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JJ Fozz’s Adventures in Hell

jjfozz

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(Editor’s Note: This will function as the Open Thread tonight.  What’s better than a healthy dollop of vitriol for a Sunday Night?)

 

I’ve been unemployed for a full year, despite having 30 years of experience in the marketing and communications industry. I also have a Master’s Degree from Johns Hopkins (doesn’t that impress you? It shouldn’t.) Along the way I have dealt with idiots and morons of all stripes, and the goal of this regular column is to entertain all of you and keep me from castrating and degloving everyone in my range of rage. Enjoy.

An Interview with an HR Person

HR: Hi Mr. Fozz, what can I help you with? [Looks down to check Instagram]

Fozz: Um, well I got furloughed, remember?

HR: [Takes selfie, posts to Instagram] Yeah. You did.

Fozz: I think you didn’t submit the right information to the unemployment department. It’s been six weeks and I haven’t collected money. I have a family.

HR: Unemployment department? Ew, that’s so gross.

Fozz: I’m dying here. I need help.

HR: [Pauses to take a FaceTime call from mentally unstable girlfriend] Ohmygod! No way! Yes, I was sooooo embarrassed. Yes. OH MY GOD APPLETINIS ARE THE BEST!

Fozz: Please, I need your help.

HR: Okay. Um, what’s your name again?

Fozz: JJ Fozz. We’ve worked together for five years. [INTERIOR FOZZ DIALOGUE: I want to push your fingers into the paper shredder. Followed by your face.]

HR: Seriously?

Fozz: Please, can you fill out the form? I sent you the link, the contact information at the unemployment department, and the person’s personal phone number.

HR: [EYES ROLL LIKE BOWLING BALLS] Suuuure, um okay. Just email them or text them. Wait can you SnapChat all the information to me? I know you’re old. Sorry, age-disabled. I learned that today!

Fozz: I’ll email them to you. I’m late for my job stacking boxes in the back of an adult bookstore.

HR: What’s a bookstore?

Fozz: Goodbye. [INTERIOR FOZZ DIALOGUE: I can’t believe this woman drives a Porsche and is 25 years old.]

HR: Do you know the owner of this place has a jacuzzi in his bedroom?

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Gumbygirl

I must say sayonara, but before I go, here’s an important public service announcement

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2Pack

Oh they listen to both kinds… country… and western.

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2Pack

HR people are #1 on my; like ta throttle ’em list, followed by pay clerks.

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TheRevanchist

Sun is setting in the sky.
Teletubbies say good night.

3
BeefReeferLives

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Gumbygirl

Sweet dreams Tinky Winky!

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BeefReeferLives

Manchego & mediterranean olives. mmmmmmmmmmmm.

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TheRevanchist

Have you tried cheese with crackers? Even the cheese-in-a-can tastes great with wheat thins.

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Gumbygirl

I have some disappointing blueberries in the fridge. Should have bought these

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BeefReeferLives

Or this. DJ Short does good work. (It actually does have a blueberryish taste)

https://www.leafly.com/strains/blueberry

Last edited 4 years ago by BeefReeferLives
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Gumbygirl

I fucking love shopping for weed!

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BeefReeferLives

Me too. Picked up some DJ Blueberry Short just this week. Yummy.

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TheRevanchist

At that price, you need to eat them same day. But what a great price it is!

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Redshirt

Bar Rescue Owners: “Hi. It’s our dream to own a bar, but with our credit, no one would lend us the money. So we got our daughter to buy the bar and go $80,000 into debt. But since we don’t know what we’re doing, our daughter won’t be able to go to college.”

Jon Taffer: “Let’s save this bar!”

Me: “Actually, I would like to discuss why two parents guilted their daughter and her educational and financial future by putting her $80,000 in debt with no return. Also, what evil lender would give a 22 year old with little credit that much money with no way to…”

Jon Taffer: “ WE’RE SAVING THE BAR!!!”

Me: “Sorry, it’s your show.”

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BeefReeferLives

Flushing your kids future down the toilet so you can run a bar….

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Last edited 4 years ago by BeefReeferLives
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SonOfSpam

The only person worse than Taffer is pretty much every bar owner.

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blaxabbath

I’ve never seen that show. Is the result to sell the bar or turn a profit or what?

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BeefReeferLives

Listening to the game and keep hearing Justin Herbert as “Just a pervert”

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Gumbygirl

I believe they call that “projection.”

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BeefReeferLives

and the toaster’s been laughing at me

Last edited 4 years ago by BeefReeferLives
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BeefReeferLives

but projection is attributing to others what you subconsciously see as your own shortcomings. I’m aware of and quite comfy with being a total pervo.

just plain ol’ schizophrenia, m’thinks

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Gumbygirl

Excellent self-awareness!

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ballsofsteelandfury

One of No Doubt’s lesser known B-sides.

