So now it’s 4 a.m. and we’re all starting to get restless. The immediate afterglow of the Draft has faded, but the harsh light of morning has not yet dawned to reveal whether your team outkicked its coverage or made a horrible mistake. What you DO have is an uncomfortable feeling that could be Regret or might just a full bladder when your arm is trapped.

As previously discussed, this was a deep but highly uncertain draft, so assessing Winners and Losers is even more pointless and premature than normal. However: pointless and premature are my middle names.

Wait, not “premature” like that. I was born six weeks early. Goddammit, this entire post is going sideways…

So I present to you my Preliminary But Infallible List of Draft Winners and Losers:

Winners: all the first-round picks. Even the ones that went to the Lions, Jags, “Texans” and New Jersey.  They are all millionaires- Lewis Cine, the 32nd pick, is slated to make about $12.5 million over four years. Even with taxes, agent fees and hangers-on, reasonable financial planning should make that a lifetime’s support. Yes, it comes at the cost of their physical and mental health, but all 262 draft picks already signed up for that. At least these guys are getting compensated well for it.

Loser: Malik Willis. No knock on the Tits as a destination- he and Kenny Pickett both landed on much better teams than the consensus top QBs usually do.  The problem is that while both QBs will likely be thrust into starting roles by next year (Ryan Tannehill is getting NFL Old at 34 on opening day), Willis will be getting beat to shit for relative peanuts.  Pickett’s signing bonus ($7 million plus) will be larger than Willis’ entire contract (roughly $5 million over four years). That’s not great for Willis, given that the Draft Industrial Complex had them roughly even.

Winners: the owners. The owners always win.

Loser: Cleveland. Nobody wants Baker. Watson’s suspension may be in limbo until next year, when the Low Cunning move of deferring all his salary in anticipation of suspension this year will bite them in the ass. They fixed exactly none of the problems that sunk them last year, and did so at enormous expense in both treasure and karma. Keep on Clevelanding, Jimmy Haslam

Winners: Iggles, somehow. AJ Brown was a nice pickup, although his cap numbers put them right back into the wall in two years. Jordan Davis is a terrifying monster of a man who might be the next Mike Mamula. Nakobe Dean might be a medical mess, but you can afford to gamble in the third round. The Eagles may actually know what their strategy is for once: if Hurts catches fire, they have a one year window before they have to pay him All the Money. If not, they are looking at a much better QB draft next year, with Hurts as a placeholder while the kid gets up to speed. Weird.

Loser: Iggles. Because even with a Plan, the fans are going to be braying to bring back Nick Foles.

Winners: The Bills. It’s Time. The stars are in alignment. The Golden Bells of the New Dawn ring. The Prophecy has been spoken and the Wheels of Fate grind toward the Inevitable.  Apotheosis is upon us.

Losers: Patriots. “You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Or in Belichick’s case, you die a villain or live long enough to see yourself become outdated.  The Patriots made the Devil’s playoff run last year: one where you actually feel worse afterward than if you had just missed out. That first-round teeth-kicking at the hands of your division rival, who you have owned so long that Aaron Rodgers is jealous, was just soul-destroying.

Belichick did not make any obvious moves to remedy the issues revealed over the last two years. He keeps drafting as though it’s 2011 and he just has to find the Next Guy so he can trade away the Current Guy. They drafted a Mystery Guard, a skinny burner of a receiver with tiny stone hands, and the World’s Smallest Corner. Maybe he re-upped his contract with Lucifer, Father of Lies, and these all turn out to be steals.  But even the innovators get stale.

Winners: New England fans. It’s been a real struggle feeding that Boston Sports Inferiority Complex over the last two decades. Hopefully a couple of 8-9 seasons makes NOOOOO ONNNNE SUFFAHS LIKE US feel a little more genuine.

Winner: Baker Mayfield. The man’s looking at $18 million to not start for the Browns, the Panthers or whatever else trash team would trade for him. THAT’S MATT FLYNN-LEVEL HUSTLE! Shit, I’d take $100 and a fro-yo punch card to not start for the Browns.  Plus his aggrieved-rich-white-asshole act is going to play great in his Oklahoma senate race.

LESSER SPORTS:

What am I, TV Guide?  There’s an assload of sports on, including NBA and NHL Playoffs, plus Baseball.  You can’t mash your fat Western fingers against your remote without finding some sort of sports tonight.

MAYHEM’S MOVIE OF THE WEEK:

Speaking of obscure sports– it doesn’t get more obscure than Obscure Sports Quarterly, ESPN8 (“The Ocho!”) and Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

Vince Vaughn when he was still funny! Ben Stiller…well, he kinda sucks, but he produced it! Rip Torn!

Stephen Root! Gary Cole and Jason Bateman! ALAN TUDYK AS STEVE THE PIRATE!

The movie is back in the public consciousness because 1. It is deeply awesome, 2. It is incredibly quotable, and 3. This mad genius capitalized on the DeAndre Hopkins PED suspension to quote the movie:

Per sources, DeAndre Hopkins tested positive for three separate types of anabolic steroids and a low-grade beaver tranquilizer

— Ian Hartitz (@Ihartitz) May 2, 2022

A sadly large number of media idiots didn’t realize that this was a movie quote and actually thought Hopkins was popped for rodent sedatives.  Yes, this Hartitz guy is a PFF analyst. And yes, on it’s face this is no less ridiculous than deer antler spray, the Whizzinator or Ron Mexico.  But c’mon guys: you’re supposed to be professional access merchants.  Have some pride.

ANYWAY: It’s a great movie. I haven’t seen it for too long. I’m watching it tonight. GO WATCH IT.