We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:

Copa América
Euro 2020
Concacaf Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games
And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020!

BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT TODAY!

Today, we are starting the previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.

Copa América will be broadcast in English on Fox Sports (FS1 and FS2) in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and RDS has the French language rights in Canada. Today we journey to the exotic land of

PERU!

Nice flag ya go there. The color red symbolizes the blood shed for independence. The color white symbolizes purity and peace. The coat of arms in the middle includes a Cinchona tree, (representing flora), a vicuna, (a less spitty version of the llama), representing “fauna, freedom, heroism, and national pride”, (kind of a lot to put on a vicuna, if you ask me), a palm and laurel wreath representing freedom and liberty, and a cornucopia, representing the mineral wealth and prosperity that all the foreign countries are hoovering out of Peru.

Peru has some very high mountains, courtesy of the Andes, and some very low areas, courtesy of the, uh, the, uhm, Pacific Ocean, I guess. What am I, a cartographer? Like Nigeria, it is a land of contrasts.

Peru was one of the primary settings of the Incan Empire, at least until the Spanish showed up with guns, germs, and steel, and did what Europeans usually did when coming into contact with an advanced culture that didn’t conform to their own beliefs. After the Spanish destroyed pretty much everything, the Incas retreated to not-at-all-handicapped-accessible locations like Machu Picchu, a place that I should really get around to seeing while I can still walk up hills without getting winded.

So in other words, within the next three weeks.

With the Spanish in charge everything was great for the Spanish. For everyone else, eh, not so much.

Peru eventually became independent from Spain, round about 1824. There were a lot of words in this section that I didn’t feel like reading, but it sounds like the rich people in Peru were actually pretty happy being rich people in Peru and didn’t really participate in the wars of independence that were otherwise sweeping the region, but some armies from Bolivia and Chile had other ideas and sort of helped things along. Anyway, since then everything’s been rosy for Peru, other than that whole thing with The Shining Path and then Fujimori defeating The Shining Path and the concept of individual freedom and human dignity at the same time, and eventually going to prison, and now his daughter is in charge, or something, and it seems like Peru might be sort of a mess but hey, could be worse, could be Venezuela!

Now that you’re all caught up, how’s their futbal?

Team Schedule

Peru, la Blanquirroja, (“the white-and-red”, which really required some thought to come up with), is in Group B which Hippo, who gambles on these, (and other), things says is the easier of the Groups. I will take him at his word. The schedule is as follows:

June 18 – Peru v. Brazil (10:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)

June 21– Colombia v. Peru (9:00p EST, FS2/TUDN)

June 24 – Ecuador v. Peru (6:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)

June 28– Venezuela v. Peru (9:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)

The current edition of la Blanquirroja, (I cut and pasted that and don’t speak Spanish, so don’t give me that look if it’s misspelled. Also if it’s an ethnic slur, my apologies), contains no one who plays in the Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, or the Bundesliga, but it does have four guys who play in MLS, and a couple of other who look like the play in the Middle East, so I’m going to go ahead and guess that they’re well-compensated and not all that good. They did play Brazil for the title in 2019, albeit losing 3-1, so that must have something going for them.

As for their style of play, I’ll let Wakezilla speak to that, as he seems to have strong opinions on the subject:

“The new way for shithousery is what a team like Peru does: They essentially play 10 at the back, and kick the ball 50 yards down the field for a throw in. Players fake injuries when needed. As long as they’re discipline, they can easily draw a team, and possibly steal a goal and win the game with a mistake. It’s painful to watch.”

Ah yes. That inimitable style that we UConn fans used to call ‘bitchball.’

Best Result for “Hot Peruvian Women”

Best Result for “Hot Peruvian Women” When You Don’t Mind After-Market Parts

For The Ladies

And he’s a chef! Speaking of chefs…

Best Result for “Hot Peruvian Food”

Apparently ceviche, while not hot, is something of a national dish in Peru, according to stuff I read on the innertubes. If not, my apologies to Mr. Abs up there. But I’d do some damage to that shrimp ceviche in the picture.

Horatio, Have You Ever Been To This Country?

No, but I would like to see Machu Picchu. And hit that ceviche like it stole something.

Why You Should Root For Peru

You enjoy ceviche
You enjoy bitchball
You are tired of Argentina and Brazil getting all the attention

Why You Should Not Root For Peru

You loathe bitchball
You are a Shining Path guerilla
You are Wakezilla

Prediccion

So what are Peru’s chances? Fuck if I know. All I know about South American soccer is that Brazil usually wins everything unless Argentina gets its head out of its own ass and occasionally stages an upset. Apparently 8 out of the 10 teams are going to advance from the Group Stage, which makes it sound like an orgy: everyone has fun, most people leave when they’re finished, and when you get right down to it, most of the preliminary stuff was unnecessary. Since Peru almost won it in 2019 I’ll say they park the bus their way through the Group Stage, continuing until they meet a team like Brazil or, (per Hippos excellent’ preview), Colombia, that can force Peru to play from behind and open up, (also known as the “Balls Tinder Profile Strategy), taking them out of both their comfort zone and the tournament.