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Doktor Zymm

I like badgers
https://youtu.be/EIyixC9NsLI

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Gumbygirl

Now you’ve done it! I will never get that out of my head.

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Doktor Zymm

Could easily be worse

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Gumbygirl

True. It was fun to watch!

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BeefReeferLives

Yup, coulda been the 1-800 Kars 4 Badgers commercial.

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Gumbygirl

Those kids deserve their very own milk cartons.

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BeefReeferLives

I like mushrooms

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Mr. Ayo

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Mr. Ayo

FAHK YOU! WHEREAS MY ROYAHLTIES!

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BeefReeferLives

Wow. know anyone with video editing skillz? “TahmmysTahmmysTahmmysTahmmysTahmmmys – CHOWDA”

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SonOfSpam

BADGERS? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING BADGERS!

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Doktor Zymm

The 7-11 by my chi place has 40s of Miller Lite and St Ides and Red Stripe. What in the actual fuck?

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BeefReeferLives

Beware the St. Ides of August! (or any time, really)

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Doktor Zymm

Kaleb is a wholesome youth and doesn’t deserve having to be around Clarkson so much

1
Dunstan

Clarkson’s pissy libertarian act gets old pretty quickly.

What? You mean that in 2020, you can’t just do whatever you want to farmland and crops that people are going to eat? Shocking!

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herodotus450

If bottled water is such a scam, because it’s just tap water and tap water is 100 trillion times cheaper, then why is it so bad to “waste” water by running the faucet or shower for an extra minute or ten? Checkmate libruls.

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WCS

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Doktor Zymm

I won’t pay for libety, I think it should be tree!

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BeefReeferLives

Was reading Ali Wong’s Dear Girls last night (hilarious & thought provoking, rec’d) and tittered to The Good Mrs. Reefer that Ali sure talked a lot about how bushy her vag was. She chuckled & agreed, then cocked an eyebrow at the copy of Yearbook (also good) on the nightstand that I had recently finished and quipped “Of course Seth and pretty much every other male comedian you like never talk about their dick or make jokes about them now, do they?”

TGMR: 9,753
BRL: 0

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Doktor Zymm

Man bush can be voluminous as well, and there absolutely should be more jokes about that

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ballsofsteelandfury

No one ever mentions the ball hair…

– Balls

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BeefReeferLives

I imagine with a little work I could put together a solid 2-3 minute routine on the subject of the “scrot wattle” and the development thereof in middle age alone…

Last edited 4 years ago by BeefReeferLives
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Doktor Zymm

I suspect I speak for most of DFO when I say go for it!

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ballsofsteelandfury

I say he should write it and we will post it here!

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Doktor Zymm

A special version of sexy Friday, Follicular Friday?

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Doktor Zymm

I ordered far too much Thai food. We will see how much I can eat tonight and tomorrow, then we will see how things freeze

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BeefReeferLives

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herodotus450

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Doktor Zymm

Chompy chompy!

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LemonJello

“Didja get that thing I sent ya?”

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BeefReeferLives

Well that is just hands down adorable.

1
WCS

“WHERE ARE THE PILLS?!?”

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Mr. Ayo

Cincinnati Zoo? Surprised he wasn’t shot on the spot.

RIP Harambe.

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Redshirt

Message received: Next time we’ll let the kid die instead of the gorilla. The kids was invading, so technically it is self-defense.

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Horatio Cornblower

Look, you have one job when you go to the zoo: Keep your kid out of the animal enclosures.

If you can’t do that it ain’t on the animals.

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Doktor Zymm

No, chickens do not shit out eggs

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herodotus450

Chickens are birds, and birds have cloacas so… checkmate?

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Doktor Zymm

You also can’t jiggle them and the eggs come out

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Mr. Ayo

Right, you have to pat them on the back like you’re burping a baby.

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BeefReeferLives

Reminded me of this. Ah, the wisdom of tha H-Dog.

https://www.theonion.com/human-resources-bitches-be-makin-me-take-vacation-days-1819583543

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Mr. Ayo

DOINK!!

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Doktor Zymm

I should give myself a lady mullet

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WCS

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Last edited 4 years ago by WCS
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Gumbygirl

Counterpoint: No.

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Doktor Zymm

But how else will I be convincing as a pretend hick?

1
BeefReeferLives

Why, a mullet wig, of course…
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mullet-Adult-Halloween-Wig/27102816

(Gotta say the model nailed it with his expression. I think the photographer said “Give me Tucker”)

Last edited 4 years ago by BeefReeferLives
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LemonJello

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Mr. Ayo

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Brick Meathook

I get a lot of deliveries. Last week I had a Door Dash delivery driver named Maria who I fell in love with at first sight.

Not only was she lovely, she had a bubbly fun personality. She was so sweet it was impossible to not fall in love with her.

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King Hippo

How does she feel about Submarine Stories?

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Gumbygirl

Did you keep her?

