Whelp, here we are: the long, slow march between New Years and Valentine’s Day. Nothing good happens here, save (hopefully) some good NFL Playoff Football. If time is a map, this is the big blank spot in the middle. Only instead of that meaning “unexplored”, it’s a literal representation of the landscape.
For those people who suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder, this is where it really starts to really take hold. For us Professional Depressives, every day is a contest to see whether our moods are bleaker than the forecast. To quote St. Lewis the Black:
[T]he weather is gray, rainy, gray, sleet, snow, gray; every day it just gets grayer and grayer and grayer! You wake up one day and you go ‘I’m not coming into work today!’ Your boss goes, ‘Why not? You sick?’ ‘No! Its too gray!’ Then you wake up and its the grayest day you’ve ever seen! And the next day it’s even grayer! And that’s usually Valentine’s Day.
Even MLK Day is kind of a bummer, since 1. it’s largely been reduced to mouthing empty platitudes for mainstream White America, 2. Madison Cawthorn or one of his tribe will say something idiotic like “MLK would be horrified by mask mandates and the John Lewis Voting Rights Act” and 3. you can’t really think about it without the assassination part. I’m legitimately shocked that some grandstanding governor cockweasel hasn’t tried to rename it “Robert E. Lee White Pride Day”.
What’s that, Wikipedia? Alabama and Mississippi call it “Robert E. Lee/Martin Luther King Birthday”?
Well shit.
NFL News:
*Slow day overall. Michael Gallup is indeed out for the year with a torn ACL. Ben Roethlisberger has likely HARFED his last HARF in Pittsburgh. Kirk Cousins remains a twatburger. No real surprises.
*Minor CRIMEBEAT! Action: Titans linebacker Bud Dupree was charged with assault for fucking up a Walgreens employee. No, he was not searching for home COVID tests. Apparently the employee was filming Dupree, and he did not appreciate that. Feel free to speculate in the comments on what sort of medication pickup Dupree might not have wanted filmed. I’m going with anal wart cream.
*Baker Mayfield is finally getting shoulder surgery, about 3 months too late.
*WFT has announced an announcement! After not-quite-two years of being The Washington Football Team, they will announce their new name (which will not be Wolves) and logo. The remaining candidates are: Armada, Presidents, Brigade, Red Hogs, Commanders, Defenders and Football Team. Undeniably, every one of these sucks. Like, Arena League 2 level shit. I am literally having trouble choosing the worst.
1. Presidents? Neither fun, cool or intimidating.
2. The average WFT fan doesn’t know what an “armada” or a “brigade” are.
3. Defenders…what? Are they going for a double act with the Cleveland Guardians of the Galaxy?
4. Red Hogs? I appreciate a sly social commentary on pork-barrel spending as much as the next average American, but for football?
5. I pledge to you now- if they become the Commanders, every single post I write mentioning them will have the following video or a gif equivalent:
Now, the best one for our comedic purposes is likely Football Team. It preserves our WFT WTF dynamic, and there’s something beautiful about an NFL franchise holding a big press conference to announce its new name is…it’s current name! Like a giant gender-reveal stunt where the fireworks are green and just spell out “IT’S A BABY!”
Then a deadly fire ensues. Yeah, totally on-brand for WFT. How are those safety railing renovations coming along, by the way?
Oh fuck… I just screwed up a 69 comments count. Oh well it’s not like it was on Sexy Friday… but still… my bad.
We’ll forgive you….for more of that cheese you mailed.
Let’s go 169!
Extra Nice!
So…a regular 69 but with a witness?
My vote = Red Hogs… c’mon… do this Dan…
Tell me you’ve never been to Southie without saying you’ve never been to Southie:
https://twitter.com/awfulannouncing/status/1478565367446315008
OW-AH ACCENTS AH STRONG-AH THAN YOU-AH ACCENTS!
Stop the presses:
Narrator: She Didn’t
Mass hysteria!
So why is Georgia favored by 3?
