Yup, we’re starting out with a Sweet Brown reference.

Welcome back to the BattleBots Beat! As far as BattleBots review columns go. I remain your friendly neighborhood Senor Weaselo, apparently chief correspondent on all non-human competitions—this, the Marble League Rolldown, McNally McMonster hunting seasons, and the like.

(We’ll see if the Rolldown returns for ML ’22… after I actually fucking write the MarbleCon Boots on the Ground. Which was in the beginning of December. Right now, signs point to a hard “I’ll see what I’m doing then.” Marble Mania X will get a brief rundown at the beginning of said hypothetical Rolldown, but feel free to watch it! There are new teams! We thought the Yarble Yellers were returning!)

Anyway, we have eight fights to go through, and a lot of fire to traverse through. How much fire? Yes. That much. Onto the fights!

SawBlaze vs. Minotaur
Once again, SawBlaze gets the first televised fight of the season. That would be the third season in a row for the Cambridge-based bot, after beating Rotator in the Season 4 opener and Whiplash last season. SawBlaze made the rare air of the quarterfinals and the season finale for the second year in a row, plus avenging a loss to Witch Doctor in the process. They’re in the neighborhood of Giant Nut glory, and for Jamison Go the goal for this year was dealing with durability. Part of that is stiffening up the saw arm, but part of that is different fork configurations, including shortening up its middle fork for some fights, since if it gets bent it ends up working against its purpose. The middle fork for this fight existed, but it was a short fork probably used for defense rather than offense, by my guess.

Talk about an opening stress test then, as they get the Brazilian bull Minotaur. After being unable to make Season 5 (obvious enough reasons), the two-time semifinalist and one-time runner-up returns, minus one major component. Marco Meggiolaro, the godfather of Brazilian robotics and a guy who literally wrote the book on it, did not make the trip to Las Vegas. Junior De Souza fills the role of acting captain. All-world driver Daniel Freitas is back behind the sticks, so Minotaur’s two big weapons are available. And also some new sponsor stickers! (They’re pretty noticeable. Like on the drum.)

SawBlaze came in with a box rush as expected, but hit a seam and Minotaur got a shot to the side, sending SawBlaze somersaulting. SawBlaze was unfazed and got a scoop in, flipping Minotaur over as it looked like the mighty drum had stopped. Thanks to that, SawBlaze dropped the hammer saw on the one spot Minotaur was less protected, the underbelly, and caught something. Probably a battery, because Minotaur was engulfed in flames. And for an added bonus, SawBlaze pushed Minotaur to and then from the brand-new Upper Deck. Impressive wheelieing, but not exactly doing wonders for the new hazard if it’s just “a large speed bump.”

Minotaur was still mobile but taking heavy pressure from SawBlaze and the hammer-saw. It looked like the drum was out too, but I thought that too soon as the patented death hum still hummed enough to get them upright. Another strike by SawBlaze (maybe weapon to weapon) actually snapped their own weapon chain, turning the hammer saw into just a hammer, but they were still controlling the fight and taking Minotaur to the pulverizer. It doesn’t do a ton of damage these days, but it still works as a pin to continue that control. They seemed stuck, fork to bot, but a push to the screws in front of the Upper Deck freed Minotaur. Which, somehow, stayed alive, and despite being on fire from the first 30 seconds of the fight, made the buzzer as this went to the judges.

Granted, it was a simple decision. SawBlaze by unanimous decision (I had it 10-1 SawBlaze, with the one damage point being from the loss of weapon chain), and another opening fight victory.

Uppercut vs. Gigabyte
Two big-hitting bots that made the top 16 return. The youngest of the three MIT-based teams (Overhaul returns to round out the set), Uppercut might have had the single hit of the year and the toughest luck honorable mention we may have had for the Most Damage category. They caused an explosion and still didn’t win that Bolt? Tough league.

Gigabyte managed to throw its shell in the ring for “most successful televised full-body spinner in BattleBots.” I think in its Megabyte outfit (or its Super Megabyte outfit) the bot might have had more luck in a BattleBots competition, but it looks like that was the post-Comedy Central non-BattleBots era. So its top-16’ll have to. For now. Also at this time, we have confirmation that Matt Maxham will not be working on Gigabyte, but will be driving Cobalt, which as I mentioned will be run by Robotic Death Company at least this year since Team Carbide have retired from combat. Gigabyte also comes in with new minibots and a slightly modified shell. There’s a little more of a perpendicular base before it tapers.

