Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

Well, for this week’s reason, the king insisted on keeping a pet polar bear. In the middle of a crowded city.

HENRY III’S POLAR BEAR

Date: c. 1252

Location: Tower of London

Kings of England have long been prone to excess. Famous ones include Henry VIII, of course, with his love of women, food, wine, and debauchery. John, trying to seize the throne from his brother Richard, was a psychopathic asshole who loved losing wars to the French. Richard, meanwhile, loved nothing more than running around killing Muslims in the Holy Land. All this to say that as a ruler, it was a benefit to the nation if your hobbies and interests didn’t involve having people killed. Even when they were as expensive as running a zoo filled with exotic animals out of the Tower of London.

Henry III, ruler of England after the demise of his father, the hated King John, came to the throne when he was only nine years old. His rule of England, while incredibly long (from 1216-1272, for a total of 56 years – seemingly a miracle in the High Middle Ages!), was not particularly successful. He spent large amounts of money trying, and failing, to re-conquer northern France, trying to put his brother Richard on the throne as Holy Roman Emperor, and trying to put his son Edmund Crouchback on the throne as King of Sicily. He also extracted huge amounts of money from England’s Jewish community, leaving them virtually unable to do business. That said, he did ratify the Magna Carta and called the first-ever version of what was to become the English Parliament… which are two steps shockingly close to displaying some humanity.

What Henry loved more than anything, however, was his animals. Especially his polar bear. How does a king of England even acquire such a creature in the first place? Apparently it was a gift from the Norwegian King Haakon the Younger around the year 1252.

While King John, Henry’s father, was the one who initially re-located the royal menagerie to the Tower of London, the zoo really came into its own when Henry ascended the throne. The zoo had lions, leopards, lynx, porcupines, camels, and even an African elephant, but it was the bear that attracted the most attention from both the King himself and from the residents of London.

Bears, as we know, can eat a fuck ton of food. And Henry III forced his city sheriffs to not only help pay for the cost of feeding the bear, but also lead him down to the River Thames every morning, on a leash and muzzle, to take a swim and catch fish. The townspeople, marvelling at the sight of the animal, found him to be quite the attraction, and he consistently attracted large crowds during his life at the Tower of London.

Medieval zoos, of course, were essentially no better than prisons. Virtually nobody knew what proper diets were for the animals, and most were kept in enclosures that were far too small for any sort of healthy existence. Death was rampant – for animals, of course, but also for their hapless handlers, most of whom had absolutely no business of being anywhere near exotic creatures. To further highlight how ridiculous the English were, the African elephant, which was a gift from French King Louis IX in 1255, had died by 1258 – possibly because it failed to adapt to the colder climate of England, but also possibly because animal keepers were constantly giving it red wine.

The Royal Menagerie lasted from the middle of the 13th century all the way to 1835, when it was finally shuttered for good. It was even opened to the public in the 18th century – the price of admission was either three half-pence or a live cat or dog to be fed to the lions. Despite the long tradition of kings and queens keeping animals in the middle of a crowded city, it’s fair to say that allowing a polar bear to swim – on a leash – every morning in the River Thames is one of the most insane decisions ever made by any English monarch.

You can’t tell me the English are human. Put them in the cages instead.

***

Information for this article from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.