Did you pour some whiskey or Baileys (‘Elf Cum’, as Dave Attell called it many years ago) into your coffee to take the edge off this morning? Atta boy/girl! Let’s get to work.
To The Games!
Lions/Falcons:
According to PFF, Cordarelle Patterson has taken a snap at safety this year-you can’t get that guy off the field! Our favorite meathead (meatball?) coach has the talent-free Lions playing hard but now they’ve been saddled with a Boyle. Gotta lance that thing in the offseason, coach.
Bucs/Panthers:
Coach Rhule, in what is clearly not some sort of desperation move-he’s just going to get the best out of both-will have both Cam and Darnold behind center today. The Bucs are down a bunch of skill guys but it won’t matter.
Ravens/Bengals:
The surprisingly competent Huntley is down and some dumb Johnson is in. What was I saying awhile back about your backup having at least some of the same abilities as your starter so the there could be some flow to your offense? This is what a half-decent franchise does. A shitty one puts an immobile giraffe out there and then moves on to a practice squadder poached from another team. Speaking of…
Giants/Eagles:
How about that Philly luck? They’re chasing a playoff spot and have been gifted with Garrett Gilbert and Jake Fromm in successive weeks. The offense has been pulling their weight though-since wk 7 they’re 5th in Expected Points Added and that number should improve after today.
Chargers/Texans:
Everyone and their fortune teller thinks that this is a smash spot for the likes of Herbert, Jackson, Allen and the like and my fantasy team agrees. When the Chargers are leading they don’t take their foot off the pedal-they still throw 61% of the time.
Rams/Vikes:
Cooper Kupp is +3500 to win MVP despite being on a pace for 199(!) catches and 1,973 yards and 17 TD’s. Cousins uneven play hasn’t hampered Minny too much the last few weeks but expect the trio of Donald, Floyd and Miller (they each had a sack of Wilson last week) to supply their own special brand of pressure.
Bills/Pats:
New England will be without Agholor (meh) and rook rb Stevenson (oh!) today. Even though I’m inclined to throw out some of what occurred in that Weird Windy Game a few weeks ago I will say that The Old Curmudgeon proved himself to be far more flexible in his game-planning than McDermott and Daboll. The Bills are just too dependent on their qb making game-breaking plays and when he isn’t the O has no structure and seems disorganized.
Jags/Jets:
Saved the best for last! (or almost forgot about doing this game) I took the Jags D because Zach looks like a shell of a Mormon out there and I wanted a rooting interest in this tilt.
Get after it.
Mac and sneeze
11 point lead on Internet Dad, 5 players to go, he has the NO defense and Leonard Fournette, who is on IR.
Never say absentee fathers aren’t good for anything.
It is convinient that the New Orleans defense is abbreviated NO defense
Just in time to catch the last minute of New Buffala
Uhhh spiking it on 3rd and goal with 12 seconds left?
And you can’t even blame that one on Urban Meyer.
This is why the Bengals ran it up and tore up their record book.
Ravens’ Wink Martindale on Bengals’ QB: ‘I don’t think we’re ready to buy a gold jacket for Joe (Burrow) yet’ – CBSSports.com
Why do they put those little flags on top of the uprights in a domed stadium? In case the HVAC is blowing too hard?
Either that’s the rules or just in case any owner decides to get creative with the HVAC when the other team lines up for a field goal.
Oh, God. Joe Burrow is still in the game. At this point, they are mooning the football gods daring them to spite their asses.
If Fantasy Football is still going on and you started Joe Burrow or Tee Higgins, you’re in good shape.
I did start Tee Higgins!
A lot of dreadful football today. It’s great!
Played Burrow and faded Allen in one of my money leagues-feeling smrt.
Okay, now the Bengals are just running up the score.
BLEERGH disagrees.
The score is sponsored by the good folks at Van Halen INC.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5txwFv-zYM&ab_channel=VHTelevision
Trent Green saying he won’t forget an earlier play is like Andy Reid saying he won’t go back to the buffet.
This is very unBungle like.
Can’t wait to see what they do next week.
I’ve been scream-thinking that to myself every psudo-orgasmic second of this game.
“You know what, a giraffe will solve all your problems!”
-Joe Judge, interviewing for his next job as animal handler at the Bronx Zoo
Giraffe’s are always the answer!
That’s ROCKING!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srMePRL0aIQ
Also Joe Burrow and da bengals seem legit
That’s ROCKING!!!!
Chase has set two franchise rookie records. Hendrickson has set the franchise season sack record. Burrow is 50 yards from the franchise game passing yard record.
Higgens is now over 1000 yards, joining Chase and Boyd is about 200 yards away.
Yup. I won’t say it until the season over (learned my lesson in That Wild Card Game), but this looks good.
Hell yea
Chargers backup RB Jackson with the 2nd TD
That’s Rocking!!! 💪
That’s lovely and all but Herbert needs to throw all the TD’s.
Jaguras doing everything possible to lock in that #1 draft pick.
Lions, Jets, and Texans all winning, like a buncha losers.
I think they should look at the bottom three teams, figure out which one is at least trying to win, and give the first pick to them. “With the first pick in the 2022 draft, the Detroit Lions select….”
The most participation trophy of participation trophies.
At least they’re trying! Jaguars are just hoping to get to the offseason without dying.
Here you go, Lions:
We talk about “insurmountable leads” and currently the Eagles have 20 points. The Giants have scored 20(!!!) or less in seven of their last 10.
Not only are there no snow games, there aren’t even any cold weather games today. This planet is fucking melting.
Seattle will be hosting a snow game today.
We got 4 or 5 inches last night. Very pretty
“Sigh.”
-D.Favre
You guys never disappoint! Unlike Bret Favre.
Phillippe’s French Dip > Juicy Lucy
Are you on a diet or something?
Three week all-liquid diet (clear soups, broth, applesauce, chamomile tea). All I can do is look at pictures of food.
On the other hand, I’ve feel terrific.
Damn, I couldn’t do that for 3 weeks. I bet you dropped some pounds!
Falcons need to give the ball to Cordalle Patterson more
that would be rocking
Goooo Football!!!!
How can a QB go 6/17 for 25 yards?
That’s what happens when you have a giraffe for a mentor.
Chargers are laying an enormous egg this afternoon.
My god, are they ever.
Can you hear femur drums and shredding guitar solos coming from inside that egg?
What the hell did Chase do?!
[plays the odds] Dropped a TD pass?
Tony Jefferson is apparently “being elevated”.
…so Mr. Jefferson is movin’ on up, then?
Time to put Giants fans back on the Suicide-Homicide List.
Giants plan to bring back head coach Joe Judge and quarterback Daniel Jones for 2022 season, per report – CBSSports.com
An NFC East present
We’re all on the Resignation Watch. It’ll be same old, same old for another year and then we can move on.
Why no highlights from the Giants-Eagles game?
Can’t show something that doesn’t exist*
*Texans highlights are all CGI
It’s cute how they think any goddamned Pitts owners are still alive in the fantasy playoffs.
How are the Texans winning?
WHY are the Texans winning?
WHAT are the Texans winning?
“I’ll do you one better: WHERE are the Texans winning?!” – Drax