Yes, Mr. Potamus gets bumped this week.  Because 2021 season playoff history will be HER-story too!

Damn, was that ever some valiant shit, or what?  The Tomsulas were deader than ded.  Like, bottom of the ocean with cement shoes dead.  17-nil down, on the road (to a team with plenty to play for), and they barely had any offense in the first 28 minutes of play.  Out of seemingly nowhere, they got into Robbie Gould range on the last play of the half.  Gould – another heroic figure (forced into emergency punting duties, which he handled superbly) – made it.  Still, 17-3 at the half, who cares?

RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! went to sleep.  The common critique of OKC Bomber and his merry crew is that they are soft.  They don’t keep their boot on the throat.  Sometimes, they barely show up at all.  And that fat fuck playing QB might be an improvement over Baby Buster, but he ain’t no panacea.  The Gospel According To Fatthew played out in the 2nd half, and Santa Clara tied things up going into Q4.

But DFO Finance Specialist Jalen Ramsey made one hell of a pickerception, and the ensuing TD drive put LA into pole position.  They even forced 4th and 18 at the 2-minute warning, meaning Santa Clara had to punt, hold LA to a 3 and out, use all their timeouts, and drive the length of the field in like 90 seconds.

They did it in 61.  Fatthew could not respond, and OT beckoned.

Now, by this point – New Orleans had beaten Atlanta (30-20, if interested), and the Qards were behind two scores late, home to the ded Truthers.  Tomsulas absolutely needed a result to make the playoffs (but a Draw would suffice, though the announcers went out of their way not to mention same).  RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! knew they had the division, at least.  Did that have an impact?  No, I think LA just continued to crumble, having lost their edge before halftime.  They bickered with one another on the pitch, and allowed first down after first down.  Eventually, they got stopped inside the 5 and had to kick a FG.  But only 2 minutes and change remained, for Fatthew to at least salvage the 3 seed with a Draw.  But he kept wheezing and sucking, tossing a pick to end the proceedings.  27-24, well fucking done.

Arizona would go on to lose at home, 38-30.  I can’t figure these guys out, or how a Chandler Jones-led defense gets lit up by a bad offense like that.  Still, they get the 5 seed and a third matchup with LA.  In LA, but it’s hardly a long trip or a hostile environment.  Not much of a punishment for shitting their dick at home with the division on the line.

Noo Yawk hung around with Buffalo for quite awhile.  Gave up 10 quick points, but locked down on Brokeback after that, pulling all the way back to a 13-10 deficit (after a Keystone Kops punt routine).  Bills got two late scores, though – and pulled away 27-10.  Meh.

That meant that the P*ts/LOLfins didn’t much matter, which is good because New England played like it didn’t matter – until it was too late.  Miami led 17-nil and 27-10, before two scores in the final 7 minutes cut the margin to 3.  But NE only got the ball back with 3 seconds left, on their own 2.  Their “rooskie” play ended in a Miami TD, for a 33-24 final.

DonT’s magnificent Tits needed to win in Houston to secure the #1 seed.  They raced out to a 21-zip lead, and just missed on a sure TD bomb to Julio Jones.  Seemingly no big deal, but the 500s rallied, scoring 18 straight to get within 3.  Tanny Fanny led a nice response TD drive, HOU answered again.  28-25 would be the final, though.  These guys always do JUST enough to get the win.  But winning is ultimately the point.  Don’t assume they’ll be an easy out for their flashier January foes.  But it also bears mentioning that the best rookie QB is NOT The Legend of White Mac – it’s Stanford grad/future CPA Davis Mills.  He’s been really good the back half of the season.

Indy needed only to beat the Very Sad Jaguras to make the playoffs.  Dakota Jeebus…came up remarkably small, even by his doofus standards.  Until garbage time, the Humps managed THREE points.  That’s right, THREE.  Prison Girlfriend had his coming out party, going over 200 yards in the first half alone, and keeping drives alive all game.  26-3 before a garbage 8 for the final score, followed by onside kick recovery.  Solid work, and they still get the first overall pick.  Indy, however, ends up with fuck-shit.  No playoffs, no first round pick (it’s Philly’s in exchange for that garbage barge of a QB).  Pretty amazing freefall, only needing to beat Vegas at home or the worst team in the League to make the playoffs…and failing spectactularly.

