Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 14, 2021 Season

Man, is Scotchy’s banner quote about the Clapton-ish window ever…evergreen.  At least with respect to the early games.  One keeps thinking “it can’t get any shittier” and every week it does.  MOAR BLEERGH-centred as well.

The game that stayed close-ish the longest was Truthers/500s, but Seattle broke it open late.  Russ is still quite a bit off, but plenty good enough (with Rashaad Penny going off) to beat old, sad Houston.  Davis Mills is not the answer, unless you are asking which NFL quartered back most could pass for a stock broker.  Got some empty calorie yardage late, but 33-13 was your final.

Oh, things are not happy in Charm City.  Lamar!, he die.  Tyler Huntley, he not so good.  Because #ThePauls are #ThePauls, they kept letting Baker, Baker, the turnover maker throw, which allowed the Ratbirds to edge back into non-embarrassing score territory.  A 4th down Hail Mary even pulled the final margin to 24-22, pending the onside kick.  But except for garbage time, this was never, ever a game.

But #ThePauls Pauled up the onside kick, leaving 80 seconds to get the winning FG.  But Balmer could not even manage a single first down.

The only query in TN/JAX was whether DonT’s Magnificent Tits would get the clean sheet.  And yes, yes they would.  20-nil, with Tennessee basically playing at a pre-season pace.  Prison Girlfriend is looking Ryan Leaf-ish, ain’t he?

Remember when the Raiders actually beat the Chefs in Arrowhead last season?  Remember all the “torch is being passed” TAEKS early this season?  Fat Andy and friends remembered.  So much so that he got Tyreek Hill hurt, passing deep up 35-3 in the second half.  It finally, mercifully ended at 48-9.  On the heels of 41-14 in Vegas, baby.  KC could have scored as many as they wanted.  Scott Muthafuckin’ Hanson confirmed 48-9 as Glorious Scorinami.

My fantasy team needed a win against a 3-10 opponent to claim the division.  He started Dalvin Cook AND the Chefs D/ST.  Hippo sucks at all the things.

Taysom Hill is a terrible QB, but a fantasy monster.  Two Q4 scoring runs, and the Saints pull away from the hapless Jest, 30-9.  I have fuckall else to say here.

Have you noticed how badly Dak! has been playing?  Hippo’s fantasy team noticed.  But this was the schizo N-GCp’s week to be world beaters on defense, and they absolutely pushed the ‘Dacteds’ shit in.  27-14, unwatchable dreck.  And then Dak! tossed a wretched pick six in garbage time, now it’s 27-20 (extra point blocked).  HOLY SELF-INFLICTED SHIT.  Followed by a 3 and out, but Heinecke fumbled away their last gasp (in Zeuerlein range).  But this time, they convert the 3rd and 4, on a naked bootleg.  Which, as always, was wide the fuck open.  Victory formation, 27-20, Dallas.

Only ancillary fantasy impact was notable in Atlanta’s 29-21 road win at the Black Panthers.  Which are now led by 90s indie legend PJ Harvey, because Cam was just that awful.

Fuck me, NC State was even leading #1 Purdue by double-digits most of the second half.  And they blew it, losing in OT.  At least I didn’t watch, what with FITBAW being FAMILY and all.  Still left a mark.

Take Hippo away, late window!

Tomsulas/Team WKRP!  In maybe their first meaningful matchup since the Superb Owl that broke my little brother’s heart.  And I laughed at him, because I’m an asshole.  Come 2021, Cincy decided not to show up until Q4 – but what a quarter it was!  Stormed all the way back from 20-6 down to force OT (after a dropped pick 6 that would have iced it for CIN, then a missed Gould FG that would have ended it in regulation), then started OT…by failing on 3rd and short and settling for a FG.  Santa Clara then took almost all of the time off the clock, and a Draw looked possible (as always, Most Glorious).  But Janeane kept converting 3rd and mediums, and Aiyuk ended things a few plays later, tiptoeing down the sidelines and winning the VAR sweepstakes.  26-23, and nobody wants to win the AFC North.  I want a 4-way tie at 9-8, 9-8, 9-8, and 8-7-2, which I hope remains a 1 in a trillion mathematical possibility.  Outliers rule.

I am very thankful for the Yinzers and Vikings, making sure Denver couldn’t be the squadron to break the No-Fuck Lions’ duck.  With the pressure off, Donks rolled to a comfortable 38-10 win.  No shut out, though.  It’s very difficult to shut out an actual professional team – no matter how overmatched.  Know what I mean, Coach Co-ed Grinder?  RIP to Donks great Demariyus Thomas, who died this week at age 33.  Jesus, that’s sad.

Nobody can say anything nice about the Mike Glennon Gigantes, so say nothing at all?  OK, nothing that much.  But hey, Prison Girlfriend?  Even Glennon managed not to get shut the fuck out.  (Nelson Muntz laughing)  Garbage time added a few more scores to the ledger, followed by a successful, futile onside kick.  37-21, in all reality a blowout.  My NAME Is JUDGE should get fired any day now.

Reeling Buffalo heads down to MRSA-land, hope everyone remembered to keep their mute buttons handy.  I hate MRSA Dreamboat MOAR and MOAR with every passing week.  Tampa has a really good defense, now that the unit (PHRASING) is getting healthy.  But Buffalo must have had their Wheaties and/or some East German horse steroids at halftime, because they roared all the way back from 24-3 and then 27-10 (with like 10 minutes to play).  But they settled for a short FG and OT on their last possession, after a not-really-blatant-but-Shield-ALWAYS-calls-it DPI on 3rd and 2 from the MRSA 7.  That was just one of FOUR plays late in regulation and OT that could have gone either way (BLEERGH-wise), with MRSA benefitting from.  EVERY.  Single.  Goddamned.  One.  Yes, 2020-21 wasn’t enough for the assholes in charge, the thumb will be on the scale AGAIN in the 2021-22 playoffs.  This ending was just the preview.  Buffalo was once the king-in-waiting in the AFC, now they might miss the playoffs completely.

A nice catch by Scott Hanson – the Bills FIRST FUCKING HANDOFF of the game came in Q3.  And it was on a failed fake punt.  McDermott might want to be a little less cute, and stubborn in how cute he finds himself.

The Bearistocrats! take their sucking and fucking road show to Lambeau.  Would Q-aaron taunt their travelling fans this week, or just let it go?  I expected fuckall from Montgomery, as my last fantasy hope.  Keep your expectations low, and you’ll never be disappointed.  OK, I was still disappointed, just not SURPRISED.  Chi**** made a game of it, even running off the first 10 points.  But Q-aaron got them in the end zone midway through Q2, and you could see where things were headed.  Quite the accelerant when Strawberry Fields threw a pick six on the very next possession (as I was typing in real time).  Anyway, it’s 9:23 EST, and I am sure enough of a Packers win to wrap this column up.  Feel free to mock me in the comments if I am wrong, or even if I am right.  I deserve ALL THE SCORN.