Welcome to a pretty bleak Week 15 recap.  I guess the fraudulent Irish (but National Fanbase!!1111) making the JV playoffs wasn’t quite enough to serve The Narrative.

Yes, that’s right.  Atlanta had MRSA Dreamboat dead to rights (17-0, 24-7) yet again, and decided to take the 2nd half off.  Announcers and even Coked-Up RedZone Guy could not contain their massive boners.  I really wanted a playoff season without that storyline – but 2020 is gonna 2020.  FUCK EVERYTHING.

But at least Captain Dingleberry lived up to his moniker, routinely not making crucial plays in a sad, 33-27 home loss to the Bearistocrats!  Could Chi**** still somehow sneak into the playoffs?  They’re up to 7-7, but watch them blow one of their last two fixtures (@Jaguras, home to perhaps-resting-players GB) to finish in 8-8 purgatory.  As noted in the game thread, this would get them temporarily banished to Wichita as a nomadic team.  SKOL can apparently still win out and sneak in at 8-8.  If they get all the help in the world.

Speaking of nomadic teams, the evicted-from-Santa-Clara Tomsulas rode the rails into JerralWorld.  It was a high scoring, but boring as fuck affair, with the Non-Gendered Cowpersons not only recovering the desperation onside kick, but also running it back for a TD.  41-27 is your final.  The whole story was (i) Zeke is fungible; (ii) Red Rocket is adequate; and (iii) Nick Mullens is…a far sight short of adequate.  The NFC Special Needs Division is an absolute clusterfuck, and surely will go down to the final day of the season.  Nope, I almost completely missed it – former Bartlett Administration Press Secretary CJ Cregg came in for the garbagey-est of garbage time, and completed a Hail Mary on the final play!  41-33, I suppose they just declined the extra point?  Imagine, this shitshow was your original SNF fixture.

Those plucky, generic-label Redacteds dug a hole just a bit too deep for Haskins to crawl out of.  Still, he managed two Q4 touched downs, cutting a 20-3 lead down to 20-15.  True to form. the SeaTruthers stayed in their boring-ass shell, not delivering the kill shot until almost too late.  Back-to-back sacks inside of 2:00 (with WAS nearing the red zone) shut the door, finally.  I don’t know what happened to the electric RW/SEA from early in the season, but they really look like a playoff pushover now.

It dawned on me yesterday (well, today as I type, just yesterday FOAR the readers) – DonT’s Glorious Tits are fairly similar to Roll Damn Tide in how they play.  Physical as fuck, they just bludgeon you to the point of Q4 exhaustion.  But they also have explosive playmakers on the outside, allowing them to hurt you (especially with the element of surprise after they lull 8 or 9 into the box PHRASING) with the pass game.  It’s scheme more so than quartered back play, but Tanny Fanny has embraced his role with great enthusiam.  Neither team has a great defensing unit, but they understand leverage concepts.  Anyway, you’d expect them to beat the piss out of the no-Fuck Lions (who were somehow still playoff-alive coming into the game), and 46-25 surely qualifies.  I mean, DET scored a safety and pulled to within one score on several occasions – but the outcome was always well in hand.  And the losers were ded on their feet in Q4.  I am rooting for the Tide in el torneo JV, and why not the Tits on the varsity level?  They sure are interesting.

Congratulations to Miami and Brian Flores, for putting the final nail in the Belicheat playoffs streak.  22-12, LOLfins.  New England could only manage 4 FGs, and the score would have likely gotten way out of hand if not for a fluky touch that VAR’d a fumble return TD.  All of a sudden, it’s Miami whose OL is coming together and allowing them to off-tackle opponents to death.  I am sure Grumblelord was impressed, if also highly annoyed.  Expect major changes in Massholeland this off-season.

Holy shit, is JAX ever fucking shite.  One also expects that the entire AFC is terrified to face January Ratbirds.  They close with Gigantes and Bungles, and are surely in (at 11-5) if they beat same.  40-14 was this week’s murder line.

Poor TheShaun.  Asked to do it all himself every week, he almost willed his side into position to try for 2 and the win.  Alas, Coutee Pie fumbled on the 1-yard line, after Watson did a great job finding him to convert 4th-and-5.  Humps recover in the end zone, and secure the 27-20 win.  Keeping pace with the Tits, with the division title still up for grabs.  Whoever gets it will certainly have earned it.  That’s tough sledding down South.

Late slight is light.  Late slate is horrendous.  Or so the first hour felt, before it all went PLAID AS FUCK.

