Guten Tag, Mein, (looks for German word for ‘friend’, realizes that they probably don’t have one, and that this would explain a lot):

Seems our content mines have run a bit bare this morning, so here’s Horatio with a wildly inaccurate analysis of today’s games, and Groups D & E complete the opening round of play in Euro 2020 (in 2021!)

Again, no early games, as we’re in the stretch run and the last thing UEFA, or I, want to see is two teams in the late games knowing that they have nothing to play for and then playing exactly like they have nothing to play for. And that’s definitely not the case today, because (somewhat unbelievably) all 8 teams have a chance to advance. Granted not much of a chance in some cases, (subtly jabs thumb at Poland and the Hun, Gary), but a chance nonetheless.

To the games!

Sweden v. Poland 12:00 EST

Sweden goes through with a win, as that would give them 7 points, and no one else in this Group, (what’s the opposite of the Group of Death? In this case, Group D), can get 7. But, if they just tie, or God forbid lose, they could finish anywhere from third place to last. Poland has played poorly this tournament, as though the screen door in their submarine finally gave way. They’re mired in 4th, with a -1 in goal differential, and are likely headed home, deservedly so. But there’s still a chance! A win over Sweden and a tie in the Slovakia-Spain tilt and Poland has 4 points and either a 1st or 2nd place finish. Expect both teams to play as though their tournament lives depend on it, because Sweden’s might and Poland’s definitely does. Calling an upset here, and saying that Lewandowski gets loose for a pair and a 2-1 victory.

Slovakia v. Spain 12:00 EST

Spain’s been disappointing, managing only two draws, and Slovakia has been, hell I don’t know. I can’t remember their preview. But they have a win, so that means they have one more point than Spain. A win for either team means they go through, a tie puts them at the mercy of the potentially rampaging Poles and the somewhat meh Swedes, and a loss is almost certainly doom. Ordinarily I’d expect a wide open game with lots, (well, “lots” for Lesser Footy) of scoring, but in 4 combined matches they’ve combined for 3 goals, so maybe the fireworks factory is safe in this one. Slovakia has 2 goals to 1 for Spain, so I’ll say Slovakia stumbles to a less-than-exciting 1-0 win and Spain goes home to find that Gen. Francisco Franco is still dead.

Portugal v. France 3:00 pm EST

France was my pick to come out of this Group, (F, the legitimate Group of Death in this tourney), and they came out like a ball of fire and beat Germany, albeit with some help from the Germans. Then they tripped over their own dicks against Hungary, having to pull out a draw late, and now this Group is wide open, too. Portugal is a bit of a mystery, seeming to wait to see what Ronaldo’s going to do before figuring out what they’re team should do, (I know, I’m shocked too), and it cost them badly against Germany. As much as I enjoy chaos, Portugal seems confined to one option, (albeit the best player in the world), and France has 2-3. I’m going to guess that France watches tape of the Germany-Portugal game, gets its shit together, and rolls 3-1. You gamblers might want to take note that I’ve predicted 4 games before and am currently 0-4.

Germany v. Hungary 3:00 EST

Hungary has a theoretical chance of advancing with a win over Germany and a draw between France and Portugal, or Portugal beating France I guess, but that would involve Germany losing to Hungary and after watching what Germany did to a Portuguese team that is much better than Hungary, there is no chance of that happening. Germany takes control early, remembers this time to not invade Russia in the winter, and cruises him 2-0.

Mock my prognositcating in the comments!