“That was a shot to heart. He gives gliders a bad name. A bad name.”

-Jon Bon Jovi

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We need to stop meeting like this; people are talking.

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scotchnaut

The Raptors need 12 minutes of great D

Wife: [slowly turns her head towards me]

Me: “You can just shut up.”

5
herodotus450

Luckily that converts to six minutes of good D

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In this case we know for sure it means defense.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

IN A ROW?!

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Watch out for women with Auxiliary Atom Fuel Tanks in their pussies.

1
herodotus450

This week in “Jokes From Yesteryear,” this one circa NHL Playoffs Round 1, 2014-2017:
I haven’t seen Russians perform so bad in a Trotzian System since 1938!

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

found a funny:

girlfriend: this is my dad howard

me: nice to meet u.. *we lock eyes* howard u doing

him: *maintaining eye contact* sarah this is the one

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

I like bubble basketball because the refs don’t seem to be swayed by these types of crowds.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

I believe that study was done by “The Sky Is Blue and Water is Wet Institute of Analytics”.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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1
Viva La Tabula Raza

Never seen a 747 on that airfield.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Good for you.

0
Horatio Cornblower

“Just gonna pop this in reverse and we’ll be out of here in a jiffy”

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTbXxN1PqFo

This is indeed a dark and terrible year.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

Wat

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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1
rockingdog

this Celtics-Raptors is a bit back and forth

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

Islanders leading the Flyers in “Inner Slot Shots,” but Philly’s 6 in one night is pretty respectable.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

According to ESPN, the league has curated an audio track that would be played at every game without fans.

I hope they use laugh tracks from 1960s & 70s situation comedies.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I want the one used on Sanford & Son, the writing wasn’t that great, but the cast was fucking fantastic.

2
Redshirt

That theme would take the edge off of the impending dozen Bengals losses.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl71DM84Wc4

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