Idiots Who Play with White Balls

The last time my father hit me was on a golf course.

He is built like a tank and is left handed. For a man of his build he is lightning fast. We were sitting in a golf cart after I had thrown a club about thirty feet and declared that I was going to the clubhouse and getting blind fucking drunk. I was 22 and it was probably 8 in the morning. That’s when the punch came, and it numbed my arm.

My uncles got out of their golf cart, separated us and we didn’t speak for the rest of the day.

Golf Sucks

There are a billion reasons why I think golf sucks shit. But I’m going to keep it to a shorter list because I’m shrooming and smoking meth, so my thoughts are racing and this laptop has turned into a gigantic purple slug with flames down the side.

People Who Play Golf

These people play all the time, and they like to tell you about it. Fuck you, your sport is boring as fuck. You are not a good golfer, I don’t care – or understand – what a handicap means. You have a horrible farmer’s tan and your smell like a bull elephant in heat. Your best round makes Tiger Woods laugh while he’s banging a Waffle House waitress from behind. Go eat shit.

There’s not another sport played by the general public where participants actually believe they can become as good as the pros. You can hit 10,000 balls, play golf every day, have a new scrotum sewn to your body – and you will never, ever get within 100 miles of qualifying for the tour. Well, if the tour is for the Miniature Golf Pro Tour, then maybe you’ve got a shot. Please crash your car into a Trump property.

Golf Course Employees

Are you an old white man who hates everything? Congrats! You’re hired! From the pro shop to the starter to the ranger, they are all pieces of shit. They have an axe to grind and because their prostrates are the size of shriveled peas, they are sexually frustrated. A ranger once yelled at my father and I to hurry up our play. My father who was a physician and a well respected guy, yelled out, “Fuck you! I paid to play this course.” (You can take the guy out of Little Italy…)

Golf Equipment – Fuck It

How many clubs do you need? Balls, tees, gloves, more clubs, visors, hats, golf pants, shoes, stupid fucking shit. None of this makes you good, it makes you look foolish and empties your bank account. Take the money and donate it to the Retired Hookers Home in your local city. God knows they need it more than you. Also, that shirt you’re wearing is giving you man tits. Take it off.

Golf on TV

Other things I would father be doing: throwing my dick in an alligator’s mouth; pushing a meat thermometer into my ear canal; going to a Trump rally.

Country Clubs

Lock the doors. Burn them to the ground. Anyone who escapes gets a golf club shoved up their ass.

The 19th Hole

Yes, alcohol is good. It is great. But you do have to drink with other fuckers who talk about their game and how they hate people who are different from them (meaning they are black or brown.) The cost is outrageous. Actually, I rather do shots of Pepe Lopez tequila down where they wash off the cars.

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT GOLF

Carts

I had a Honda 125M ATC as a child and wrecked shit all over the neighborhood. I do the same when I have to drive a golf cart when my son plays.

Cart Girls

While most are cute, it feels like you’re in a strip club – captive audience and feeling like a dirty old man while your moron friends act like prison escapees who haven’t seen a female in a decade.

Caddy Shack

A brilliant movie about a turd of a sport.

Jan Stephenson

When I was 13, I got a Jan Stephenson calendar that I destroyed as only an adolescent can. It looked like it had been dipped in a pot of resin and left to dry. It was so stiff the edges could cut through a tin can.

My Son

He plays JV golf for his school and has dedicated himself to the sport. I drive the cart and watch him play, and it’s a beautiful thing. His short game kind of sucks, but he’s still my favorite golfer.

There you have it. Golf can eat shit and that shit will come out and I will burn that shit and mix it with motor oil. That oil will be poured down the throat of the nearest douchebag wearing a Titleist hat.