One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.

Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts will just leap right into it.

Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.

First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one.

This week’s subject comes from the fertile mind of our tied-for-favoUrite cocaine-addled producer, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly. Fictional team that you would be the owner of. I have to admit that, while this subject intrigues me, nothing immediately leaps to mind. Which is kind of fun. I will, however, have some extra time to think of some picks, as he who smelt it dealt it, or something like that, so RTD gets the first pick.

I will expand the potential universe a bit by allowing you to also act as the athletic director or head coach for fictional high school or college teams as well.

— [door flies open] —

An incredibly handsome, incredibly sleazy Hollywood producer steps into the room.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Hi folks.  With the first pick, I’ll inhabit the essence of “Tex” Wade, head coach of the Horny Toads of Old Tex University, from the 1988 film Johnny Be Good.

As head coach of the most transparently corrupt program the college world has ever seen (eat your heart out, SMU), this is my home, and these are my cars:

This is my back yard:

These are the prostitutes that, due to being sufficiently well-connected to the Texas underworld, I am apparently able to summon at the drop of a hat:

This is my wife (who is apparently into high school boys, but hey you can’t win ’em all):

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY takes a bow and then exits stage left.

—

You have your instructions, and assuming Rikki has his pick in, the rest of you