Your Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

I made mention of it yesterday but I’d like to repeat myself-the commentariat was on fire yesterday and it was a blast participating. Old Aaron sure did take it on the chin, didn’t he? Anyway, quality work all round-I haven’t giggled and snorted that much in quite some time.

Fallout:

-Much like a drunk wr in a sports car, the Raiders keep rolling. First round cb Damon Arnette was released after a vid popped up of him threatening to kill, somebody? Anybody? I’m not into details. Seems like Vegas’ entire 2020 draft class is in a battle of attrition and attrition is winning.

-Welcome back Adrian Peterson! He scored a TD which obscured his 2.1 ypc number. But hey, he’s 42 yrs old or somesuch-good on him.

-There was talk that because Justin Herbert had two bad games back to back that he had been deciphered. (by two DC’s, I guess) After going 32 for 38 for 356 yesterday, Maury Povich has declared him…NOT SOLVED!

-Btw, the Chargers aren’t going anywhere until their atrocious run D gets fixed.

-It took but two weeks for the shine to wear off the once 5-2 Bengals. Now they’re among five 5-4 teams scrabbling to get their shit together in the AFC.

To The Game!

Bears/Steelers:

-Halas! Rooney! Original owners! This is my guess as to how the game will be introduced tonight because, as with many standalone tilts, it’s not going to succeed on its own merits.

-It’s unfortunate that Ben isn’t doing one of those ‘retirement tours’ during his last year. It’s his last year, right? Gotta be. That way, he could be given rocking chairs, pain killer prescriptions, knee replacement coupons and a lifetime supply of muumuu’s. Seriously, that guy is going to balloon up to 475 pounds once he doesn’t have to workout anymore.

-Montgomery has been activated! Will he lead the Allied Forces to victory in Tunisia? Harry Turtledove hasn’t gotten that far yet. Patience.

-Speaking of going on the offense, opposing forces love that Bear D. They’ve given up 30+ points and 400(!) yards in their last two battles.

-Fortune favors the Steelers here-they’ve won 19 straight home tilts on Monday night.

Do your blurst.

 

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Sharkbait

How in the hell has Mike Tomlin NEVER beaten the Bears?

the king in yellow

Because he plays down to shit teams, just like he’s starting to do right now.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

GO GET ‘EM, JAKE!

Game Time Decision

Don’t càaaaaaaaaarrrrreeeee

Sharkbait

I forgot. November in the NFL means all sideline gear is camouflage and we have to salute the troops every ten seconds.

Horatio Cornblower

They’re so subtle about it every other month.

NotShogunButShogun

Well Susan is gone at least.

NotShogunButShogun

And racism is soon to follow!

the king in yellow

Got to keep glorifying the military so we can keep spending a fortune on pointless wars.

Horatio Cornblower

They’re not pointless, sir; my 401K isn’t going to go up by itself!

LemonJello

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Horatio Cornblower

I’ll bet Gronk gets USAA insurance before Henry Ruggs does.

Horatio Cornblower

Here’s Adam Schefter, with all the news that he’s pre-cleared with NFL GMs to share with us.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So much has happened between that story breaking and now it feels like it happened thirty years ago.

tomsellecksmoustache

The rookie is just warming up against Tomlin. The second half is going to be a damn coming out party and frankly, America wants it to happen to the Steelers.

Gumbygirl

Um, not quite all of America?

Dolph Ucker

There goes the shutout

Dolph Ucker

I never get to do this. I just got to say, I am glad to be able to post here during an actual tilt instead of reading posts days later and laughing creepily to myself. It just worked out tonight. Also, Bears not be a good footballing squad.

NotShogunButShogun

Do not make me remind you how Goo-dell decides things. Harrison was his previous love.

Horatio Cornblower
LemonJello

“It’s expected.”

-Active duty and veterans everywhere

Gumbygirl

It would have been very bad indeed for this bitch if she killed my husband.

NotShogunButShogun

Pretty sure imma be blocked from packer insta.
Alls I said was, “so my choices are a qb who can’t or one who has no brain but footballs good? A dilemma!” We’ll see where the money flows.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Do you think Andy Dalton feels good about himself right now?