That #1 stays with JAX because Detroit rallied late to beat Green Bay, 37-30.  Packers had already clinched the 1 seed/bye, but played Q-aaron for a half anyway.  Dan Campbell’s team kept fighting all season long, so good for them ending with a home win.

Perhaps the only other consequential game was PIT/BAL, and it was as terrible a game as the local weather implied.  Ratbirds led 10-6 late, in the red zone – but Tyler Huntley got picked in the end zone.  Huntley had a REALLY bad day.  The Ben did his usual assortment of bumpoffs, but strung enough of them together to finally get in the end zone.  Not easy to throw with all the sportsball media sucking you off like that.  Balmer managed a tying FG, and we headed to OT.  I was very much rooting for the draw, like any decent person.  It would knock both teams out!  Who wouldn’t enjoy that??  Plus, PIT would have finished 8-7-2!  But we can’t have nice things.  Yinzers win, 16-13.  Blech.

That win gets The Ben a trip to Kansas City for another ass-whipping – so long as Vegas and SD didn’t DRAW.  And why wouldn’t they?  Take the point, both make the playoffs.  But again – NO NICE THINGS.  The Clips kind of forget they had to play Week 18, Vegas kicked their teeth in.  Actually, that’s not really true.  I just mentally checked out once my nil-nil vision fell apart.  Vegas won, though, 35-32 on a Scorinami-ruinous 47-yard FG as time expired in OT.  Buh-bye, Clips.

Charlotte’s finest laid down for MRSA, as expected.  They left MRSA Dreamboat in to break records, because he’s such a selfless leader.  Get fucked, assholes.

Captain Dingleberry got his perfect situation – playing at home, with absolutely no stakes.  Vikes beat Bearistocrats, 31-17, with Patrick Peterson pick six accounting for the final Q4 points.  Matt Nagy will surely be fired this morning, and likely Zimmer close behind.

Team beat the Jake Fromm Giants 22-7.  Fromm DID manage a TD pass late, to match the one he threw to Washington.  Somehow, he managed to be even worse than Week 17 Glennon, who somehow managed to be even worse than Week 16 Fromm.  Just madness.  Joe Judge was apparently trying to get fired, running a QB sneak – out of goal-line formation, no less – on 3rd and 9 from the 5.  IN THE FIRST HALF.  The locals?  Not so pleased.  This franchise would have re-located by now, if not NY-based.  What a shitshow.

How could I almost forget the Battle FOAR Ohio?  #ThePauls got the season sweep, beating the WKRP practice squad, 21-16.  Nobody fucking cared.

So…that’s a wrap.  Here are your overstuffed Wild Card, Bitches! matchups:

Raiders (+6.5) at Bengals (4:30 Sat, NBC)

WKRP relegated to the old “Insert Texans game here” slot?  That seems a bit harsh.  Could be a good matchup, even.

P*triots (+4.5) at Bills (8:15 Sat, NBC)

God, this shit again.  The MNF “no passing” game was kind of cute, in its own horrific way, but the second matchup was dreadful.  Grumblelord won’t like the MILF selection, neither.  But hey, the shirtless supporters might die in that weather at night.  So there’s ONE positive.

Iggles (+9) at Bucs (1:00 Sun, Fox)

Fox apprently only gets one game, so it’s Troy and Joe deep-throating MRSA Dreamboat.  Thanks, but I’ll pass (unlike Philly).

Tomsulas (+3) at Non-Gendered Cowpersons (4:30 Sun, CBS)

Now, THIS is a proper FITBAW matchup.  Which means it will surely be unwatchable dreck.  Because we can’t have nice things, PAY ATTENTION WILL YA?

Stillers (+12.5) at Chefs (8:15 Sun, NBC)

Remember when we played this exact scenario out a few weeks ago, and it took like 10 minutes for Mahomes to go ahead 30-nil?  Yeah, I am staying up to the end of THAT.  Plus, a late Sunday game instead of adding an early Saturday afternoon?  Odd choice.

Qards (+4.5) at RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! (8:15, ABC/ESPN)

Good Christ, we can’t even get a 7:30 kickoff?  FUCK YOU.  Whoever shoots themselves in the dick most and/or last will lose, the other gets killed by Q-aaron.  There will be chcklefuckery, promise.