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Mr. Ayo

I thought I was only ordering dinner. But I was delivered love.

The 3rd story in the popular Brick storyline.

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WCS

“Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to a tin-can sailor like me…”

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Mr. Ayo

I removed the Dear Penthouse lead in.

Dammit.

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TheRevanchist

She probably delivers to lots of people. Don’t wait too long to call.

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Doktor Zymm

When did Doordash get so shit? They just sent me a recruiting email last week and I am tempted to respond that I don’t want to work for a company that ships such awful changes as getting rid of sorts and search filters. (and yes, I know FB can’t talk, but my group doesn’t do that shit)

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Guess they’re sending all the attractive drivers to Brick’s place….

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LemonJello

AAyyy! It’s-a Joey Bosa! He’s-a talking ‘ere!

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ArmedandHammered

Excellent! Only ever had one HR person I really liked and that was she because she 5’5″, skinny except for her giant tits and sweet ass. I did think she was going for entrapment since she always wore a Catholic school girl outfit at Halloween.

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WCS

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scotchnaut

NFL Tidbit: Frank Gore, who broke the NFL’s color barrier in 1946, will finally retire in 2021.

8
Viva La Tabula Raza

Gotta admire his stick-to-it-iveness.

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herodotus450

“Easton Stick” is the hockey name equivalent of “Wilson Ball,” or “Rawlings Glove,” or “Honest Bob’s Curling Stones.”

4
Sharkbait

When I was working for the AHL team in highschool, i wound up with so many Easton Synergy sticks. I would raid the broken stick pile after games and find ones that were mostly whole, and then buy a blade and use a heat gun to turn it into a two piece stick.

Last edited 4 years ago by Sharkbait
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BeefReeferLives

always thought Ryan Longwell had the best name a kicker could have.

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herodotus450

Presumably Al Davis’ suspiciously well preserved corpse is rolling in its grave knowing the Raiders didn’t draft the guy named “Hasty”

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BeefReeferLives

With a name like that, he’s gotta have some good hustle.

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BeefReeferLives

Dayum. Chargas are ballhawking.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Safety dance!!!

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Viva La Tabula Raza

“Stick” is not a name that instills confidence.

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BeefReeferLives

“What’s brown and sticky?”

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ballsofsteelandfury

I had a FF draft today and Yahoo gave me a C+ and thinks I’ll finish in 6th.

I may win the whole damn thing or finish last. There’s no in-between.

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yeah right

Just finished ours. Think I did alright but haven’t seen the grade yet. Pretty funny how fast the league changes when my final pick was taking a flyer on Cam Newton in the 15th round.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Nice view of the LA smog there, NFL. Feels like I’m watching Lebowski or Repo Man.

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ballsofsteelandfury

That was actually marine layer. The last couple of days have been overcast with a burnoff in the afternoon.

Last edited 4 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
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Viva La Tabula Raza

What time does afternoon end in LA these days? It’s after 5 there.

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ballsofsteelandfury

We’re in summer baby! Afternoon doesn’t end until 8.

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yeah right

Balls is correct. We didn’t see sun until 3 in the afternoon and it’s already gone again. I fucking love a good marine layer. It’s like a cool soft blanket.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

My HR person is this creapy, three piece suit wearing, comb over, fake laughing dude that looks like he joined HR to prevent the complaints against him.

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Gumbygirl

Donny and Marie. I’ve always thought they were up to no good.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Saw Donny on a shuttle in Vegas 15 or 20 years ago. He seemed like a decent human being.

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Gumbygirl

Nobody’s that nice.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

The world has changed a lot during the current century.

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BeefReeferLives

Related question: What did ya do with her body, JJ?

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Doktor Zymm

It doesn’t get better no matter what industry you are in. Even if they call them the People department or whatever. The going advice is to avoid HR and just switch jobs if you have a real issue.

On a happier note, this show where Clarkson tries to farm is fucking hilarious.

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

I’ve already watched it twice all the way through. Fucking Kaleb kills it.

Last edited 4 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I love the accountant guy

3
Doktor Zymm

“so, each mansheep will impregnate 40 ladysheep?”

1
Mr. Ayo

Show is great. Gerald is a riot.

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

Even the folks doing the subtitles can’t understand a thing he says.

3
Dunstan

I remember when Daniel Lavery took over Slate’s Dear Prudence advice column, he was utterly clueless (presumably never having worked a real job in his life) about what HR departments do. He was constantly telling people to go to HR with stuff that you should never go to HR for, on the theory that “they’re there to help you!” It took many people, including some HR professionals, writing in to say “uh, no, they’re there to protect the company, not to referee someone’s petty disagreement with a colleague” before he finally stopped doing it.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Looks like they got their money’s worth on their lightning rod.

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King Hippo

Slow. Clap.

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ballsofsteelandfury

The Purge should begin and end with HR people.

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

Boxcars to Manzanar.

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