Horatio Cornblower

Well, he’s not getting turned into paste behind a shaky offensive line, and he’s cashing checks for $10 million.

I’m going to guess he’s feeling great.

clint greasewood

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Horatio Cornblower

Malice at the Palace II looks like shit.

Game Time Decision

That taint good

LemonJello

Not as much fury as I’d expect from balls of steel

Horatio Cornblower

What about balls of fury?
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LemonJello

There is a sufficient amount of steel in those balls of fury.

litre_cola

I forgot Jimmy Graham played for Chicago, or for anyone really.

LemonJello

I wonder if he played any other sports. Is there any way to check this?

litre_cola

They throw fish in Seattle, I know that.

LemonJello

Jerome Bettis’ hometown? No, that’s not right…

NotShogunButShogun

And in green bay they rake sauerkraut!

Dolph Ucker

I’ll take basketballs for $400, Aaron.

Sharkbait

He’s still a thing?

ArmedandHammered

Maybe not a thing but a noun, as it can be a person, place or thing! Thanks School House Rocks for edumacating me!

Last edited 2 years ago by ArmedandHammered
Horatio Cornblower

Tonight’s tasty beverage
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Sharkbait

I really need to road trip out to Treehouse

Horatio Cornblower

Honestly this might be their best. I put it right up there with King Julius.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Does it have a little goatee?

Horatio Cornblower

I suspect you’ll find out in the relatively near future.

Game Time Decision

-E. Manning from under his blanket fort

rockingdog

That’s Rocking!

Horatio Cornblower

They’d certainly like us to.

LemonJello

SHANK’LOR is so bored with this game, she’s fucking with the punter now.

Fronkenshteen

My 2 year old is singing along to Frank Sinatra’s “Cycles”. Quite an indictment on my current mood.

LemonJello

“Eh, its not like he insulted me personally.”
-R. Goodell

Col. Duke LaCross

Shocking. Earholing a guy is apparently legal in Pittsburgh.

Horatio Cornblower

“Did you see how he was dressed? Guy was asking for it!”

Rothlisberger, probably

Gumbygirl

Gumby just won his ff match with that Muthdown. He is shit talking hard.

litre_cola

This has been horrible.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Been working, do i need to turn this on or is it a debacle as expected?

LemonJello

Chicago alternating between being a moveable object and a stoppable force.

litre_cola

Oh it’s ugly for Bears fans.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll go get my jersey

the king in yellow

I don’t trust Pittsburgh to not fuck it up. They consistently play to the level of their competition and let shit teams back in games.

Gumbygirl

It is known.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m up by 50+ points in FF and I have Harris and the Pitt D going tonight.

Yahoo thinks that there is a 1% chance that Harris and the Pitt D are going to lose more than 50 points tonight.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d say the odds are about as good as the Raiders being forced to cut two of their first round draft picks in a single week.

Horatio Cornblower

And that would be nutty, like ignoring all that Simpson DNA!
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LemonJello

Ditka?

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LemonJello

THIS CHICAGO OFFENSE I CALL IT ANIMAL PLANET BECAUSE WE’RE SEEING BEARS JUST SHITTING ALL OVER THEIR NATURAL HABITAT

Sharkbait

I would say the Manningcast should have David Attenborough on, but the curse might literally kill him.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Dolph Ucker

Virginia McCaskey’s still alive? Holy shit! I went to Bears/Packers game in Lambeau once and they walked her out on the field for something and I remember thinking she didn’t have much longer. I was wrong. Clearly.

Col. Duke LaCross

And that was twenty years ago!

Horatio Cornblower

She’s determined to outlive that ol’ bitch Elizabeth II.

Betty knows what she did.

Last edited 2 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
NotShogunButShogun

Even Curly is all, “hey we had fun, but…”

Dolph Ucker

OOoaaaahhhh Jeeeeeeezzziz. It’s Monday? Shit.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s also an hour earlier than you think it is.

