Eventual Balls Thoughts is back! I do apologize for not getting it up last week. This kind of thing never happens to me, I swear! Give me another chance!

As I mentioned before, I have started work on developing a “Gently-Used Fleshlight Hall of Fame” and I’m researching all the winners of the previous competitions we’ve held here at DFO. I have, as would be expected, all of the winners of the AFL Tipping Contests and the AFLW Tipping Contests. I also have the winner of last season’s English Premier League Tipping Contest as well as the winner of last season’s NFL Tipping Contest (hosted by an Australian ESPN site).

I also have the winner of the DFO Survivor Pool (hosted by the USA ESPN site and run by our own Yeah Right) from the inaugural year of 2015. Things get a bit fuzzy after that. I also discovered that we did a NFL Spread Picks pool and a NFL Straight Up Picks pool in 2015 and I have the winners for those, but I don’t know/remember if we continued those contests in subsequent years.

If anyone has any recollections about the contests we’ve run and, more importantly, who the winners were, please write them in the comments! Thank you!

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The Week in DFO

Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

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I mean, you don’t have to be all up in our grill like that.

SonOfSpam

Enjoy the freedom fumes!

Mr. Ayo

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I am so hungover I just went outside and puked in a bush. Now, white wine time.

Litre_cola

Ah a “Bay Area Sunday Workout”

JustStopDude

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How the fuck is fan duel legal and is there any industry that the NFL would say no to if offered a lot of money?

Like if it was $2 billion….the NFL would allow NAMBLA commercials, right?

JustStopDude

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I offer to take up Sunday Gravy, but it will be a review of the Craigslist whores I swapped gravy with the night before.

Buddy

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Mr. Ayo and I in a defensive tussle.

scotchnaut

That’s how I explained it when my kid walked in on us the first time too.

Gratliff

You’re dating Ayo? Cool.

scotchnaut

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I mean, you don’t touch the ref and then be surprised you get tossed.

BFC

The NFL has always had problems with understanding consensual touching.

Doktor Zymm

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Lions fans have a modest proposal for Swift

Downfield Matriculator

The Lions’ secondary versus a starving 18th century Irish peasant: WHO YA GOT?!?!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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Calling in to work today so I can join the eagles as their newest right guard.

Gratliff

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I woke up this am in my backyard, apparently having vomited and pissed myself after getting blitzed out drunk in a Browns induced rage.

Someone just bet $110k on the Cleveland Browns +7.5

(@BetMGM) pic.twitter.com/I3FV6qXlMA

— Yahoo Sportsbook (@YahooSportsbook) September 13, 2020

But at least I am not this stupid.

Just Stop Dude

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I was thinking from the Browns result plus the Lions result plus the Bungles result that maybe balance is being restored to the universe, but then I saw the Raiders only committed three penalties in their victory (!) and now I’m not so sure.

RTD

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NFL players wearing social justice gear is about as effective as Exxon employees wearing Protect the Environment shirts.

blaxabbath

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I’m assuming the Gently Used Fleshlight Hall of Fame will have plenty of busts?

Senor Weaselo

and that the floor will be sticky

Game Time Decision

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Anal Hillbillies#4: Now with more Cousins getting fucked in the end zone

Downfield Matriculator

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Jamie Collins is definitely qualified to manage Real Madrid.

SonOfSpam

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“THIS PACKERS DEFENSE, I CALL AN ALABAMA HIGH SCHOOL QB BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING COUSINS IN THE END ZONE WHILE NO ONE IS WATCHING”

LemonJello

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Leighton Vander Esch and Blake Jarwin are not, luckily enough, too injured to star in their next episode of Gossip Girl

herodotus450

I absolutely hate it when ex-Disney kids don’t end up in porn!

scotchnaut

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I’m vomiting forever now

Unsurprised

“I’m not kidding, that is an excellent weight-loss strategy you should look into.”

-K. Carpenter

scotchnaut

-Carpenter high fives TwBs

Litre_cola

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How in the ever living fuck is it only Tuesday?

BFC

“Look, Wednesday Addams had a thing and she couldn’t show. I thought you’d be happy with Ms. Weld. Huh? Yeah? I’ve booked Jeff Saturday for, you know. You like that, right? Yeah, I know you like that.”

– BFC’s pimp

scotchnaut

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I CALL THESE ISLANDERS ‘MY CHRISTIAN HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND’ BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!

scotchnaut

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Uh sir. This is a construction site, not PF Changs.

nomonkeyfun

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In tWBS’ hell, all they play is good music.

SonOfSpam

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I know it’s rough now, but I really think some day we’ll be able to look back at all this and say, “That’s not a time I like to think about”

rockindog

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You are very good at the writing stuff. Tell those annoying head-voices to shut up.

You are not a very generous lover; but then, what did I expect for five bucks.

SonOfSpam

Upgrade to the $8 Supreme special next time. It’s worth it for the bellybutton stuff alone.

The Revanchist

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I call my oldest daughter “Midvale” as she’s a gifted student but does things like in the cartoon

Game Time Decision

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I managed to learn Australian football and have no fucking clue what’s going on in wrestling or soccer posts.

BFC

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They should change that masthead to “From Fist to Foreskin”

BFC

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I’ve done two prenups for other folks. Like blax on jury duty, I knew those marriages were not gonna work the moment I was asked to draft ‘em.

Don T

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I like nipples. Does anyone else like nipples?

scotchnaut

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CLE/CIN? I didn’t realize MACtion was back.

