Your “And Then There Were None” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

I’m talking about Saints running backs and Agatha Christie of course. If you’re looking for “If this happens, then that happens” playoff permutations you’ve come to the wrong small football-watching site. You’ll hear enough of that over the course of any game you watch and they’ll most likely get it right, unlike me. I’m only good for snark and semi-tepid taeks.

Before we head into the football, a shoutout to the soccer monkeys on the site that slowly get things going on Sunday mornings. If commenting early, try to use “cheeky”, “c-word”, (just can’t get used to that one, likely never will) “guv’na”, “crikey” and “penno” in your typings. It makes them feel at home.

TO THE GAMES!

Fins/Bills:

As odd as it may seem, these two team’s trajectories make this the “must-see” AFC East tilt going forward. Will the Bills rest some players, given that they’re nestled into the #2 or #3 spot? I looked around but could find no confirmation.

Ravens/Bengals:

Rashawn Slater or Ja’Marr Chase’s new team is going to get the ever-loving puss whomped out of them today by a Baltimore team that is “on form” at just the right time.

Steelers/Browns:

Cleveland is in the classic “win or go home” spot but has closed their facilities three of the last four days. Dudes that won’t be playing due to Covid include 2 starters at lb, one at safety and another at corner. That might not be as big a deal because the underwhelming Mason Rudolph is under center. This game, much like Ben’s penis, is going to be weird, ugly and off-color.

Vikes/Lions:

Dalvin is out due to his dad’s unexpected passing so Abdullah and Boone get the honor of closing out a forgettable season. I’m guessing there will be points scored here because these D’s have been waving the white flag all year long.

Jets/Pats:

I read somewhere that Belichick’s coaching record without Brady compares quite favorably to Rex Ryan’s. Ha! Don’t feel too bad for the Jetskis-they still have the 2nd pick in the draft, the Seahawks 1st and 3rd, the Giants 3rd and 5th, a ton of cap space and a soon-to-be ex-coach wandering the sideline making strange expressions.

Cowboys/Giants:

She’s another one of them ‘must wins’ for the Giants, a team whose D has 2 sacks and all of 6 qb hits the last three weeks. Guh!, I say Guh! This is why the return of Kyler Fackrell and his 3 sacks is viewed as good news. Jeebuz Christmas! I’ll be hella scared of Dallas next year if they draft nothing but defenders but they won’t, so I won’t.

Falcons/Bucs:

The “Is this *blank*’s last year in *blank*?” articles are already coming out and I saw one that inserted “Matt Ryan” and “Atlanta”. The thing is, he didn’t play that badly, he’s still 35, (getting there, yes) his contract makes him near untradeable right now and the new GM/Coach will want stability at the position while likely reaching for Wilson in the first or hoping that Jones, Ridder or Trask falls to them in the 2nd or 3rd. So no, this isn’t Ryan’s last year in Atlanta, dummies, it’s his second-last year in Atlanta.

One of my better TED Talks, thank you for saving the tomatoes in your pockets for the next speaker.