Dolph Ucker

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRRRRRGGGH

Sharkbait

Who had an easier time scoring? Najee Harris or K’andre Miller right here:

https://twitter.com/i/status/1457883708925616143

Anthony In TX

Because of the stupid fucking time change and it being unnecessarily hot in my house for some reason, I’ve been awake since about 3:30am (I usually get out of bed at 5:15). I’m pretty much headed to bed the instant my daughter hits the hay.

Horatio Cornblower

Nice of you to raise Elway’s kid as your own.

litre_cola

Same here. Last night I slept from 6 pm til 4 am when wee man and pug got up.

LemonJello

Do we not get ManningCast tonight because Eli won’t come out of his blanket fort?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s been a rough week for him. By a terrible coincidence he was wearing his spaceman pajamas during the night of the Astroworld tragedy and he’s had nightmares every night since.

Brocky
LemonJello

Matt Canada sounds like another one of Mike Vick’s nom de plumes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I hate to think of what he was getting treated for the day he signed in as “Johnny Jamaica”.

Sharkbait

What should tonight’s tasty beverage feature? Rye or gin?

LemonJello

Yes. Have some.

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Last edited 2 years ago by LemonJello
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m having wine.

(ooh, it has probably breathed enough, I should go have some!)

Sharkbait

The answer was gin. At least to start.

Sharkbait

They’ve been bad for the most part

Fronkenshteen

Rangers seem to have constructed a roster to lose 6-5 every night. Bold strategy, Cotton.

Brocky

So time for an update in brockys fantasy world.

Despite all my injuries, I’m holding a 19.5 point lead. If win I’ll be in first place once again.

Also, I have two players to their one.

So why am I nervous?

Because the universe fucking hates me. I’m playing Herbert because I didn’t know Montgomery was gonna be active until exactly two minutes into last night’s game, eliminating my chance to do roster adjustments.

Also I’m starting Mooney and my opponent has Robinson, who has been consistently been outscored by Mooney, but you know of course this is the week the media decides to belittle Robinson for having no tds.

So you know what? I’m gonna fight fire with fire

God if I lose this match-up I’m gonna kick every puppy I can find withing a 14 mile radius. I live near a pet store.

Dfoers, if you like puppies, you better pray Robinson gets shut out tonight

Brocky

Holy shit, God couldn’t go two minutes without thinking of the puppies

litre_cola

/puts litrepug in bedroom.

Brocky

To be fair , I’m not sure I could hit a puppy pug. I’m less accurate than Cody parkey

Gumbygirl

We need a litrepug pic!

Brocky

Yes… for research.

Although if you live in Indiana I’m gonna feel sorry for you no matter what

litre_cola

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Brocky

Puggle?

litre_cola

Nope, straight up pug. Dad was Apricot coloUr, mom was fawn.

Horatio Cornblower

I read that as “mom was A fawn” and was like, damn.

Gumbygirl

Awwwwwwww! He is a sweet little pugger. That’s one hell of a tattoo! So many colors. Gumby has a Tijuana special from 1979, faded blue, with a tiny bit of gold. Eagle. He was in bootcamp, woke up in a nasty hotel room with a shaved head and a bloody bandage on his arm. He thought he’d been shot, and he had no memory of any of it.

LemonJello

Is “Bears D” a Buddy Cole mating call?

Fronkenshteen

shit. I need the bears to achieve on the road. Fuck is wrong with me?

litre_cola

I bet on them too.

WCS

Princess Finance wants to watch a movie. It’ll be slightly more enterfucky than this “game.”

Go Stillers. I guess. HARF

LemonJello

Which Shrek are you watching?

Anthony In TX

Are you taking suggestions?
Nomadland was a really good movie last year. Yes, I know it won best picture, so “really good” seems like it would be pretty obvious.
But no kidding, it was a really, really good movie.

Horatio Cornblower

‘Nomadland’ is outstanding. I was wondering what I was watching for 10-15 minutes and then the whole thing just punched me right in the forehead. Absolutely amazing film. Cannot recommend it enough.

Horatio Cornblower

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litre_cola

White Cheddar Popcorn.

Gatoraids

tortilla chips and salsa

clint greasewood

Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles.

