Today’s topic is brought to you courtesy of my dog. During our multi-mile hike through the local woods, (he brings me along as bait, using me to lure all the deer flies and mosquitos away from him), it occurred to me that having a fantastical pet would be pretty cool, and using that idea for a draft topic would mean I wouldn’t have to use up some of the ideas Scotty’s given me without first telling him ahead of time so he can have the first pick.
Next week though, Scotchy, next week.
As you may have guessed from that preamble we’re introducing fantastical pets. A couple of rules. First and most important they have to be fictitious. You can’t draft your first dog, although I would understand the urge. Second, and this is probably a very important rule for, (gestures vaguely at entire clubhouse), all of you, you can’t have sex with it. Don’t go drafting Jessica Rabbit and claiming you just have a thing for bunnies. Nobody’s buying that one.
(drafts Jessica Rabbit)
With the first pick in the draft I will take Ghost, the dire wolf from Game of Thrones. Loyal as can be, absolutely vicious when needed, might be telepathic, goes for walks by himself, (sometimes for multiple seasons at a time), and has a pair of fuzzy ears just begging to be scritched.
Go ahead Ed, let your cows wander into my yard again this summer. See what happens.
The rest of you are on the clock. Go get that imaginary furry, scaly, winged, whatever domestic companion you’ve always wanted!
2nd Pick: Pegasus
Yeahright opened it up on Star Wars, does Yoda count as a mythical creature? If so, Yoda. If not, I guess a Taunton.
Relevant:
https://www.theonion.com/dont-tell-me-youve-never-wondered-what-yodas-penis-look-1819583916
Gumby chooses Top Cat.
🎵 Top Cat
The indisputable leader of the gang!
He’s the top, he’s the tip
He’s the championship!
He’s the most tip top
Top Cat!🎶
Ben
Me and my army of rats are going to take over New York City.
I’m not sure what we’ll do with it afterwards, but that’s another draft.
Off topic, but, this TAEK ranks somewhere in 7-9 range of HAWTNESS:
https://www.si.com/nfl/commanders/.amp/news/washington-jeff-fisher-comment-ron-rivera-keep-mouth-shut-jack-del-rio-coach-michigan-panthers
I’d expect Fisher to be more of a Jan. 7-9 kind of guy, not the 6th.
“I went down the middle my whole career”
Yeah, 7-9
I saw that and at first thought this must be a parody article.
But nope, that’s just how self-aware Jeff is.
Remy the Rat. I’ll take a Michelin starred rat chef with the voice of an angel
Oh man I wish I’d made this pick
I see none of my friends from the Great White North have dipped into their home band Rush yet… so in the second round I select – The Snow Dog… or TSD as he likes to go by.
4. Ladyhawke. Sure, according to the killjoy rules I can’t have sex with it, but maybe, just maybe, if I catch her in the right mood I can have sex with the astonishingly beautiful lady it turns into! And if not, hey, it’s cool – it’d still be cool as hell to have a hawk as a pet.
Balls literally nailed, (heh), that loophole with his first pick.
I’ll take Gromit-he keeps to himself but he’s there when you stumble across a sheep-rustling operation, which happens more than you’d think.
Also he helps keep you supplied with cheese, which is also a very good quality.
Uncle Pecos: A real Crambone!
Pig of Eden that supplies infinite pork products
Chewbacca.
That is all.
I’ll take Dug from “Up” because he’s SQUIRREL!
Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes…
Steal
It’s not nice to steal a boys stuffed animal
A dynamite pick.
Damn, good one.
I’ll take Philo Beddoe’s beer-drinking, sucker-punching companion. Right turn, Clyde!
v
Great value.
Right turn, Clyde.
I have to leave in a minute, so my next pick is the little elephant/dishwasher/ vacuum from the Flintstones.
Mammoth, not elephant, but you know what I mean!
If Foghorn Leghorn is eligible, I’ll take Bugs Bunny. We’re gonna be rich!
Insert your own Lola Bunny joke here.
Insert? I thought you weren’t allowed to have sex with your pick
Lola bunny (the grey one) being shy
I would take Sylvester the Cats son – “Oh, Father!”
On top of everything else the kid’s a Browns fan.
Dino from the Fintstones. Slightly more domesticated than Blue (below)
Blue would be eyeing Dino like he was the Prime Rib station at the buffet.
Absolutely. And then at me once done with Dino
1st pick: Blue, the Velociraptor.
*click* *click*
My pick is Barf!
He’s his own best friend!
Barfolomew! He was on my board.
Must remind you, not allowed to have sex with it.
