One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
We did this last off-season and had an all-timer finding out which cartoon character we’d go down to Bone Town with, and some lesser success with things like hamburgers. You win some, you lose some, but either way the #content Monster is sated, and time is wasted. And I couldn’t help but notice that last Monday was a barren wasteland, so I’m doing it again.
First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one.
This week’s topic is a leftover idea from last season, unfortunately just before the NFL came back and Hippo Thoughts took over this space, putting it to much better use. It comes from the fertile and somewhat thirsty mind of Rikki, who asks “What Olympic athlete would you date?”
Before we start, a word from our Commissioner:
You can draft any athlete who has competed in an Olympic Games. You are drafting them as they were in the Olympics, or at the present time. So if they were underage at the time of the Olympics but are now a legal adult they are eligible for the draft with the specification that you are drafting them as they presently exist. If they were really hot back in 1924, but are now dead, go ahead and draft them and we’ll just assume you’re taking them as a living person and not in their current state. Hell, I’ve been dead since 2008, and if I can be the commissioner then dammit you can draft Sonja Henie
With that rule in place, I will take the first pick. Now, you’re all thinking I’m going to take Mikaela Shiffrin, but in a shocking twist I am going to back to my impressionable younger days and, in a spirit of bringing the world together, drafting East German figure skater Katerina Witt
Might have been my favorite edition of Playboy ever.
As for the rest of you, you’re on the clock, 
If Rikki’s choosing horses, I’m taking an almost Olympian –Geena Davis
https://people.com/movies/geena-davis-explains-why-she-took-up-archery-and-how-she-almost-made-the-2000-olympic-team/
Geena Davis almost made the Olympic team, so Jim McKay almost allowed this pick, but in the end neither happened.
But now I do have to think up a draft where Geena Davis could be drafted. Say “Sexy Women Who Dated Jeff Goldblum While He Was A Furry” for instance.
Can’t have the last draft pick be a horse.
I mentioned her earlier, so I will draft Italian biathlete Dorothea Wierer
I am willing to make a trade with resident Italian 2Pack for future considerations
Throw in Katerina and we’ll have a deal!
Absolutely the fuck not.
All right, it’s nice and late in the day so I’m gonna get weird with it and pick Rafalca. Sorry, Ms. Romney – I AM FOR REAL!
If the relationship blossoms into something more, the world will have Rikki to blame when little kids ask their parents where Centaurs come from.
THERE WILL BE NO HORSE-BUGGERY ON JIM MCKAY’S WATCH, SIR!!!
Buggery? Oh, no, good sir. She’s a mare!
TRIGGER WARNING
I’m not gay and I’m not completely comfortable with transgenders (I’m where I was 10 years ago with homosexuals: “I don’t get it, but you do you and I’ll do me.” so there is a chance for growth and change), however if it pisses off Trump and his balllickers and assuming she goes to the Olympics, I’ll willing to take Lia Thomas out for drinks and a movie as a Supplemental 5th Round Draft Pick.
Goddamnit, Caitlin Jenner was RIGHT THERE!
No. No. No. I have standards. No. No. No. I’d rather be intimate with a meat grinder than get involved with that family.
No.
PS: I owe you a plus one later to make up for the rarely used minus one.
There are so many reasons to dislike Caitlin Jenner that don’t involve transgenderism
That what drove me nuts when everyone was giving her praise for reintroducing herself as “Caitlyn”.
“She’s so brave and amazing!”
“She’s the same person she was before! Just because you abandoned your old name and false gender doesn’t mean you can also abandon the flaws, past and baggage!”
Johnny Weissmuller. Him Tarzan. Me Jane.
Abby Dahlkemper, USWNT keeper
I like em tall. 2016 Netherlands Volleyball team.
Allowed under the ‘Doc Zymm New Zealand Water Polo Team’ Corollary
I mean I could be a Mormon and date them all. Think of the soaking!!!!!
Ma’am, your unif…never mind.
Ok, since Rikki’s pick is off the table, I’ll add a pairs ice dancer to the roster, Tessa Virtue.
And yes, I considered Evan Bates to drive a wedge and see if I could mess up things with Rikki through jealousy.
Tessa is a little more my type though.
Solid pick. I bet she’s not nearly as virtuous as her name would make you think.
2. Call it a reach if you will, but I have no regrets about turning in my card for Tonia Couch, British diver.
I would date Blair Witch, crosscountry runner.
I’m going outside the box, (giggles like a moron for 4 hours), on this one and taking Sue Bird.
Clearly we have too much in common for it to work romantically: we both went to UConn, we both like drinking, we like watching sports, and we both like girls. But if you’ve ever seen Bird and Diana Taurasi get drunk and talk sports over an NCAA women’s tournament game then you know she’d be a blast to hang out with. Much better than the Mannings.
i like how she’s giving us all the finger
I don’t expect I’ll change that.
2nd round I’ll take Marta Menegatti (he goes deep in for this one)
Anna Kournikova made the Olympics when she was a teenager so let’s go with Anna Kournikova when she was in her SI Swimsuit prime
1. I appreciate everyone respecting the fact that I called dibs on Madison Chock earlier this year. Sorry for getting here so late, my love.
Crosses Ms Chock off imaginary big board
You have no idea how hard it was to restrain myself from taking her with my first pick, out of sheer assholery.
