Monday Morning Mock Draft: Word Processor of the Gods

Hey, so, little late with this one. That’s what happens when you have a birthday on a Sunday and then get sucked into trying to finish ‘Ozark’ but don’t, because the last episode just seems to be taking forever and it’s time to go to bed and, oops, forgot to do that thing.

This week we are taking a page from the wonderful Stephen King short story ‘Word Processor of the Gods’ in which, sort story even shorter, a sad sack author gets a magical word processor that allows him to ‘delete’ people from his current miserable existence and then type in the family he should have had. Quick, painless, and everything’s wrapped up in a neat bundle without having a bunch of 10-12 year-olds having a gangbang in the sewers of Derry, Maine.

Speaking of things that should have been deleted.

Anyhoo, last week we were drafting fictional villains, which naturally led to some discussion of real life villains, and also naturally led to some appearances by everyone’s favorite, The Blair Witch. This week we drafting people we would, using our own personal Word Processor of the Gods, delete from history.

Here with the rules is this week’s guest host, noted historian Doris Kearns Goodwin.

The rules are simple. Each draftee must have been a real person, or thing I guess, if for some reason you believe that a tangible object and/or animal has adversely influenced history to the point that it would be better had it not existed. Each draft pick is just…gone. They never existed. Everything they did, everything they influenced, everything that flows from that persons existence, does not. It’s that simple.

Also, as discussed last week, you can’t draft Adolf Hitler, as we are putting him in the ‘Goes Without Saying’ category. Fuck that guy.

With the first pick in this week’s draft I will take this guy:

A none-too-bright yet charismatic actor who set the tone for regarding government as something to abhorred rather than utilized, who presided over exploding deficits and shrinking unions, who even unwittingly, (because let’s face it, he didn’t have his wits about him for a good chunk of his 8 years), set a tone of people voting against their economic interests in favor of voting against “others” civil rights, and the election of whom set the US on a downward trend that eventually led to the election of an orange-skinned clown as President, something I’m frankly not sure we’ll recover from in my lifetime.

Also, if Ronnie’s deleted I probably never have to hear about his goblin of a wife was such an aficionado of throat yogurt. That alone would make him a Top 5 pick.

The rest of you are on the clock.