Your 🎶Football Football Foooooot-uh Baaaaaalllll🎶 Open Thread

You know, in this pandemic…

NEWS 

By which I mean, NFL News dammit—it’s August already wooo!! O, unrelenting march of time: blessed be your proportional dispensation of both the terrible and tolerable.

Indianapolis QB Carson Wentz will have foot surgery, will be out 5 to 12 weeks per head coach Frank Reich.

Let’s turn to the Nick Foles cam:

But seriously, Wentz’s surgery does not really decrease the AFC South’s QB talent pool. Indy has on the bench: Brett Hundley, Jalen Morton, Sam *snickers* Ehlin—

Regarding negotiations for a new contract for QB Josh Allen, Bills GM Brandon Beane blah blah blah mutual deadline of Week 1. Allen’s rookie contract runs until 2022, but last year was his best season by a mile. Allen can justify not negotiating when the season starts by being better—betting on himself, if you will, which is also sometimes an euphemism for “Bye windfall”.

/mulls it over

Allen may be a bonehead, but he’s an intense competitor. He’ll get paid.

Iggle Ignominy, Chapter Preseason: Rookie WR DeVonta Smith injured his knee on last Saturday’s practice and sprained his MCL. ESPN says he will miss 2-3 weeks; however, the Eagles are listing Smith as week to week. Meanwhile, Philadelphia pharmacies ran out of pins after Iggle fans put the inventory on Jalen Hurts voodoo dolls upon finding out that Smith was injured fielding a low pass from the QB.

Related: CBS Sports projects 7 wins for the 2021 Eagles, which is odd because they only have 6 division games. Oh, the extra game.

17 games… It sounds unnatural #ObservationNotComplaint

Today in Quarantines: All Vikings QBs are on the Covid-19 list. Kellen Mond was positive, while Nate Stanley and Kirk Cousins are pariahs by association. The piece does not call them out directly as unvaccinated, but it’s hard to conclude otherwise in light of coach Zimmer’s heat:

Zimmer: “Some of them just won’t do it… some of the things they read are out there. It’s their belief, so whatever they’ve heard or read or been told… maybe they don’t believe what Dr Sills told them either”

— Matthew Coller (@MatthewColler) August 2, 2021

I have no problem with the NFL vaccination policy. BUT

🚧🚨🍅 UNPOPULAR OPINION ALERT 🍅🚨🚧

If folks don’t get vaccinated, that’s on them: leave them be and take care of yo’self. IMHO, delving into someone else’s credo or health conditions is waaaay judgmental for my taste. And if you just had a conniption because I may have characterized DURRR MICROCHIPS as a “credo”, well…

The flip side is vaccination by assault–which I think should be repugnant to any self-respecting believer in “democracy” or “rights”. Me? Pfft. Enlightened despotism does not make me too uncomfortable, especially if there are no pretensions of benevolence. Plus actual enlightenment, not that dialectical materialism crap.

So yeah, I guess you got me. In different circumstances, I could’ve been a Belichick fan.

SPROTS TONITE:

All times Central. Oh! I get to delight you with my outlinin’ skillz. I envy you.

A.Tokyo 2020 Olympics (full listing here)

1. Beach Volleyball

• Women’s Quarterfinal – 7:00
• April / Alix (USA) v. Ludwig / Wickler (GER)

2. Gymnastics

• Women’s Floor Final – 8:30

3. Track & Field

TAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAP jump FOUL MY ASS

/throws chair

Sorry. Old videogame PTSD is a thing.

1. Women’s 400 metRes Round 1 – 8:30
2. Women’s Long Jump Final – 8:30
3. Men’s 200 metRes Round 1 – 9:00
4. Men’s 400 metRes Hurcles Final – 10:20

4. Boxing

The judging is arcane and arbitrary, degrading the action into a Sweet Scientology.

Counterpoint: violence

1. Men’s Flyweight Quarterfinals 1 – 8:00

Martínez (COL) v. Tanaka (J*P)

     b. Men’s Flyweight Quarterfinals 2 – 8:15

Zoirov (UZB) v. Palaam (PHI)

     c. Men’s Featherweight Semis 1– 8:30

Ragan (USA) v. Takyi (GHA)

     d. Men’s Lightweight Quarterfinals 1 – 8:48

Davis (USA! USA!) v. Mamedov (CCCP)

     e. Men’s Lightweight Quarterfinals 2 – 9:03

Bachkov (ARM) v. Abduraimov (UZB)

     f. Men’s Heavyweight Semis 1 – 9:18

Gadzhimagomedov ([Redacted]) v. Nyika (NZL)

      g. Women’s Lightweight Quarterfinals 1 – 9:35

Harrington (IRL) v. Khelif (ALG)

      h. Women’s Lightweight Quarterfinals 2 – 9:50

Dubois (GBR) v. Seesondee (THA)

5. Rasslin’

    a. Men’s Greco-Roman 77 kg / 169 lbs. – 9:00

 Maafi (TUN) v. Huseynov (AZE)

    b. Men’s Greco-Roman 67 kg / 147 lbs. – 10:00

Merabet (ALG) v. Ryu (KOR)

     c. Men’s Greco-Roman 67 kg / 147 lbs. – 10:07

Borero (Small Bear) v. Zoidze (GEO)

     d. Men’s Greco-Roman 67 kg / 147 lbs. – 10:14

Nasr (TUN) v. Al Obaidi (Refugee Olympic Team, 4Reel)

    e. Plus a lot more! Uf, I may have overpromised with these listings.  

   6. Basketball

     a. Slovenia v. Germany – 8:00

      b. USA! USA! v. España – 11:40

B. Based Balls

   1. Piratas (Wilson, 0-0) v. Cerveceros (Lauer, 3-4) – 7:10

    2. Gigantes (DeSclafani, 10-5) v. D’Bax (Widener, 1-1) – 8:40

C. Other

• Enough already, K?

Finally, THE HALL OF FAME GAME IS THURSDAY! Those first ten minutes of placebo ball, followed by uninterrupted kvetching about FF until Week 1, cannot come soon enough.

I can already smell the Toradol.

All gifs via giphy.com.