Good morning. I’ve heard claims of lots of happy Rams fans out there this week, but curiously, I haven’t seen any yet thus far. Seems odd to me – in years past, I couldn’t tell you how many women I’ve had to turn away from my doors this week due to being overwhelmed in performing abortions from post-Super Bowl celebratory coitus. Fortunately, it’s time like these where I’m glad where I’ve got a friend just down the street to help me out. Dr. Germit Kosnell… nice guy! Never had any problems with him. Anyways, I understand you were worried about a similar problem. I just hope you haven’t considered the solution I warned you about in the pamphlet you got back in the waiting room…

CROCODILE DUNG BIRTH CONTROL: A RESOURCEFUL SOLUTION FROM AN ELEGANT ERA?

What are the positives of this treatment?

It’s not hard to understand the modern fascination of Ancient Egypt; for over three thousand years, Egyptian culture was the pinnacle of stability and continuity, and the architectural treasures, technological innovations, and artistic wonders continue to inspire and impress people across the world in every historical era that followed. From the pyramids to mummification to elaborate irrigation systems to an extremely organized and well-educated class of civil servants, many modern societies continue to learn and borrow from discoveries made from this incredible era in history.

Egyptian medical practise was remarkably advanced for its time, and could treat, with some success, a wide variety of ailments, including broken bones and internal bleeding, and could even provide some rudimentary diagnoses of more complex ailments like diabetes and cancer. As Egyptians seemed to have a good understanding of anatomy and physiology, it’s thus no wonder that they also wanted to have more control of reproductive function.

We have concrete, archaeological evidence of Egyptian women using crocodile dung as birth control during the height of Egyptian civilization. A reconstructed and translated papyrus gives explicit instructions to collect leftover feces, form it into a brick, and leave it to harden in the hot desert sun. Once hard, this brick is inserted… inside. Yes. Seriously.

As it turns out, croc poop is alkaline – and in similar levels to contemporary spermicides. As such, in some circumstances, it is technically possible that it could have neutralized any sperm entering into a vagina.

Consider this section to be a giant, blinking neon light that reads “SEPSIS”. Obviously, the lining of the female reproductive system is extremely strong and flexible, but if a patient had any microfissures at all… things would likely go extremely awry very quickly.

One must also consider the dangers of trying to collect enough croc dung in the first place; wading into the Nile, or even just standing on its banks, can still be risky business even today. Even if the crocs didn’t get you, the hippos might – and many consider their bites even more ferocious than the resident giant Egyptian reptiles.

What are are some real life examples of this treatment? 

In addition to ancient Egyptians, we also have archaeological evidence of some ancient Mesopotamians using croc dung in the exact same fashion. In places where crocodiles weren’t common, some Mesopotamians would use elephant dung as a replacement. Even in the 11th century AD, the esteemed Persian philosopher and physician Avicenna was still prescribing dung as a suitable contraceptive, though, like the Mesopotamians, he recommended elephant poop as the go-to, likely due to his closer proximity to the animals.

Besides crocodile dung, some ancient Egyptians combined other contraceptive methods in their treatments, such as lining the cervix with honey (ideally to prevent any place for a fertilized egg to attach to the uterine lining), and, on other occasions, consuming silphium, a plant similar to fennel, in juice form which was mixed with water. Silphium might possibly work as an abortifacient, but we have no exact way of knowing – it’s believed to have gone extinct sometime in the Roman era, possibly due to overfarming and decreased soil quality in the Mediterranean area.  Finally, in addition to dung, some women may have used tampons made out of acacia shrubs as a contraceptive – acacia leaves have significant quantities of lactic acid, which is also a key ingredient in modern spermicides.

How can we improve this treatment for the future?

We have extensive literature on crocodile dung, but comparatively little on their close reptilian cousin, the alligator. I’m currently in the process of securing funding for a study based out of Gainesville, Florida, to see how tweaking this ancient recipe might affect the local population of co-eds and their sexual proclivities. We’re having some issues trying to find enough subjects for the control group that aren’t currently addicted to crystal meth, however… these goddamn ethics boards.

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.