Uppercut is one of the few spinners that can also kinda box rush. Their spin-up time is insane (I think last year it was around 1.5 seconds), so they can be pretty much fully spun up while box rushing. This first attack sent Gigabyte spinning where it was corralled between the corner and the Upper Deck.

That’s going to prove dangerous for horizontal and full-body spinners and inadvertently further propagate the vertical meta, isn’t it.

Meanwhile, the two exchanged weapon to weapon shots in that corner, as Uppercut got flipped and had to pop back up. Strangely Gigabyte didn’t use the chance to get out of the corner or even turn the tables on Uppercut, instead trying to go nose to nose with the powerful vert.

It didn’t work as Uppercut flipped Gigabyte, which fortunately was able to re-right with its counterspin. Then they got popped and flipped a second time, and this time that was it. (According to RDC shell shrapnel cut the wires and that killed the power, but even so, the srimech pipe was damaged too from Uppercut’s assault, so I don’t know if it would’ve gotten up regardless.)

Last year’s knockout artist went back to its old ways, as Uppercut wins by KO in an action-packed 1:08.

Switchback vs. Gruff
One of my rookies to watch out for, Switchback’s idea is an interesting: “What if we took the heaviest weapon we’re allowed, set it to the fastest tip speed allowed, and put it on an articulating arm?” I mean, basic kinematics says that’s a pretty good idea. So that, combined with a rookie team getting a segment, sounds like a good omen to the team from Dallas, because everybody knows that teams with focus and segments probably’ll be good! Or a fan favorite, in Rusty’s case.

Gruff had a weird year in 2020. The normally stalwart bot suffered from drivetrain issues throughout, probably shown most by the fight against Extinguisher. Gruff had that fight won, and a 2-1 record gets them an okay seed. Maybe not a top-16, but probably avoiding a top-8 seed in the first round. And then the bot dies and is counted out with 5 seconds left on the clock and they got Bloodsport instead. Yes, they fought the second seed tough and losing in a judges’ decision is no small feat, but there’s a bit of what could have been.

Gruff didn’t go for the rush, instead playing more to the side and almost getting under Switchback from the get-go. You could see that rookie jitters in the driving as Gruff outflanked Switchback. But the rookie got a hit in towards the side to do some damage to Gruff. But G responded with a push pulverizer, keeping Switchback on the wall. They had to release and Switchback could finally get that articulated drum up to speed, but they bounced off Gruff… and flipped themselves over. Gruff got to use the flamethrower while Switchback struggled to get back up. Apparently for all the arm can do, whether because it was bent or too heavy or too slow, it couldn’t self-right. I’m just gonna slightly walk back the rookie hype.

Gruff wins by KO in 1:56.

Captain Shrederator vs. Tombstone
Let’s send out two big horizontal spinners to test out the new geometry of the Box! And I mean test out, this was apparently the first fight of the season filmed.

Especially Shrederator testing out that geometry, where it’s had problems when pinballing around. Will the reliability issues finally get fixed after all this time? They added a redundant weapon motor, so that’s certainly a start. But out of all things, how did it take Brian Nave that long to do that? That seems pretty high priority when you’re allowed basically half the weight of your bot in the shell, so if it’s not spinning you’re basically fucked. (As seen all the times it’s stopped spinning.)

Tombstone had an up-and-down year in 2020. So resident former villain Ray Billings redesigned the robot top to bottom to take impacts better, including its own. Hey, top-16 and one of two bounty bots to successfully defend is an up-and-down year? A lot of bots and a lot of teams would take that. And it has speed holes, they make the killing faster. The worry? Too many upgrades too suddenly.

Both bots spun up and met in the center of the arena, with sparks flying as the weapons converged. And Tombstone was… drifting? A piece of something, possibly a tooth, went from somewhere from that impact and I’m guessing it was Tombstone’s bar, not Shrederator’s shell. That drifting, and then that shaking, meant Tombstone was off-balance. We’ve seen what happens when Tombstone is off-balance like that. And on cue, there was a great fire, as both bots stopped spinning. Tombstone’s made sense, but was Shrederator moving at all? With that kind of break, would

Well, yes, it seemed to take awhile. Meanwhile, there was more fire as Tombstone did its best… I don’t know what impression I’m going with. Eventually the fire became too much, as Tombstone stopped moving.

