Still waiting to hear from Scotchy, but figured I should barf this up just in case (It’s at least a START, fatty! – Karen C.)
Bengals (+1.5) at Bears
What a Brave New World, Bearistocrats! have sucked and fucked their way to not even getting the “standard 3” home to Team WKRP. I’m not complaining, mind.
Texans (+13.5) at Browns
Look, #ThePauls always give the Andy Reid Chefs fits. But I’m not sure they should be this heavily favoUred over a college team, or even the Falcons.
Rams (-4) at Colts
Whaddya know, RRRRRRRRRAM IT!! goes all in to shed their emotionally/intellectually stunted QB, while the Fat Humps go out and acquire one. Ships sailing in opposite directions.
Bills (-3.5) at Dolphins
This line sure doesn’t reflect Week 1’s harsh realities, given that the LOLfins beat Belicheat on the road, whilst BUF lost at home to the putrid (at least in my headspace) Yinzers. But I ain’t betting it.
49ers (-3) at Eagles
Lots of small road favoUrites = very narrow survivor pool trees. If TB or GB lose, half your pool goes down. Perhaps MOAR?
Raiders (+5) at Steelers
Like I said, PIT ain’t no good. But neither are That’s Rikki’s Raiders – and I am especially skeptical coming off an emotional MNF win.
Saints (-3) at Panthers
This seems like a sucker line, given how Sean Payton owns the Black Panthers. Who also acquired an actual ret….Special Young Mani to play QB. I feel less bad about mocking Touch of Downs given that he’s an anti-vaxxer weirdo.
Broncos (-6) at Jaguars
Oh my cats, is I ever worried. Doing all I can to break the likely hex (coming off road win, JAX looking putrid, weird atmosphere, historical bogey side, etc.), posting the good luck pic of me cat and favoUrite shirt, actually putting my Chubb on (I shall spare ye that picture), drinking coffee from Donks mug. And I even bet $50 on Jaguras ML.
Patriots (-6) at Jets
I almost forgot this’un, which would be bad, given the number of supporters in the Clubhouse for each. Neither squadron had a positive start, but everyone expects the Jest to continue Jesting. I dunno, didn’t even consider NE for survivor.
Haven’t see Carr comeback like that since Christine
Carrbomb
Carr drops a bomb
Oh WTF
Who on the 500s coaching staff is Black Santa?
My decision to take Cleveland in the DFO Eliminator Challenge has definitely put a crimp on my plans for a gently used fleshlight.
Zach Wilson looks less than good.
He was my Russell Wilson backup (cut him an hour ago). I hope RW stocked up on recovery water.
Shit, I have Jared Goff backing up Dak. I might be worse off than you.
Fuck this. If I wanted to see Burrow throw 3 consecutive interceptions I’d just play Madden
If you are playing against Burrow you haz a happy.
Burrows going to go for the butt fumble next
REPLAY PLZ
oh Goddamnit!!!!! – everyone who benched Najee Harris after week 1
Sure glad I decided to keep playing him “for just one more week”, like the fantasy genius I am.
To a previous inquiry: Uncle Ed has been arrested. He was trying to burn down a Mormon temple but got a Sikh one instead.
You are a prince among (imaginary) men, Buddy.
Hate when that happens
So it was a Sikh burn?
Prison Girlfriend had 73 yards and a TD on the opening drive.
Q3 just ended, and he has added a TOTAL of 26 yards and a pickerception.
woot woot
Bunch of points in Indy!
Sanchize: “But this guy Joe Burrow, he’s ready to put that last interception behind him and throw the next–”
Other football talking guy: “–interception by the Bears.”
That Kamara play reminds me of an arcane rule – the RB, on a busted play – is NOT allowed to avoid intentional grounding by throwing the ball away past the LoS
Football talking guy: “Ok Mark Sanchez, what happened on this pick-6.”