Mr. Ayo

Freezer vodka

Gumbygirl

Honey mustard pretzel pieces.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Shrimp chips.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[sees thread, hyperventilates] – Kolton Miller

ballsofsteelandfury

I absolutely LOATHE these throwback uniforms. Let’s not even talk about the bumblebee outfits.

The Steelers are the one team that should not have alternate uniforms.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking of the Steelers, did you know that Ed O’Neill (Al Bundy) used to play for them? I’m not sure he ever saw the field during the regular season, but he was on their roster at the same time as Mean Joe Greene.

ballsofsteelandfury

I believe he scored 4 touchdowns in one game.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That seems tough to do as a defender (which he was) unless you are playing against prime Nathan Peterman.

Gumbygirl

With his hands down his pants!

Gatoraids

Read a good article a couple weeks ago about how big Married with Children and its remake is in Russia. Even hired the old writers to write more episodes when they remade all the original episodes.

“AN ORAL HISTORY OF ‘СЧАСТЛИВЫ ВМЕСТЕ,’ THE RUSSIAN REMAKE OF ‘MARRIED… WITH CHILDREN”

Horatio Cornblower

Ed O’Neill also has a really high jiu jitsu belt. I think he’s probably the one guy in Hollywood that could legitimately flatten everyone else.

Redshirt

(puts a sign reading “NO HIPPOES ALLOWED!!!” on the Bengals Bandwagon)

ballsofsteelandfury

I thought misery loved company?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, no, you misunderstood – it’s a safety thing. Apparently Henry Ruggs is driving.

litre_cola

Need me 10 pts from a Mooney and a Kmet whoever the hell those guys are to beat teh Hippo in TWBS lg! Go Bearistocrats!

Anthony In TX

Sekhmet is an ancient Egyptian god. Does that count?

rockingdog

Found a funny;

principal: we found a bunch of drugs in your sons bag

me: oh no… what’s going to happen

principal: [dumping it all on the table] a fuckin party lol

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, I miss Principal Irsay.

Gumbygirl

.

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rockingdog

Whoa 😮

Janet Yellen
2016
Secretary of Treasury

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Fronkenshteen

Marriage hanging on by a gossamer thread. Alcoholism rampaging. Need Justin Fields to outscore Diontae (sp?) by 11. I have a shot?

litre_cola

You do! Just remember however shitty things are that you still have West Ham killing fools this year!

Fronkenshteen

Hammers have me floating on air. I’m an alcoholic. She’s right to want out. Pretty sure the only reason we’re not divorced already is because neither of us could afford it, and one of the things we agree on is that kids of divorce unnecessarily get treated like shit. It’s easier to passive aggressive each other to fucking death. Life is like the muddy suckhole a razorclam needs to live. Bears in an upset.

Last edited 2 years ago by Fronkenshteen
Fronkenshteen

Aye-aye.

Gumbygirl

I’m sorry to hear that. I’m rooting for you, but not for the Bears.

Fronkenshteen

I suck. I don’t deserve what I’ve got. Thanks for your good wishes.

Gumbygirl

You don’t suck! Sometimes it just doesn’t work out, no matter how good your intentions. Hang in there, we are always available if you need to vent. I would be a hot mess without you guys, no shit!

litre_cola

I could really use an extended break. If I get the Rona, I will milk the shit out of it, even though I have been vaxxed thrice! Just me, some weed and doing fuck all for 2 weeks.

But Litre, you work from home? Yeah but I can fake the hell out of a cough, I smoke!

ballsofsteelandfury

I was supposed to go to Germany the week that the US closed its border. Before that, I hadn’t gone on an extended vacation (at least a week) since 2017.

Yeah, I could use a break and a beach.

litre_cola

Or a weekend in Vancouver in January? Be warned, you would be in the Voyageurs section for the game ….

ballsofsteelandfury

I don’t think anyone in their right mind actually roots for the USMNT.

litre_cola

I think BC Place will be absolutely jacked for that one. Commonwealth Stadium outside in Dumpsville will have 50K on Friday and Tuesday against el tri.

ballsofsteelandfury

I went to the Women’s World Cup at BC Place. Great stadium and we took the False Creek boats to the games. I fucking love Vancouver.