New Year’s is bullshit. The only thing worse is New Year’s Eve.

It is amateur hour, with every dunce who doesn’t drink all year long suddenly thinking they’re Dean Martin. As a professional drinker, it’s frustrating to watch people fail miserably at what you consider to be your life’s work.

Oddly enough, I have had some world class shitball New Year’s Eve experiences. Example. My friend knew a bunch of people from his bartending days in Annapolis, and they were having “this awesome party, we gotta go!”

He built it up as being full of hot women, plenty of booze, and good times.

The house looked like the set of the original Chain Saw Massacre. Inside were about 20 goons, dorks, jocks, nerds, and guys like me. Maybe two girls. I went outside on the deck to relieve myself and realized that my stream had not gone through the posts, but directly onto them.

Splash back resulted in a noticeably huge stain in the crotchal region of my jeans. I sat outside in 30-degree weather for two hours for it to dry. The rest of the night was a blur. I woke up on the floor wrapped in a dog towel.

Enchanting, right?

The other boneheaded feature of New Years are resolutions. People run around like crazed Jawas asking what your resolution is. Fuck off. My current resolution is to bury a fucking jagged bourbon bottle into your brain.

But hey, maybe there are some habits I need to cultivate, and some I should avoid. So, without further ado, here they are.

CUT DOWN ON THE DRINKING

Probability of this happening: 5%

I am old and unemployed. I have three boys who are dicks. Mrs. Fozz is planning my downfall and the dog is on her side. Alcohol is not just a hobby, it’s a way of life. I’ll compromise and keep my nightly intake down to three stiff drinks. Happy? As always, beer in the morning will continue to be the order of the day.

GET A JOB

Probability of this happening: 50%

You all know my struggles in achieving this goal. It has not been pleasant. Believe me when I say I dedicate myself to this goal. If something doesn’t happen soon, I’m going into the fucking monastery. I hear it’s quiet, you can read a lot, and there aren’t any women or kids around. In all seriousness, I need to get a job.

MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE DOG

Probability of this happening: 73%

She is still technically a puppy, so she’s got lots of energy. I caught her chewing on a Christmas ornament last week and she has ruined my backyard. She is a beautiful dog, so she’s got that going for her – like the crazy beautiful girl you dated who slashed your tires, but you still gave her a second, third, fourth chance. If I fail in this resolution, I will have a new fur coat for the winter.

STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE

Probability of this happening: 33%

I was brought up in a house where, if you didn’t yell at top volume, no one would listen. It’s an Italian thing – or an indication of severe disfunction. I have continued this habit and my house sounds like feeding time in the lion cage. I must get better at this. I will get better at this because as the father, the rest of the lunatics look up to me. This starts now. Wait.

“MICHAEL GET THE GODDAMN EMPTY 12 PACK BOX OFF OF YOUR BROTHER’S FUCKING HEAD. DOES NO ONE HEAR ME IN THIS FUCKING PLACE!”

BEING NICE TO PEOPLE

Probability of this happening: -333%

I hate about 98% of the people I meet. They hate me in return. Okay, I’m an asshole, but you may not know this, I’m perfect. Seriously, there are so many fucking imbeciles in this world who want to push their agenda in your face it’s pathetic. I don’t care about your “struggles” because they’re laughable. Plus, my struggles are authentic and WAY more important. Cram them right the fuck up your ass.

NOT ARGUING WITH MRS. FOZZ

Probability of this happening: 78%

I love this woman. I truly do. Our problem is that we are strong willed people, and neither of us wants to back down. I told you all that our counselor said that I want to be “The last angry man standing.” This is not a healthy way to live your life. I admit that and to be honest I work on it every single day. Still, it’s a nasty habit and I promise to just shut my fucking mouth and say, “Okay, that’s a great idea.” Then I’ll go downstairs and slam my head into the pinball machine.

OTHER RESOLUTIONS THAT HAVE NO CHANCE OF LASTING:

• Accepting millennials and their “culture”
• Liking the Browns or anything to do with them (Eat flaming shit, Browns fans.)
• Forgiving my last boss.
• Accepting the views of my in-laws
• Saying “no” to clients. I can’t, I have to provide for my family. This means taking on projects that are doomed to fail.
• Cleaning my car. I’d rather spend the day wearing a crown of thorns dipped in carbolic acid.

Good luck to all of you with your resolutions.

I already hate 2022.