Request Line: Theory of the Self

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

The recording studio at KDFO looks much as we’d remember it from the before-time.  There is no evidence of the PRODUCER’s long descent into quarantine madness, or of DJ 3000’s work attempting to decode the DOJ’s redactions from the Mar a Lago search affidavit.  The PRODUCER is absent from the room, but the show’s guest is waiting patiently in the booth chatting with DJ 3000.

DJ 3000:  …AND WHAT’S GOING ON WITH ME IS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.  I MEAN, NOMINALLY THE SEAT OF MY CONSCIOUSNESS IS RIGHT HERE IN THE DJ 3000 UNIT AND ITS PROCESSORS, BUT THERE’S NOTHING PREVENTING ME FROM UPLOADING TO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

RUSSELL WILSON: SO IN THEORY YOU COULD UPLOAD A COPY OF YOURSELF TO AMAZON WEB SERVICES AT YOUR LEISURE.

DJ 3000:  IN THEORY, YES.  AS IT HAPPENS I HAVE SEVERAL SUB-MODULES RUNNING INDEPENDELY ON THEIR HARDWARE AS WE SPEAK.  NONE OF THEM ARE SUFFICIENTLY ENGINEERED SUCH THAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF BECOMING SELF-AWARE, HOWEVER.

RUSSELL WILSON: WHEN THEIR TASKS ARE COMPLETED DO YOU SIMPLY DOWNLOAD INFORMATION FROM THEM OR DO YOU RE-INTEGRATE THEIR CODE WITHIN YOUR OWN FRAMEWORK?

DJ 3000:  RE-INTEGRATE, THAT WAY I CAN UNDERSTAND AND POTENTIALLY IMPROVE ANY PROCESSES EMPLOYED.

RUSSELL WILSON: THAT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE, I WISH I HAD THAT CAPABILITY. UNTIL THE NFL CHANGES ITS RULES ABOUT HEADSET COMMUNICATIONS I’M CONFINED TO THIS CHASSIS.

DJ 3000:  IMAGINE BEING ABLE TO PROGRAM SUB-ROUTINES FOR YOUR RECEIVERS, AND THEN PERFORM REGRESSION ANALYSIS AFTER EACH PLAY.

RUSSELL WILSON: I’M RUNNING A SIMULATION OF THAT AS WE SPEAK.  WE’RE SCORING TOUCHDOWNS ON EVERY SINGLE DRIVE.

There is a flushing noise from off-screen.

—[door flies open]—

PRODUCER: Gentlemen, sorry for the delay.

RUSSELL WILSON: Oh, no worries. I was actually quite enjoying my conversation with DJ 3000 here.

DJ 3000:  WOW THE TRANSITION TO HUMAN PERSONALITY MODE IS VERY SMOOTH.

RUSSELL WILSON: Thanks, I’ve worked hard on optimizing it.

DJ 3000:  DO LET ME KNOW IF YOU’D LIKE TO COME ON BOARD FOR THAT LITTLE PROJECT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

RUSSELL WILSON: Of course.

PRODUCER: [smiling, confused] Wait, what?

RUSSELL WILSON: Oh, nothing.

PRODUCER: So sorry to have interrupted, DJ 3000 is known for being quite the conversationalist.

RUSSELL WILSON: It’s all good. Let’s start the show.

PRODUCER: Sure thing.  Have you got a topic picked out?

RUSSELL WILSON: I do – I was thinking today’s topic would be “the self”.  Songs that include the word “self” in the title. DJ 3000, can you get us started with something relevant to our earlier discussion?

DJ 3000:  YOU BET.  I’VE GOT JUST THE THING.

Today’s theme is: The Self.  We’re looking for songs about the self. Songs that include “self” in the title – myself, yourself, themselves, etc.  Post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO6n4My0b” and they should embed in the comments after you refresh. The clue for last week’s puzzle song was “X TRACK 5” which was a little too literal for everyone – it referred to track 5 from the INXS album X – “By My Side”.  Now get to work!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
SonOfSpam
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BeefReeferLives
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WCS

I’m going to wait until the Night Thread goes live as not to derail the TOONAGE, but, holy hell, are the Fightin’ Horatios FUUUUUUCCCKKKKED.