I’ve been baffled by this since the line first opened.
Something’s funky.
I guess Georgia was favored by more in the SEC Championship, so the “correction” only goes so far? But I truly believe Bama passed the eyeball test and has a MUCH better set of offensive skill players.
Please bet all you can on the Bama money line.
This sounds like a trap. But I’m totally in.
Depends on whose money
Herschel Walker?
In happy news, they finished tensioning the sunshield layers of the James Webb telescope today. This was a butt-clenching moment for a lot of people so it’s nice that things went smoothly.
So, funny story about the Webb. I was in Santa Cruz the other day, on the pier, and there was a member of the Santa Cruz Astronomy Society there who asked if we wanted to see Saturn through his awesome rigged up telescope and obviously yes. So we did, but then among the other people who he asked if they wanted to see Saturn was a dude who has been working on the Webb since 1996 as a certified in all sorts of ways precision machine dude/engineer for Northrup. I got to hear all sorts of really entertaining bitching about how all SORTS of things were fucked up. It was lovely.
By “the other day” I mean specifically 2 days ago. I also learned all about how none of the older, experienced dudes want to go to French Guiana cause it is tiny and there’s no hotels
Experiencing TRUE nerds is fun sometimes.
This was old school. Only blemish was the bitching about diversity. Really enjoyed the bits about how he couldn’t give Lockheed shit though. “Didn’t you guys lose the Mars orbiter cause of metric?” but they complained and I was told not to mention it again.
“Didn’t you severely damage a satellite by dropping it?” and they complained and he was told not to mention it again
I actually want to hire someone with a telescope like that to come host an evening of stargazing if we’re ever invited back to Montecito after what our dog did to their rug.
Totally outdoors, so no rugs!
Dammit, it tied the room togeth-
/gets beaten up by Caption Obvious
I went camping one time with my buddy Phil (I think you met him once) at Joshua Tree and he brought his big ass telescope. We stayed up super late so we could get the best views.
It was pretty awesome but it was also fucking cold and, well, you guys know me, so I went to sleep fairly quickly after gazing at the stars for a bit.
We did an “astronomical tour” in the Atacama and it was SUPER cold.
Will I actually go back from my planned funemployment? Really tempted to say fuck it all
Dont do it. Live all of our dreams!
The WFT making the announcement after the railing collapse and fans claiming they weren’t offered medical assistance is:
A) Sus
B) On point
C) Yes.
What do expect from the Danny Chancres?
Oh this is absolutely in his wheelhouse. Especially since they didn’t have another number to hastily retire.
I just saw a rumor that it’s actually going to be the Washington Groundhogs which would be no less atrocious than all the other options.
They should move to Punxatawney. That would be fitting punishment for Danny Boy.
Btw are we getting a 25 questions about the PBR tweet about eating ass instead of doing dry January? Or is it self explanatory?
Was that real? Because whether you’re having PBR or eating ass, you’re eating ass.
I think there are some quite hefty warnings around drinking ass
Those warnings were definitely not printed in German.
It absolutely was.
https://adage.com/article/marketing-news-strategy/pabst-says-x-rated-tweets-came-employee/2390761
Who around here jokes about analingus?
Seems like a quiet night around here. Per Rev’s lead in here, just a reminder that if you’re battling depression or feeling / thinking things that you’re overwhelmed by or afraid to talk about, the DFO clubhouse is here for you. We may not put pants on for you, but we’ll put on our listening ears.
Seriously, though, rant here or DM any of us if you need someone to talk to. It’s totally normal to feel down, sometimes REALLY down, and there’s no judgment if you need to vent/talk/cry/bleat/kvetch to an internet stranger.
Not to be contrarian, but I actually am very optimistic about 2022. I hope I maintain this attitude throughout the year!
All that lotto talk earlier just made me depressed I haven’t won the lotto.