It’s another rough start to the season for Tombstone, as Captain Shrederator wins by KO in 2:02, in an immediate Upset of the Year candidate. They finally get a big win, and in hindsight… Tombstone has problems against wedges, and Captain Shrederator is just a big circular wedge. I guess Brian Nave was right in terms of Tombstone being scissors but them being rock.

Cue the “Tombstone isn’t top tier anymore” debates! But my wondering is would it be a metallurgy thing? Would a slightly softer metal be better? After all with the exception of Bite Force and End Game Tombstone’s greatest enemy is itself. Especially when Ray opts for the toothed bar. Would the solid bar be a more stable choice? These are the questions better builders than I ask themselves. Because I have zero idea.

Free Shipping vs. Blacksmith
We’ve had a lot of fire so far, with two of the biggest names on the card being on what can be described as a lot of fire. Now, here’s more fire! Now with two returning bots!

First up, Gary Gin and Original Sin. At some point Free Shipping’ll act like Original Sin. And then Gary Gin will win all the Giant Nuts. Alternately I would allow only Original Sin to compete sans weapon, but at 220 (remember, BattleBots heavyweights are at 250). Except that would be too strong, BattleBots pls nerf. The “legally has to be there” lifter and flamethrower actually hampers the robot as excess stuff on top of Original Sin. We all know that. It’s not a secret. Original Sin’s the winningest heavyweight in history, why mess with it otherwise?

You can’t mention Blacksmith without mentioning that Blacksmith vs. Minotaur remains the most-watched BattleBots video of all time. Way to cancel it, ABC. But that’s Discovery’s gain and we’re thankful for it. At least three more years! You also have to mention that Al Kindle is the biggest curmudgeon in BattleBots, in part because of all the split decisions and close decisions that Blacksmith has lost. With is why the Big Time Hammer©®™ is no more, replaced with the Power Hammer. We have another hammer saw joining SawBlaze and Skorpios.

Free Shipping came in with the rush and yes, B has fire with its power hammer. Well that is a relief. They also have knockout power, and they kept coming as the aggressor even while Free Shipping went into its madman mode, especially with its own flamethrower.

By the way, those gray lines also on the Box floor mark “no-flame zones.” Basically, if you’re too close to the wall you risk melting the Lexan. Obviously melting the thing that keeps you safe is bad. This is widely considered Gary Gin’s fault for that time Free Shipping let out a victory flame belch. Towards the ceiling. They were really not happy about that.

Free Shipping actually got a flip in on Blacksmith, but the hammer was able to self-right. Blacksmith kept attacking, but then Free Shipping responded with another flip as the two went back and forth. Another hammer shot took Free Shipping to the rail, as the hammer worked away and did damage Free Shipping’s wedges. And the lifter looked bent, and a chain was broken, so it was out of commission. But Free Shipping still had the all-important ground game and kept pushing, as Blacksmith was faintly smoking the last minute or so. I think it was the spinner part of the power hammer, as it went to the judges. “Oh good,” said Al Kindle, probably.

Damage: 3-2 Blacksmith—I think the smoke was that loss of spin on Blacksmith’s power hammer, and that is visible damage.

Control: 2-1 Free Shipping—Close throughout, can go either way

Aggression: 2-1 Blacksmith—A little more clearly to Blacksmith than control

So I have it 6-5 Blacksmith, but I smell a split decision.

I was wrong… no split decision, it’s Blacksmith by unanimous decision. It’s a miracle! Blacksmith wins a judges’ decision! (And we can see that all three judges had it 6-5 because they actually showed the cards! Another glorious miracle!)

Pain Train vs. Deep Six
Yes, Deep Six is back. The bot that caused a rule change about how heavy your weapon can be. They had to lighten the weapon by 40 lbs. in order to compete. Yes, we’re aware of the insanity. BattleBots would like to not have to replace the floor after two years when the original lasted 20.

Meanwhile, Staten Island’s own Pain Train returns, with good news. Their beetleweight, Shreddit Bro, is ranked #1 in NHRL (Norwalk Havoc Robot League, which I will go to at some point). (Jamison Go’s Hall of Famer Silent Spring now sits 2nd.) So we’ll see if the heavyweight can do the types of things little brother can.

Pain Train came in with the box rush because you have to respect Deep Six. Except Pain Train was busy spinning out. I’m guessing traction issues? Meanwhile, Deep Six was gyrating and gyroing on the precipice of instability. But also doing damage to Pain Train which was already losing pieces of tire, which is definitely not going to help traction issues.