The Jest somehow had a 7-game streak of scoring on the opening drive.  Which they made EIGHT, extending a 13-nil lead over the home, perhaps complacent RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! bunch.  The nap extended into Q3, all of a sudden it was 20-3.  They turned the Rams over.  They made defensive stops.  But when LA finally reached the end zone, then held Joisey B to a FG (after goal to go)…you just felt it was inevitable, right?

Then Akers ran it in to take the lead…scratch that, we have holding BLEERGH.  Rams settle for 3.  But then, 2 and out and across the NYJ 40.  You think, “will it be OT or a back-breaking TD?”  Then they go for it on 4th and 4 at the 37, and the Gangrene DB makes an incredible play to break up a likely TD.  But you think “surely they’ll get it right back” – then Touch of Downs picks up 3rd and 6 before the 2-minute warning, and it’s Jest Victory Formation.  Holy Fucking Shit.

And DFO’s very own yeah right had this very Moneyline bet.  HAIL KING OF GAMBLOR (AND FOODSTUFFS).

Also half-asleep early?  The desert-traveling Iggles.  Maybe Jalen Hurts ain’t magic, after all?  Surely not if you spot the Qards an early 16 point spread.  Philly is not designed to come back from that.  But then they DID, ultimately catching AZ at 26-26, extra point pending.  FOUR combined scores out of Hurts, who maybe IS magic.  But the Iggles punter is also the holder, and he’s out with a head owie.  Zach Ertz is the backup holder, and he flubs it.  So, we stay tied, and after some back and forth, Kyler finds Hopkins – just as Two of the Good Ones, Hippo’s PERFECT game analyst, is ripping Buttchinski for that crazy trade.  33-26 to the Qards.

Though in a sense, doesn’t that take some pressure off Philly?  You know you have to get 8, and play for the win that way.  But after letting Hurts and crew inside the 15…the sack party began (very reminiscent of the end of WAS/SEA).  But then Hurts dropped an absolute dime on 3rd and 21…and Goeddert dropped it.  That would be that.  One hell of a game.  Hurts DID get close enough (thanks to more wizardry) to attempt two late Hail Mary’s – but both got knocked down.  Philly needed a Hopkins, I guess.

Hyped Game of the Week (KC/NO) seemed likely to disappoint, and it was a bit of a slog early.  Breesus Christ maybe tried his resurrection trick a week too soon.  Still, a series of Bananacakes events got the Saints a punt return fuckup safety, bookended by a nice rushing TD to give them 15 in a row and a 1-point lead.

Then Patrick Mahomes threw maybe the most impressive/difficult TD pass I have ever seen.  I don’t know how he even SAW the POSSIBILITY, let alone have the bollocks to even TRY that throw.  And he hit it to Hardman (PHRASING), without a gnat’s pubic hair of margin for error.  Another score, plus the two followed, and it was 29-15 Chefs.  Shit, they even had the ball back, approaching 10 minutes left.

Then SUDDEN CHANGE from an “empty hand” fumble.  NO’s turn to make a run, perhaps even a decisive one?  Bitchin’ Kamara took it in on a dynamite run (that was technically a jet sweep forward pass), and we have a tight finish on deck.

Of course, Mahomes calmly and methodically led his charges down the field.  Because he’s the best quartered back Hippo has ever seen, no qualifiers needed.  Really hope the kid stays healthy.  Drive stalled inside the 5, but the chip shot made it 32-22, with 4 and change to play.  This time, the insurmountable lead should hold up fine.  Breesus DID get it down to 32-29.  But they needed a 3-and-out to have a prayer, and that’s a tall order.  Mahomes/Kelce converted on 2nd down, making it look easy-peasy.

#ThePauls and Gigantes was yuuuuuuggggge (miss ya, Al Michaels, blow liquor breath all over #NuAIDS for us) for both squadrons, with playoff dreams very much alive.  But it’s only 5-8 Joisey A with a shot for a home game in same.  9-4 Believeland is solely in the Wild Card lane.  Ain’t nobody ever say that life was fair (in fact, Life is Shit).  But coming off a barnburner MNF duel with Lamar! – expectations were rising for Li’l Baker.  On 4th and 5 inside the 10, His NAME is JUDGE decided to put his holder/punter in shotgun, throw to a lineman and see wha’ happen.

I mean, what the fuck do you THINK happened?

I mostly quit paying attention, but suffice to say, #ThePauls emerged victorious.  At least it seemed that way when I passed out.