One thing I’m not gonna do, I’m certainly not gonna pick Suzy Favor Hamilton, USA track athlete who didn’t know she was bipolar and went on anti-depressives and became “hyper-sexualized” and moved to Vegas to become an escort so she could get paid to have sex all the time because she was just completely horny. That would be wrong, so that’s not my pick except it’s pretty much my pick.
oh. my. Is she still…gainfully employed??
Wait, what?
I said to Mark, “Let’s go to Vegas.” I’d come up with what I considered a wild anniversary celebration. “First, I think we should go skydiving,” I said. “And then”—I paused for drama—”I was thinking, maybe we could hire an escort and have a threesome like we’ve always talked about.”
“Can I say honestly, ‘I would never do that again?'” she told me of prostitution. “I can’t. … But I hope not. I hope I have the strength and willpower to say, ‘No, I’m not doing that. It’s not a good thing for me.'”
I would want the threesome first, because if that goes badly I’m (probably) not going to lunge screaming into the Earth from 7,000 feet.
Michael David Edwards aka Eddie the Eagle.
The stories he must have about the whole thing.
Idea for a future mock draft–hottest criminal Olympic athletes. Lots of contenders, from Hope Solo to Picabo Street, Ryan Lochte to Marion Jones.
Every Russian athlete….
This
“Is rape a crime?” – Ronaldo, who honestly doesn’t know
“Does this look like the face of a rapist?”
-Ronaldo’s lawyer, agent and publicist, in unison
4th selection, in keeping with the Dutch theme:
Suzanne Schulting
Good lord.
I’ll take Dorothy Hamill doggy-style, Alex
It’s been 30 minutes, so….Next pick: Serena Williams, just about any time but specifically around this photo shoot works for me
Olympic Ice Dancer Tanith Belbin
Rita Leeds
You didn’t specify what type of Olympics.
Lol
Don’t make me frown with disappointment
Frederica Bridnone since you stole Katerina with the first round pick…
It’s been over 30 and I can’t let this 3rd round gem go by:
Ellen Hoog
Despite what Austin Powers’s Fahzah thinks, the Dutch have some things going for them.
For my next pick I’ll take Alicia Sacramone sometime after when she knocked out the douche that challenged her to hit him as hard as she could but before she crossed paths with Brady Quinn.
https://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/olympic-gymnast-alicia-sacramone-knocks-out-dude/859574/
Honestly one of m favorite videos.
She knocked the crap out of that guy.
I’m hesitant to label the guy a douche – for all we know it was a Truth or Dare type situation where he really, *really* shouldn’t have picked dare. She certainly didn’t look angry when she hit him.
Note the list of “likes” on this tweet:
https://mobile.twitter.com/doorfliesopen/status/1420390982046998530
Truly one of your finest moments
Point of order based on Hippo being concerned that Alex Morgan medaled in the Olympic. Your pick only has to have competed in the Olympics; they do not have to have medaled.
Go ahead and pick that Italian goddess who finished dead last in women’s 30K X-country biathlon, (I’m actually pretty sure there was a very attractive Italian woman who took bronze this past year), or that Jamaican hunk who slid down the bobsled run on his head. All that counts here is the participation ribbon.
So, interesting dilemma:
I was going to pick Alica Schmidt, but she didn’t actually compete in the 2020 (21!) Olympics. She went to Tokyo and all that, but didn’t actually compete.
I submit Exhibit A for your consideration:
I’m taking her then considering I got no response!
I’M WORKING, GODDAMMIT!!
That said, she made the Olympic team, she traveled with the team to the site of the Olympics, the Ghost of Jim McKay will allow this
This is why Jim McKay was a fucking legend.
It’s been well over half an hour and you people are clearly Philistines
Well, she ends up on her back a lot, so I suppose that makes her a good pick…
That’s just mean, Sir.
Antonija Sandrić
#SeemsNice
Shoulders (2)
Second pick:
Valentina Acosta Giraldo, Colombia (archery)
Before you ask, she’s 22.
Oh, I was already asking.
You had me at “lithe Latina with a dangerous weapon in her hands”
BASTARD took Ms. Witt from me, but I looked it up and Alex Morgan was indeed an Olympic medalist. So…Alex Morgan. Current is fine, makes the age difference slightly less creepy.
(to clarify for any Trestmans out there, my pick is pictured on the right)
/Windowless van careens off the road and smashes into a pole
//sad horn
Katerina Witt is an outstanding pick (as is Jenneke)
I’ll start with Jennie Finch
Current Aly Raisman
Thank you for the “current”
It has been more than 30 minutes so my next pick is Mikela Mulroney
YOU BASTARD!
Yeah, I’ve had a weird crush on her. I think she’s super hot. Great pick!
You know how I feel about her.
Plus she’ll get your frisbee off the roof!
It can’t be much fun dating an Olympian while they’re competing since they’re gonna be in training and focused all the time, so I’m just going for looks and anyone from the 2020 Australian men’s water polo team will do just fine
?imwidth=650&impolicy=sevennews_v2
Greedy, but allowed
Michelle Jenneke
Were you around when she first burst on the scene and some weird dude claiming to be her boyfriend wanted to fight the internet? That was hilarious.
Anyway, I gave him your number.
I was scrolling just to find her. love.
Sydney Leroux
Tara Lipinski as she is now, you get a beautiful funny gf, but her funny gay friend as well.
I love them. That is all.
Gotta go with a hockey player for my first pick: Hillary Knight