Deep Six fell on its back, but got up. That’s another big win—it didn’t dig into the floor and pull a Drizzle. But with a spinning out Pain Train, Deep Six could take its time, line up a shot, and take the entire top off of Pain Train. The top plate hit the ceiling and landed right next to the rest of the robot for a split second before the rest of Pain Train was hit into the screws, which disemboweled and set the batteries on fire. Because goddammit, MORE FIRE!

Deep Six wins by KO in 1:18. And it looks like it works now and won’t immediately implode! Even if Pain Train was mostly a sitting target and I’d like to see it against something that can actually move laterally before we anoint it.

YouTube Exclusive!
Deadlift vs. Jackpot
We didn’t see Deadlift compete in the main tournament, but they did! Obviously not that well, but they did go 1-1. They put up a better showing in the bounties, actually competing in two. For this fight they just have the lifter, not the muscle-armed clamp. Jackpot of course surprised everyone by going 3-0, but then fell over against Rotator after removing their srimech for armor.

These two fought in the Tombstone bounty last year, and in an upset, Deadlift won by KO, flipping JackPot which had the srimech on but couldn’t self-right.

What’s new? Hopefully a beefier Deadlift, and a sleeker Jackpot. Thanks to the redistribution of weight Jason Woods (Tracer) joined up with Jeff Waters and Vegas Combat Robotics, and last year’s minibot of the year Needler has been rechristened The Ace to fit with JackPot’s scheme.

So, I could recap the fight. Or… since it’s on the BattleBots YouTube page and not some other not-BattleBots page, I could just link to the fight because it’s all legit.

Deadlift was saved by the bell in this one, as I have it 4-1, 2-1, and 2-1. Jackpot wins by unanimous decision and gets revenge for the Tombstone bounty.

MAIN EVENT
Hydra vs. End Game
We get for Episode 1, last year’s #1 seed vs. last year’s #1 finisher.

For Hydra, there is one other bot that has competed in 2 or more Fight Night formats and has gone undefeated in both. That’s Bite Force. Pretty elite company. Jake Ewert might be the current BattleBots heel, and that hasn’t gone unnoticed. Former resident heel Ray Billings took note and made Jake this out of old Tombstone bar in recognition of the achievement, with the addendum that Jake does the same for the next one, and so on and so forth.

For End Game, it was obviously a banner year, becoming the first team outside North America to win a Giant Nut, and first international heavyweight champion. Now they’re definitely not going to surprise anyone. They know the goal and built accordingly. They have eight weapons, one for each fight. That tells you they have every intention of repeating.

They also have almost comically long forks. It’s the logical conclusion from last year’s ever-escalating fork war. Apparently they also bolt together, just in case. They thought they’d need them against Hydra and the Jake Ewert School of Contraptions. Not so in this case, Hydra actually just had its regular kit. No crazy forks here.

Surprisingly there was no box rush by Hydra. Not that it would have mattered, because it’s not a Hydra fight until the super-low wedge hits either a seam or a killsaw port (this case the latter). Hydra still got the first hit, a big flip, but End Game landed right side up. Hydra didn’t get a chance to test out that End Game srimech.

And worse, Hydra’s flipper was stuck in the up position, which meant End Game could get in and attack without much trepidation, though it was losing one the outside forks. A pop from End Game into the corner and a smoking Hydra meant that the defending champs kept their winning ways and Hydra’s preseason streak was no more. But no fire.

End Game wins by KO in 1:36, though they wish that Hydra was a bit more functional for the fight. (In Jake Ewert’s post-fight writeup, it was the speed controllers burning out, first controlling the pump, then the drive. They were the same ones Fusion used last year, and they worked just as well as Fusion’s last year.)

That does it for this week. Next week’s fight card:

–Yeti returns to take on MadCatter
-Jason Vasquez’s new bot Defender takes on noted frog Ribbot
–HiJinx takes on Mammoth in a battle of tall vs. small
–Kraken vs. Rotator in a battle of bots that just won’t die
–Rusty starts its sophomore campaign against Aren Hill’s new bot Blip
-Surprise semifinalist (and Blip’s big brother) Tantrum takes on Malice
-In the YouTube exclusive, SubZero takes on Shatter!
-In the Main Event, after a battle of #1s we get a battle of #2s as last year’s second seed Bloodsport takes on last year’s runner-up Whiplash

So with that, we’ll see you next week.