There’s a song by the band The Gonads about the lottery, but I can’t fucking link it because it’s apparently no longer findable by search. I assume the googles have more of an interest in reproductive videos and gambling videos rather than 20 year old videos of british oi bands
Control the state and AKTUALLY IT’S A TRILLBY
Conspiracy No. 2: Dan Snyder’s blackmail vault makes Edgar Hoover’s look like a scrapbook. No other way he’s still involved in the NFL’s DC interest.
Found a funny;
My descendants after generations of eating Pringles
The owner:
Bucs haven’t released AB ‘cause his outburst was a Kroenke plot to get him to RAMMITTT! I bet OBJ could be the Ying to AB’s YEEEEEEEENG.
I am currently watching NC State play basketball. Because I hate myself, you see.
Every sort of season/weather depresses me, except for the 3-4 really nice Spring and Fall days.
Random Jeopardy Contestant: I’ll take “Colors in Sports” for $2000, QAaron
QAaron: “And the next day it’s even grayer!”
Random Jeopardy Contestant: “Who are the Winnipeg Blue Bombers the day after winning the Grey Cup?”
QAaron: Sorry, that was grayer not greyer — we were looking for ESPN talking heads still fellating the Ben after his last home game.
If they draft Pickett to replace Herr Greypenis, I’mma call him The Ken
I don’t care why/how holiday, I care no work.
Also, unless the Football Team remains the Football Team, whatever miniscule shreds of allegiance I have left will get dumped into the closest Superfund site. All of those names are fuckin’ awful, and the fact that they aren’t even considering the Red Tails is a travesty. I deem the unofficial team nickname the Snyder Syphilitic Chancres and leave it at that. There will be no RFK 2 in DC, and I sure as hell hope MD has better sense than to give them a new stadium. Banish those fucks to Woodbridge, VA or some shit.
Whoever came up with the list of WFT new name finalist should be fired.
Out of a cannon.
Into a brick wall.
Only three feet away.
From the cannon.
On the Sun.
The Jay and Silent Bob bit should be aired in lieu of WFT football generally
I’ll take the unnecessary sequel over watching WFT.
.
Going into collective bargaining later this month. Rumour has it that employees want the right to collect enough sea shells so that they can be helicoptered off “Completely Consensual Sex Island Sponsored by Jeffrey Epstein LLC”. How do you even begin to negotiate with people that won’t even acknowledge that they’re sex-starved? smgdh…
They should call themselves the Washington Legos because apparently that’s what their stadium is made out of:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6UdjxWWyUQ
I don’t know. LEGOs would hold up stronger than that railing.
Assuming that’s true, I can’t say I blame Dupree too much. But he should have made lemonade out of that situation by heading over to the condom display, picking out a thirty pack of Magnum condoms, and then bringing them over to the register to ask if they had anything bigger available.
Sadly, they don’t.
I’m disappointed he didn’t yell “HIPPA VIOLATION” while mooning the camera
HIPAA. HIPAA scares me, and should scare you!
$10K/violation. I try to stay away from PHI, but sometimes it can’t be helped. If one of our customers wants to send us live data, we have to fill out a shit-ton of paperwork, make sure it’s never at rest except when it’s on a machine personally blessed by the pope, &c. If we accidentally get live data, we fill out a different pile of paperwork, plus we have to were a medieval-style hair shirt for a month, whether or not it was our fault.
Not specifically HIPAA, but as a data scientist, there is all sorts of shit about data regulation that scares the shit out of me. It’s all ass backward and fails at what it tries to do.
I heard a rumor that they have Monster condoms, for one’s magnum dong.
And people thought Oakland stadium was bad and there was a literal river of raw sewage going through it.
The Oakland Coliseum *is* bad! It’s just that FedEx field is even worse.
Oakland Coliseum is over 55 years old and FedEx is only 25 years old so why is FedEx in such worse condition besides Dan Snyder is a cheap miser that doesn’t maintain his stadium?
Yes.
I will take “Things that are obviously true” for $1000, Ghost Alex
This just popped up as a new comment — I swear I was not trying to steal your Jeopardy joke thunder!