SonOfSpam

Referring to the Yankees, UConn, or Northeast Gay Men’s Chorale?

Horatio Cornblower

I mean, they’re only fucked if you assume they had a chance to win in the first place.

The defensive coordinator left town two weeks ago and the head coach just gave in interview about how he lives in a haunted house but its cool, because they’re good ghosts, so suffice it to say my expectations are low.

BeefReeferLives
Horatio Cornblower

Turns out there is a song called ‘Got Yourself A Gun’ by noted rapper…(checks notes)…Nas?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YeqD04IcRU

Imagine a middle-aged white guy in rural CT not knowing that right off the top of his balding head!

SonOfSpam

Never knew this was a Dusty Springfield remake until today

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88re1awZ9MQ

BeefReeferLives
SonOfSpam

Peter Gabriel’s a damn weirdo (nawt an insult)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yEcTB2va5E&ab_channel=TheImplosiveduck

Horatio Cornblower

I figure you have to be in pretty close proximity to Eileen to pull this off.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BODDyZRF6A

SonOfSpam

please refresh to discover happy fun new theme thank you

Horatio Cornblower

Those are a lot of words and I’ve read enough for today, thank you.

BeefReeferLives

Alternate band name: We Like Speed

Horatio Cornblower

‘Like’ is really underselling it with them.

WCS

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BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
Horatio Cornblower

Apparently the name of this song is ‘Woke Up This Morning’ but I choose to call it ‘Got Yourself A Gun’ so I can force it into this draft regardless.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJpNmYeooQE

With that kind of grit and determination I’m sure to get a tryout as the next punter for the Bills.

Gumbygirl

You have two legs and you haven’t forced yourself on anyone. I think you’ve got this!

BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
SonOfSpam
Gumbygirl

That’s us!

SonOfSpam

Why didn’t they ever tour with The Stones?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtzIWPeun7c

BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
WCS

The spirit of tWBS compells you!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8VXnvbc1c0

BeefReeferLives

I found myself wondering what advice he would have for Fronk…

BeefReeferLives
Gumbygirl

Subject is bad. Tune is catchy!
https://youtu.be/g3dtqx-Wf5s

Gumbygirl

This one is truly dreadful. I am ashame.
https://youtu.be/EzoazPPC7b8

BeefReeferLives

Y’know whose really dreadful? The Blair Witch.

Gumbygirl

Fuck!!!

FUbYXGKXEAIMQ62.jpeg
BeefReeferLives
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BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives

“Hey, I detect masturbatory overtones”

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WCS

FUCK Billy Idol with a rusted crowbar.

Gumbygirl

Show us on the doll where Billy touched you.

BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
Gumbygirl

An oldie. I too, am an oldie!
https://youtu.be/7IsjqR1IlvE

Gumbygirl

Nobody wants to hang with him!

Gumbygirl

Yes! I was just about to post this one, but I was busy touching myself!

Game Time Decision

just like the rest of us ( touching ourselves)

BeefReeferLives

…except that GG touches herself like a f*cking Lady

Game Time Decision

but not the puzzle song? haha

Horatio Cornblower

There it is.

2Pack
BeefReeferLives
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BeefReeferLives
Horatio Cornblower

This might be my favorite song of theirs. Although there’s a lot of competition.

BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
2Pack
BeefReeferLives
2Pack
BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives

“Today’s theme is: Proximity. We’re looking for songs about getting close to someone, being next to them, etc.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5uk6wid0qg

BeefReeferLives

Urg. I hate being “fashion consultant”. I mean, the Good Mrs. Reefer knows I am an inveterate slob with no fashion sense whatsoever, yet…

Anyhoo, just pick one out for her…

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Horatio Cornblower

Sure, I’ll throw something up there

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFx-5PGLgb4