Editor’s Note: Hello, and welcome to the DFO Guest Lecture Series!  Over the following weeks and months we’ll be welcoming some familiar faces from the NFL to speak to our readers about topics that are near and dear to their hearts.  This week we’re joined by one of the world’s foremost experts in the art of frugality, Mike Brown.  Thanks for joining us!

Hello there!  I’m Mike Brown.  Some of you might remember me as the man who set the Guinness World Record for lowest expenses to income ratio in 1998, and then broke his own record in 2007.  Others might remember me as the author of the financial memoir “I’d Trade It All For A Little More”.  Fans of the National Football League, of course, will know me as the owner of the Cincinnati Bengals.

As those of you who read my book know, I live my life by the two percent principle.  For those who aren’t familiar with the concept, you can learn all about it by purchasing my book – where my royalties will amount to two percent of the list price.  Ha ha!  That’s a little joke; I self-published so I’d be able to keep them all.  Anyhow, for this lecture’s purposes, the simplified version of the two percent principle is that your goal should be to get an extra two percent out of every financial transaction in your life.  If you’re buying something – not recommended, but it happens – make sure to use a credit card that has two percent rewards.  Finishing up a tube of sunscreen? Cut it open and scrape out that last two percent!  The same story goes for toothpaste!  That’s assuming you don’t just save it and spin it down in a centrifuge to re-use it.  My dentist’s objections to this inspired me to shop for a new one – which I found, in a fellow who charges two percent less! Ha ha ha!

Think about how much money the average person spends on living expenses in a year – if you’re like me, the total is probably around twenty thousand dollars, give or take, right?  Two percent of that is four hundred dollars!  That’s four hundred dollars you can sock into a savings account earning *another* two percent.  So it’s more than just money saved, it’s money earned!  Ben Franklin was right!  About everything!  But I’m not here to talk about general principles – I’m here to talk about specifics.  In particular, how to change your dog from a financial liability into an asset.

Dogs are amazing creatures. They joyfully provide us with unconditional love and companionship all for the relative price of pennies per day.  If you’re like me, you’ll find yourself saying “that’s too expensive!”  But I’m here to show you that it’s actually not; that you can own one of these wonderful animals and still end up on the positive side of the ledger.  Here’s my girl, Maisie.

The first thing you’ll notice is that Maisie is a small dog.  Small dogs eat less food.  It takes less shampoo, and less water to wash a smaller dog.  That saves money!  The next thing you’ll notice is that Maisie is a short-haired girl.  Again, less shampoo, less water!  Less time spent grooming.  And by that old familiar equation, this means less money spent grooming.  The third thing you’ll notice is that Maisie is a mutt.  She’s probably half Jack Russell terrier, but that’s not important.  What is important is that you don’t have to shell out hundreds of smackers to a breeder for a beast that’s more inbred than the Hapsburgs.  You can get dogs like Maisie down at the local pound for as little as fifty bucks – and even that’s tax-deductible as a charity donation!

Now once you’ve picked our your dog, you need to immediately set her up as an employee of your corporate entity.  This will make it so every single cent you spend on the animal is tax-deductible.  The IRS will tell you that you can only do this for genuine work dogs – guard dogs and such – but there are a dozen ways to fulfill this requirement as long as you’re sufficiently creative.  Perhaps your dog is an aspiring actor or model.  Tax law is getting increasingly lax as far as support animals are concerned. Or you can register to work for a dogwalking or dogsitting service.  In my case, Maisie is considered to be a “brand ambassador” for the Bengals football team.  Sure, that might be in direct opposition to the actual mascot, but I just throw a tiger-stripe coat on her and bring her to a few practices and I’m good to go.

But of course tax deductions are small potatoes compared to saving the money directly.  So we’ll work though the hierarchy of needs and see if we can trim off some of the fat.

First off, food.  The wildlife photographer, preservationist, and television personality Roger A. Caras once said “Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made.”  But as much as they love getting a taste of your nightly cube steak leavings, it’s not healthy for a dog to subsist entirely on human food and any money you might save doing this is going to vanish in a poof of veterinary bills.  The easiest way to save money on dog food is to avoid overfeeding your dog.  Start off by giving your dog half of what the dog food manufacturers recommend, and weigh her regularly.  If she starts dropping weight, feed her a bit more to get her back to the ideal, then dial it in.  Keep her lean and mean and she’ll be happier, and your wallet will, too.  You can also add “dog food” to your daily Craigslist alerts – it’s sad, but there’s no reason for an animal’s food to go to waste after they’ve passed on, which leads us to our next category…

Safety and security.  The shelter you adopted from should have given you a leash and a carrier – and if you didn’t think to ask, you should probably sign up for my remedial class because this lecture is above your pay grade, ha ha!  You’ll most likely be able to find a used dog crate from someone whose dog isn’t with them anymore.  You can always check with veterinarians, too – they’ll be happy to unload stuff like that.  If you need bedding for the animal, Goodwill is usually a solid option – with a pair of scissors an old flannel shirt turns into a flannel blanket in a heartbeat.

Recreation is a huge part of any dog’s life and your walks with the dog are a richly rewarding bonding experience.  But they can be rewarding in other ways, too.  Bring a tote bag with you when you’re walking the dog.  Neighborhoods are full of fruit trees, and you can treat yourself to as many delicious apples as you like if they’re hanging over the sidewalk.  Some lunatics even leave baskets full of fruit out for you to take!  For free!  Sometimes you’ll find spare change on the sidewalk – pennies, nickels, dimes…one time I even found a whole dollar.  It was all folded up in a triangle with some Sweet N Low at the center – no idea what that was about.  You can clean up your neighborhood by picking up bottles and cans – and get a five cent reward for each one you grab.  And you never know what kinds of treasures await curbside on garbage day.  Perfectly useable rugs, old PVC pipes and chicken wire you can turn into tomato cages…one time I even found a working vacuum cleaner! Just needed to clean out a bit of a hair clog and it was as good as new!

And finally, cleaning up after your dog shouldn’t cost much, either.  To begin with, if you ever spend actual money on dog waste bags you are a F-O-O-L fool.  Sure, a lot of grocery stores don’t hand them out for free anymore, but that doesn’t mean you can’t double- or triple-bag any produce you purchase.  If you’re the type to splurge on food delivery, you’ll usually score a couple.  The best method I’ve found is to save packing balloons from Amazon packages – just cut them open at one end and they’re every bit as good as the ones you’d buy on a roll. You’ll easily find a dozen at a time.

Anyhow, we’re starting to run a little long here and there’s a diner nearby that’s got an early bird special that’s too sweet to pass up.  Thanks for coming, and who do I talk to about validating my parking?