Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

For my final presentation… British spies were encouraged to “make their own invisible ink” in the First World War.

HOMEMADE INVISIBLE INK

Date: 1914-18

Location: Continental Europe (wherever British spies could be found, that is.)

In 1909, the brand-new Secret Intelligence Bureau came into existence, determined to root out any spies affecting the British Empire’s stability both at home and abroad. As the Great War began, English operations picked up, with two new divisions created in the SIB to manage operations at home and operations abroad. The man picked for the Secret Intelligence Service (better known as  MI6)? A man named Sir Mansfield Smith-Cumming.

I swear to God that I am not making this name up. 

Smith-Cumming was, quite possibly, the most English person to ever exist in all of history. He wore a golden monocle and carried a swordstick everywhere he went. As a member of the Royal Navy from 1878-1909, he was deemed “unfit for service” due to his propensity for seasickness, but continued to work the final twenty-four years of his naval career onshore, responsible for creating on-land defence mechanisms nearby to the busy port city of Southampton. In 1909, Smith-Cumming joined the SIB, where he would eventually rise to chief of SIS by 1911. 

In 1914, he was involved in a terrible car accident in France, which unfortunately killed his son. He also lost his leg in the accident – and while the truth is unclear, there are some fantastic legends that he may well have amputated it himself using nothing but a pen knife. Regardless of the truthfulness of the previous statement, it is a fact that he used to fuck with people by randomly stabbing his own artificial leg with knives, letter openers, fountain pens, or whatever other sharp object happened to be nearby – just to see what reaction he’d get from the unfortunate candidates to the intelligence service. According to legend, if the person winced, Smith-Cumming would state, quite plainly, “Well, I am afraid you won’t do.”

A larger-than-life figure, Sir Mansfield Smith-Cumming was the inspiration for “M”, the character for Ian Fleming’s famous James Bond novels. He also inspired the “Control” character in John Le Carre’s spy novel The Spy Who Came In From The Cold. A thoroughly ridiculous man, his other main claim to fame was his involvement in research on invisible ink – deemed incredibly important for success of spies operating during the war. 

The SIS, and its sister service, the Security Service, spent a long time working on invisible inks, with varying success – however, when one man figured out the solution to an ink that wouldn’t be sensitive to iodine (the preferred method for testing for invisible inks in this era), Sir Mansfield Smith-Cumming was extremely enthused. 

The secret ingredient? You guessed it – semen. 

In fact, Smith-Cumming was so enamoured of the idea that he coined the term “every man his own stylo” to help build support for the idea. 

However, there was one major drawback to this handy new source of invisible ink – the smell. 

In research, one particular spy based out of Denmark decided to keep an “inkwell”, if you will… and without fresh ink to use for every letter, the receiver would be met with an absolutely rank, disgusting smell lingering on the paper. Think incel basement mixed with nationalist desperation, with a little dose of British inhumanity sprinkled in for good measure. The smell was so awful that researchers back home complained so vehemently that Smith-Cumming was forced to publish a memo indicating the necessity of “fresh operation” for every letter written.

As for the man in question who made the discovery? He was bullied so ferociously by his fellow SIS officers that he was forced to be transferred to another office. 

And to make matters worse, Sir Mansfield Smith-Cumming planned on “harvesting” some female equivalent for testing… from the infamous Colney Hatch insane asylum. I’m not certain how this exactly would have been accomplished, besides the obvious… but it certainly would have been extremely, extremely unethical.

After a few months of Sir Mansfield Smith-Cumming’s determined push for the plan, it was eventually discarded, for good. Probably for the best. Against all odds, though, the lunatic received numerous awards, both public and private, for his service to his country. He died in 1923 – very suddenly, at his home in Kensington – just before he was slated to retire. 

I hope he got got. In fact, I hope they all got got – the English are a scourge. And safe to say, after seventeen case studies, I thus lay my evidence out to you; I hope you will find in your heart, as I have in mine, to reach the conclusion that the English are not human. I shudder to consider the possibility that they might be. 

***

Thank you for reading this series over the last few months! It’s been a pleasure to research and write over the past while. I’ll be off for the winter break, but I’ll be back on Thursday, January 7th, 2021, with my next series. Safe to say that Hue Jackson is going to be involved in this one. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, etc. etc. Be well, stay safe, wash your hands, and wear a mask.

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, and here.