EXT. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot and title card.

ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: That’s My Lost Wages Raiders [sic] is filmed in front of a live stiletto [sic] audience.

CUT TO – INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The music of Black Veil Brides blares throughout the house, though not quite as loudly as is typical.  KOLTON MILLER sits on the couch, munching from a big bag of tortilla chips. JOSH JACOBS sits in a nearby armchair, quietly browsing through an Advanced Neurophysiology textbook. 

JOSH JACOBS: [sets down textbook] All right, enough fun stuff, time to get some chores done. [picks up a sheaf of brightly colored fliers and a pair of scissors from the table next to his chair]

KOLTON MILLER: Are you clipping coupons?

JOSH: Of course.

KOLTON: But aren’t you making, like, a million bucks every year?

JOSH: I’m on pretty much the same rookie deal as you, so…yeah. But you see this here rib roast? [holds up Ralph’s flier] This usually goes for $9.99 a pound. But if these fools want to sell it to me for $4.77 a pound, I’d be crazy to say no, wouldn’t I?  I mean, I’m a running back in a Jon Gruden system, I always gotta think about my financial future, because that future could be here tomorrow. Besides, you do want rib roast tonight, don’t you?

KOLTON: Of course I do!  Thanks for cooking, Josh.  Again.  [bashfully] So…are there any coupons for…um…

JOSH: Things you might like? [holds up a BOGO coupon for Frito Lay products] I got you covered, big fella.

KOLTON: [smiles]

JOSH: You know, if you want to get in on the coupon game, there are ones from Carl’s Jr. that show up every week in the mail.  You should think about…

Suddenly…

KOLTON MILLER: [crosses fingers] Please be Amazon Fresh…Please be Amazon Fresh…[runs over and pulls open the door]

— [door flies open] —

POSTMAN REX: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?

KOLTON: Good, good.  Got some mail for us, coach?

POSTMAN REX: Sure do.  Looks like you boys got some mail from the Commissioner’s Office!

KOLTON: Yeah, probably some more coronavirus fines.  [holds open the door for MAILMAN REX, who steps inside]

KOLTON: Oh.  Shit.  Probably shouldn’t have invited you into the house.

POSTMAN REX: [rifles through stack of mail] Oh look, there’s something else here.

POSTMAN REX pulls a sheet out from the stack and holds it behind his back.

POSTMAN REX: Tell me, Kolton, do you like chicken?

KOLTON: Of course I do!

POSTMAN REX: And do you like fries?

KOLTON: [starts hyperventilating]

JOSH: Come on, Rex, stop winding him up.

POSTMAN REX brings forward the sheet to reveal a sheet of coupons – we follow KOLTON MILLER’s focus to a single one…

KOLTON: Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

KOLTON MILLER grabs the sheet and holds it to his chest, beaming.

POSTMAN REX: Oh, and then there’s this. [holds out a package]

KOLTON: Huh.  [reads the label, then turns towards the interior of the house] HUNTER!  YOU GOT A PACKAGE!

— [door flies open] —

HUNTER RENFROW: [scrappily runs into the room] My miniatures are here!

KOLTON: Miniatures?

ALL watch with interest as HUNTER RENFROW takes the package from POSTMAN REX and excitedly and grittily tears it open.  He then lovingly and scrappily begins unwrapping a series of small figurines.

KOLTON: Ha ha ha, you mean dolls?

HUNTER: Shut up, Kolton.

KOLTON: What are those for, anyways?

HUNTER: Okay, so me and the guys in AV club were talking about what if you had a game that was like electronic football, but ALSO it was like Dungeons and Dragons!

KOLTON: What’s electronic football? Like, on the PlayStation?

HUNTER: No, it’s this really cool, um…not quite steampunk…let’s say vintage game where you line up these plastic players on a metal field and then you flip a switch to start the play and all the players move around cause the field is vibrating. Mr. Baumgartner found an old set at a garage sale and brought it in for us to try out.

KOLTON: [pretends this makes sense to him] Oh, okay.

HUNTER: So this game is I guess a little bit like that but you don’t need the electric field. You don’t really need the miniatures either, but it makes it more fun.  The basic idea is that you’ve got a squadron of players, but I guess they’re more like adventurers, and you’re trying to conquer enough treasure and territory from other teams or I guess call them Houses so you can qualify for the big tournament and ultimately rule the realm!

KOLTON: Huh. So what’s it called?

HUNTER: It’s called…you ready?  Guardians and Gladiators!

KOLTON: [thoughtfully] Guardians and Gladiators.  Huh.  I like it.

HUNTER: Thanks!  Originally I was going to call it Dungeons and Dropbacks.

JOSH: If it’s based on this year’s NFL it should be called Coronavirus and Concussions.

POSTMAN REX: Or based on that toilet-clogger you guys played against the Falcons you could have called it Turnovers and More Turnovers.

HUNTER: So, what do you say?  You guys want to give it a shot?

KOLTON: I’ll play. 

JOSH: I’d like to, but I’ve promised Marc Elias that I’d contribute to an amicus brief that he’s writing for the third circuit, so I want to get that knocked out before I make dinner for you guys.

KOLTON: [to Hunter] We’re having steak!

HUNTER: How about you, Postman Rex?

POSTMAN REX: [stares off into space]

HUNTER: Coach?

POSTMAN REX: Huh? Oh, sorry, was off in Rex-land for a moment there.  Was thinking about creating my own tabletop game called Steak and, uh…other stuff.  But I’m sorry, kiddo, I can’t stick around – I’ve got work to do.

KOLTON: But you’ve always got time for us, Coach!  Why just last month Coach Gruden was making Derek watch Happy Feet again and you stuck around for the whole thing!

POSTMAN REX: [frowns] That movie wasn’t everything I’d hoped it would be.  But yeah, that was before the election.  Now Postmaster DeJoy says we can’t do that kind of stuff anymore.  So I’ve gotta beat feet. And then get out of here and get back to my rounds.

HUNTER: Should we see if Derek wants to play?

The Black Veil Brides song currently playing stops.  It is replaced with a song by Poison the Well playing at a slightly higher volume.

JOSH: I don’t think he’d be interested.

KOLTON: He hasn’t come out of his room since Sunday.

HUNTER: What about Lamarcus?

JOSH: He’s back on the Reserve/COVID-19 list.

HUNTER: How about Theo?

JOSH: Riddick? He’s on the list too.

HUNTER: Nuts.  I guess it’s just you and me for now, Kolton.

KOLTON: How do we start?

HUNTER: The first thing we need to do is create…your…character!

— […to be continued] —