Your Substitute Teacher’s Monday Night Football Open Thread

Hey!  Put that down.

As you know, your regular instructor Mr. Scotchnaut won’t be able to…

No, he doesn’t have COVID.  He’s got…

NO.  He doesn’t have a case of gonorrhea that he caught from a groupie in Florida, and no he is not using a phony COVID diagnosis to hide the gonorrhea from his wife while he finishes a course of antibiotics…

What’s your name? Lemonjello? Put your hand down.  No, not down your pants. No, not on your…stop.  Just put it on your desk.

And you, what’s your name? Horatio Cornblower? Ha ha, that’s a stupid name. With your speech impediment it sounded like you were saying “whore ratio” and I was thinking “what does that [points] Hippo-looking kid’s mom have to do with any of this…”

Oh no! You’re going to tell the principal that a substitute teacher was being mean to you! Look out, everyone. Turns out little Whore Ratio here is a snitch! Huh. I wonder if there are any unsolved mysteries in this class about how Mr. Scotchnaut found out about something you kids…

Why yes, kid-who-looks-like-a-bunch-of-fish-guts, I was thinking of something exactly like the chinchilla incident. I guess everyone got in a lot of trouble after someone told Mr. Scotchnaut what had really happened with the class chinchilla.  But you wouldn’t know anything about that, now would you, Whore Ratio?

Oh, are you crying?  Really?  Oh, for heaven’s sake, can’t you take a joke, you little freak?

All right, all right, enough pleasantries, let’s talk about today’s lesson assignment.  We’ve got the 4-1 Bills versus the 3-2 Titans.  When they were putting together the schedule this was probably viewed as a marquee matchup, but after the Titans got obliterated in Week 1 against the Cardinals and the Bills fell beneath the relentless onslaught of a rapidly aging Ben Roethlisberger (is that why they refer to him as “grey” now? Make sense) I bet a few folks in the scheduling office were tugging their collars nervously.

Fortunately, both teams have righted the ship and it’s looking like we’ll be getting some quality on-field product this evening.

-Josh Allen should be able to light up the Titans very iffy secondary, which is important to me because I need 12 points out of Stefon Diggs to win my fantasy matchup.

-Derrick Henry will be facing probably the toughest run defense he’s seen all season.  They may actually be able to keep him bottled up.

-Julio Jones will be back!

-The line (Buffalo -6) is way too big.  If you’re betting, you should take the points.  And if you’re listening to my advice about betting, you should be polite to the nice men in white coats who come to pick you up and take you to someplace safe where you won’t be able to hurt yourself anymore.

-Also there’s baseball – Houston Asterisks versus the Boston Red Sox.

[takes flask out of jacket pocket, leans back and puts feet up on desk] Now get to work, you goddamned delinquents!