But we can cuddle, right? RiGHT?
Just keep it chaste missy.
This works out well cause I brought John Candy back to life a few drafts ago. Because if you thought a Mog smelled bad when he was alive…
What’s better than 1 pug? Two!
I’ll take Güenter from Futurama
3. Can’t believe you chumps let me sit on this one until the third round: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi
That would have been just mean.
Jessica Rabbit is out but are the kinda racist animated bullets fair game?
Just don’t fuck ’em.
I’ll take Baloo from Jungle Book; big ol bear who can just chill and hang out with you.
(please note: I am not a small Indian boy)
But you want one, right?
On a very related note I’ll take Ben the Bear from Grizzly Adams.
A real bear who could protect my righteous ass.
Foghorn Leghorn. My role model since way back when. And I would certainly party, and engage in mayhem, with that Dude.
“I say, I say 2Pack, how about we go and find some hens, chicks are a little too young for me?”
Stampy from the Simpsons
Bold move, sir. Bold move.
Gizmo from Gremlins
Don’t feed him after midnight!
Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball II
Technically that’s two picks, but everyone knows you can’t break up bonded pets so I’ll allow it.
Does that mean I get Woodstock too?
Woodstock wasn’t really a pet, though. He was a wild bird that hung out with Snoopy. So even if some drafted Woodstock he’d probably still hang out with Snoopy on occasion.
Next pick is Snoopy.
Next pick: I’ll draft the dog from the movie “The Artist.”
This is something because in all honesty I’m not what you would call a “dog person” but this was the greatest dog ever.
My second pick in this draft has to be the illustrious Ray Smuckles.
First clip of Giuliani is of him DRINKING.
(water, but still, excellent subliminal work)
Inspired by but different than Maestro’s pick, my friends and I would always yearn for a stenographer monkey who can stay in a backpack recording the hilarious/ridiculous goings on for future reference. So I shall draft a stenographer monkey.
“As long as it knows when to stop taking notes”
Ray Lewis
Ruth from The White Dragon
One of McCaffrey’s critters was on my board, but I just couldn’t resist the adorableness of the No Such Thing guy.
In all honesty, i mis-read the title of this post at first and thought it said “Fantastic Breasts and Where to Find Them” and I was all ready to draft Heather Graham in Boogie Nights.
Mine would be Denise Milani
I’ll file that one away under “future mock drafts”
Also my first pick is Alexandra Daddario
Straight up steal right there.
Katy Perry over here.
2. The dragon from “There’s No Such Thing as a Dragon”. Adorable and manageable as a pet, but capable of growing to great size if needed.
Sorry for the interruption, but Liz Cheney just described an election night Rudy as “apparently inebriated”.
Boo from Baldur’s Gate:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K20K5c2eEws
Aslan. I mean, he’s basically God in the form of a lion. And lions are cool.
Yeah but God’s an asshole.
Don’t talk about my pets like that, sir.
I’ll take Mouse, Harry Dresden’s dog from the Dresden Files.
Sweet-tempered, intelligent, and can kick the ass of mortals and supernatural creatures alike.
Dogmeat. Unkillable loyal pal.
Gage, the cat from Pet Sematary.
At the very least he’ll be a conversation starter.
Starter, ender, whatever.
Falkor
🎶The Neverending Storeee-eee-eee-eee🎵
1. I’m pretty sure I don’t want a pet that talks, and I’d like something that is fluffy and cuddly and not dangerous to me but *very* dangerous to anyone who threatens me, so I’ll take the snow leopard Stelmaria from The Golden Compass.
Because I know they are not really a thing… at least, outside of those people who are El Chapo cocaine money rich… I have spent my entire life wanting a fully trained monkey butler.
Cerberus
Babu the ocelot. He’d remember me.
True, but he’s also a fox-eared asshole who pisses on everything.
But as a cat owner, you should be used to that.
Frank the Pug from Men in Black. I mean he’s an Alien, who is a pug that can talk!!!!!
I will take a dragon. Yes, I know that’s generic. I can go with Puff or many others and I know Hedley will show up and make me choose, so I’ll choose Danaerys’ dragon from Game of Thrones only because she might want to hang out and play with my dragon.
I tried to make my real dog the commissioner, but the picture I have where he’s clearly judging me wouldn’t take for some reason.
However, this pick is Tucker approved, and Drogon is off the board. The other two dragons are dead, so it has to be him.
Also, nice way to find a loophole to get laid without violating the rules of the draft you hopeless reprobate you.
That’s hopeful reprobate, mister!