Sanchize: “Well the Delta-Lamba-Delta Formal just ended but it was still 2 hours until last call so…”
Football talking guy: “You’ve gotta be feeling pretty good if you’re a Bengals fan right now.”
Me: “Well that’s right, most of them probably just took their midday insulation inject–
Football talking guy: “…and the Bears return it for a touchdown. That’s gotta hurt for Bengals fans.”
Is it already Thursday night
Tums should sponsor an awards ceremony called the Tummies.
oh Goddamnit!!!!! – everyone who cut the Chi**** D/ST after week 1
Playing them in 2 leagues. Fuck.
I am against Vegas’ placement kicker.
Sure glad I decided to keep him on the bench “for just one more week”, like the fantasy idiot I am.
Carr was just mostly ded.
Touchdown Burrows
This Bengals/Bears game is emblematic of the deterioration of the Rust Belt
Courtland Sutton makes me tumescent.
Sure glad I decided to keep him on my bench “for just one more week”, like the fantasy idiot I am.
If I was in the Jags marketing department, I would say they were sucking so bad to draw attention to the endangered status of the eponymous feline
Is it ungodly hot in Chicago now? These guys have looked gassed since the game started
No, it’s cause gas prices are so high. Thanks, Biden!
80F is ungodly hot for the typical Bears meat sausage fan
I went to the Taste of Chicago years ago. It was almost 100 degrees out, and there were 600,000 people crammed into Grant Park. I was touched by about 578,000 of them. It was the grossest day ever.
The real reason Brady and Co. left New England: so they could finally star in as many shitty commercials as possible without having to surrender “The Belichick Cut”
Not to be confused with “The Andy Reid Cut,” which is an entire side of beef.
Red zone rocking music for 10 yd completion. Shoulda just used fox injury music for aiijuks first catch of the year
Thank God Prison Girlfriend isn’t among the ded. I like how he plays.
Big Ben no like bad touches
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6f7pgA0riU8
Tom Brady nervously pounding extra 5 adrenochrome smoothies before game
Bears trying so hard to lose but the Bengals won’t let them
I found this really awesome Wentz highlight reel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO-aY6PvpJc
My favorite sports quote of all time was when someone said that “Bernie Kosar runs like a giraffe on Quaaludes.”
especially if you tell him there’s free beer somewhere
“Sorry, Derek, we’re only gonna flag the Steelers for one dirty-as-fuck hit per game.”
It’s like Duke basketball defense – Coach K knows they won’t call a foul on every single possession. So…foul every possession.
Carr now out of the QB survival pool
Is it just me, or is fucking EVERYONE getting hurt today?
Gallons of Recovery Water for pregame cocktails — Russ W, Seattle
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcbR1J_4ICg&ab
We Might See J Peterman!!!!!
add Carr to the list of dead QBs
Carr crashed
I know this isn’t an original question, but…is Schlereth always this dorky?
He’s awful, and I am a Donks homer.
It’s fun hearing the announcers mispronounce Foster Moreau’s name as More-ee-ow.
Did the Shield say last week was great, we need to ramp it down a little?
Every older guy with a moustache and a sweater vest just experienced a teethy blow job sensation during those last few Fields plays
Older guys in sweater vests aren’t getting blowies.
Oh it’s all psychosomatic, or possibly a Malort hallucination
Unless its by the hour. Also you vastly underrate the power of daddy issues
Let me rephrase: older guys in sweater vests aren’t getting blowies from me.
The weird shiny green of the Jets’ helmets puts me in mind of the carapace of those big green horseshit flies.
Interesting comparison.
Franz Kafka could come up with a more coherent team
God I hate those fucking things.
/the flies, not the Jets. I actually like the Jets, but I know better than to expect anything from them other than comical failure.
Fun Fake Fact: There is only one APA approved treatment for Imposter Syndrome, and that is playing the Jets
Only APA we listnyto
Hey Buddy – how is Uncle Ed taking this shitshow?