Mr. Ayo

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This is probably the only Orange Bowl we’re gonna get this year

Doktor Zymm

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Somewhere in LA, BallsOfSteel got a stiffy and doesn’t know why.

SonOfSpam

“Forget Jake, it’s Butt Town.”

scotchnaut

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Joe Burrow is whiter than sugar over rice over Cool Whip

JJFozz

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I’m going need another 15 minutes or so before I can put Chubb back in

Dunstan

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The last time I saw a chub surrounded by this much brown, i realized I was watching German porn

JJFozz

/OBJ has entered the chat.

Just Stop Dude

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“Best Buy wants the fans to experience the game. Come you your local Best Buy for the NFL live fan experience. One of our dedicated associates with vomit beer on your child, call your wife or girlfriend a whore, and sucker punch you if you dare ask them not to do so. Our store restrooms have been left completely uncleaned and are filled with overflowing toilets and drunk people to piss in sinks and on unwary patrons.

Best Buy and the NFL. The ultimate fan experience”

Just Stop Dude

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THIS BROWNS PLAYCALLER, I CALL HIM ROETHLISBERGER, BECAUSE HE JUST KEEPS TRYING TO SHOVE A CHUBB

Dunstan

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I got to give Joe Buck and his wife credit for keeping and rasing his forehead.

Just Stop Dude

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Apple brandy sounds great, bonded or clandestine. I wouldn’t ask my brandy to do home renovations anyway.

Don T

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There’s no offseason for interracial athlete sex jokes.

SonOfSpam

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found a funny:

her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll be elmo and you’ll be-

Her: elmo?

Me: oh fuck yes two elmos

rockindog

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Son and I had an understanding that he couldn’t do certain things on work days and he broke that agreement so I suspended him for a day and then gave him 2 fourteen hour days followed by two more workdays where he had to wake up at 4am to deliver product. He slept for 13 hours last night, got up, had breakfast and went straight back to bed. I think we have a renewed understanding between us.

scotchnaut

You can tell Scotchy’s Canadian because he made his child face consequences for his actions. That shit would never fly in the US.

Horatio

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/found a funny

So they say that having too much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on Page 64 Paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench on October 14, 2002 at 3:46 PM

Redshirt

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I think you mean Las Vegas, noted Hockey Town.

herodotus450

You mean “noted escort town”

The Revanchist

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One very tiny silver lining of the pandemic is that Raiders fans can’t go to games this year. I imagine Raiders fan would descend upon Vegas like Immortan Joe’s marauders in Mad Max: Fury Road.

JimU

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But is the TV camera OK?

Brick

Hard to say. Hasn’t moved yet.

Mr. Ayo

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I spent more time putting together the intro to this game tonight than I did writing my notes for a director’s meeting tomorrow.

scotchnaut

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Yo my bad everyone. My black ass sat next to richie on the bus so his head ain’t in this game.

Just Stop Dude

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They should show Las Vegas b-roll of empty casino floors and a traveling escort picking up her fake designer luggage at the airpot baggage claim.

clint greasewood

And me sitting at a bar at the Luxor at 3 AM playing video poker and getting harassed by hookers. Sorry lady, self-pleasuring is just as effective and costs a lot less, especially if I fall asleep during the process.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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I love masks. I can’t believe I was okay with people breathing all over me before.

Doktor Zymm

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“Maybe next week you sodomites and self-abusing cock wallets will let my entire family into the stadium!?!”

LemonJello

His wife keeps desperately asking if the 6ft distancing rule should be used at home and in bed.

ArmedandHammered

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abortion getting outlawed? Fuck yeah!

Brocky

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Find it really hard to believe an Atlanta pro athlete kept his hands off a spinner for that long.

SonOfSpam

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Tom Coughlin is rolling over in his bedpan

BFC

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Canadian Sports Network is doing Top 100 catches of all time.

1. OBJ with the backward one-hander vs. the Cowboys

2. Ric Ocasek bagging Paulina Porizkova

rockindog

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A third person tested positive at my office and I don’t know what to do anymore. I told myself a third case is the dealbreaker, but I am not in any position to be broke now.

Unsurprised

Leak it to the press. A “huge number of employees have tested positive”. Pretend you know nothing, but point the blame at the guy you hate the most that not only stole your lunch from the fridge, but also your soon to be ex-wife.

The Revanchist

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Head Cheese. Because I like both of those things.

Fronkenshteen

Olive loaf. Because I’m weird and no sane people like me.

Balls

Cooked ham as there are some good parts in there, but now I’m mostly fat and it’s the palest of the ones listed which is closest to my translucent skin coloUr

Game Time Decision

Luxury Loaf, because that’s how the Brickster rolls.

Brick

I’d say I’m Picnic Loaf, because I am a champion loafer, and it’s always a picnic to be around me! And fuck anyone who doesn’t agree! See what I mean? I am a goddamn pleasure to be with!

Gumbygirl

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When I was in the fleet, “Cornhole” was a game that involved neither plywood targets nor beanbags.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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This is just a preview of next year’s feature–the French: are they really bad at war or just drunk?

BFC

You try leading a ground war after a dinner of escargot, steak au poive, and crepes, washed down with gallons of cabernet sauvignon.

Fuck me that sounds good.

Sharkbait

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Since the season has started, there is no more Request Line, so no music video until the offseason.

As I mentioned in the Sexy Friday thread, I am omitting comments made in the Sunday game threads as that is too much comedy gold to go through. Stay tuned next week as I will make further tweaks to this post so people can read it in the daytime!

Thank you to everyone one for providing quality laughs and gifs/pics to look at. Have a good week, everyone!