Copa América 2019 Team Preview: Rand McNally

Senor Weaselo

Senor Weaselo

Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn’t doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn’t happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
Senor Weaselo

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We’ve got an extra team! It came as a bit of shock when this small country off the coast of South America qualified as a sudden 13th team, but shows how much analysts know! I drew the straw, so I get to uncover the mysteries.

Rand McNally is a country off the Atlantic coast of South America, southeast of Argentina, population of only about 300,000, with a capital city, and really any city of note, of the same name, population about 225,000, located in the McNally Peninsula in the north. The rest of the country’s population is in small towns and villages. Its biggest claim to fame is the surprising symmetry in the land of the country and the aptly named Twin Capes, the southernmost pieces of land in the world outside of Antarctica, in the southeast and southwest (named Cabo Dielo and Cabo Feare).

Being an mostly unknown and therefore to most people immediately deemed “savage” or “primitive” culture, McNallians have customs we would deem odd, like wearing what we would consider hats on their feet. These hats, called, nallies, or náhles in the native tongue—a mixture of Spanish, Portuguese, and Scots—are so important to McNallian customs the name of the nation translates to “land of the nallies” in McNallian. But apart from looking odd they don’t differ too much from shoes in their function, the only difference being that traditional nallies do not offer coverage or protection of the soles of one’s feet, leading to many McNallians, especially in rural areas where the customs remain more steadfast, to have rough, cut up soles. More “modern” nallies, mostly found in the capital, have soles and function like fancier shoes.

As Rand McNally is not the United States, Canada, certain countries in the Caribbean, or some countries in the Pacific, their national sport is soccer. The national team, known as the Náhlehomens, or “Nallymen,” wear the colors of the Rand McNally flag (blue and white, with a compass and two stars at the bottom for the Twin Capes). The compass and two stars is on the team’s crest located on the left side, which for some reason there is no image of at this time. Their first choice is their ocean blues, which is a tame if not dull kit color because as far as blue tops they don’t have the Azzuri‘s history (blue top, white shorts, blue socks, no side stripe, white numbers on both front and back). It’s their second-choice kits that look interesting, as they are white tops and shorts with what can only be described as a blue map grid striping, with vertical and horizontal pinstripes. I think that if they added this to the first unis it could give an interesting look, with a white grid on the blue tops. Again, images would be nice but

This iteration of the Nallymen has a lot of names that you might have heard before, knowing their fathers or their uncles. There’s an Arriaga (his nephew), an Arriagatoo (a cousin), Barriaga Jr. (son of the legendary Barriaga), and a Pizzoza (his great-nephew). Lochlochlóchlan, the goalkeeper, is more than solid in goal, which is big because the defense can be questionable, easily folding under top pressure. And I don’t know how tested they are considering how often they’ve played Anguilla and the Faroe Islands. Their biggest test prior to qualifying were a 6-0 drubbing at the hands of R’lyeh, and they were lucky to escape with even that. They were able to shore it up though with a big 1-0 upset of San Theodoros to clinch their spot, and a 1-1 draw in a friendly with Val Verde.

The other big problem is a recent rash of McNally McMonster attacks. These large hamburger-shaped animals, about 2 feet high and 6 feet in diameter, are known to attack and even consume people, and are rampant throughout the country, outside of the capital. And when players go back to their hometowns they seem to be attacked proportionally more often by the creatures, to the point where the McNallian federation has instructed their players to carry lighters, torches, or anything else with fire. And spatulas, which seem to be the McMonster’s biggest fear.

Due to being a surprise 13th team, they will play one team in each of the three groups—this is still up to determination, and as a result it may be difficult to figure out where they would finish. However I don’t see them taking a win in any of their matches, and might be lucky to take a point. I’m excited to see what this nation can do on the world stage, however!

Shortly after this was written a rash of McNally McMonster attacks incapacitated the starting goalkeeper Lochlochlóchlan, the manager Rollantaldo, and 7 other members of the team. They will all make full recoveries, but as a result Rand McNally will now no longer compete in this iteration of the Copa América. So all that for nothing. As the popular McNallian farewell goes, screw Flanders.

Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
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Horatio Cornblower

My son is now of legal drinking age. Doesn’t like beer but ordered something called a ‘Flowery Hippie’ at dinner last night.

I’ve been making a lot of references to this lately:

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Gratliff
Gratliff

clip grabbed from The House on Harf Harf Hill

Horatio Cornblower

Am I the only one watching the Stanley Cup?

Or is everyone just silent because the Bruins are winning? I would understand that.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I’m watching the #iceBFIB completely blow this.

yeah right

While it’s a ton of work each Sunday to do this thing, good Lord do I ever eat like a king.

Fucking hell these next 2 Sunday Gravy episodes are going to be incredible.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I just got back from a pride party full of hot women and “women” and I felt so fucking old.

yeah right

Welcome to California my friend.

yeah right

One of the most unusual traits of the locals is an uncanny knack for never getting lost.

Great work Mr. Senor.

Sorry for the redundancy.

King Hippo

I haven’t seen JerralWorld this Mexican-y since…

ballsofsteelandfury

The last Cowboys home game?

I’ve been there. It’s pretty Mexican-y

King Hippo

I’m watching en espanol, because reasons.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just came to the pool. I figured the heat and maybe the chlorine, would help disinfect me.
Also, I saw a hot chick down here in one of the chairs before. But now she’s gone. There’s a big fat dude in her chair now. And while he seems nice enough, a big fat dude is not as fun to talk to as a little petite blonde in a bikini.

No offense.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

R’lyeh must be really good at recruiting. Whenever players go there for a match, they never seem to want to leave.

This was masterful, Senor.

Don T

Brilliant

litre_cola

Wow Weaselo you out did yourself. If the scoring is anything like the Womens world Cup I am sure McNally will win.

HOW DOES DON T HAVE SO MANY POINTS? PUERTO RICAN VOODOO???

Don T

[sighs] If only all wordly matters were as easy to understand as women.

King Hippo

Silva faked out the entire stadio! What an assist.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Is there a DFO bar crawl Day Two (without so much crawl)? The sun is mysteriously out again today after five weeks. Here in Playa the middle-aged female flesh is exposed and quivering. If anyone is still alive and wants to hang with BrickMeathook™ just let me know.

/crickets

King Hippo

my casual dress would offend, plus I am like 4,000 miles away

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I meant real people. You’re still invited though.

ballsofsteelandfury

Quivering and exposed middle-aged flesh is right up my alley. Too bad it’s so late in the day…

yeah right

It’s fucking brilliant here in El Segundo but I’m grinding away in the kitchen.

All of this AFTER my morning walk and a trip to RALPH’S!

It’s no damn wonder I get tired as shit on Sunday nights.

King Hippo

Like set piece practice for the Portuguese. But no soccer points as of yet.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Flemish are indeed the worst

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

F1 is a farce. Absolutely inexcusable result today.

ballsofsteelandfury

I love this. Thank you for shedding light on this team!

WCS

The national squad needs to hire these guys I’ve heard of as team security. I think their names something like Sterling Belcher and Bob Archer.

King Hippo

Speaking of fuck you, America – USMNT down 0-3 at home to Venezula. In the first half.

Wakezilla

I’m telling you, the world is going to get drunk off the vino Tinto Esta año

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

USMNT wins through the mysterious explosion of the Venezuela locker room at halftime

King Hippo

NED national anthem – sorry ’bout all that slave trading LOL

Wakezilla

As someone who wants Canada to do well and give Sinclair enough opportunities to get 5 goals, the Dutch terrify me because them girls are tall and they’ve got a couple of really good players on their team.

Canada is in this weird transition where I don’t think we’ll know what he have until the Olympics.

ballsofsteelandfury

Shit. Does that mean my 3-0 prediction for tomorrow’s game against Cameroon should change?

King Hippo

No way, dude. Let all your cray-cray prediciones stand, like Hippo!

Wakezilla

To be fair, I’m pretty sure Qatar bought one of the Rand Macnally’s best player and is in their starting XI for this Copa America.

This was fantastic, comrade!

/Was always nervous of the sharp compass piercing through those two balls.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Rand McNally got some big fuckin tits

King Hippo

this was PERFECION