Normally, I’ve been using this space and time to discuss some of the most depressing aspects of our criminal justice system. This week my DFOverlords have demanded that I change things up and bring you something a little more uplifting. So here we go, the team preview for the uh.. (/checks notes) New York Jets. Shit.
Hopes were high for the Jets after this year’s draft class which included two top ten picks and three in the first round overall. And surprisingly, they did not completely fuck it up. They picked up a first rate corner back in Sauce Gardner, a receiver from THE Hairless Nut University, and a top-rate edge rusher. They have two very good running backs in rookie Breece Hall and second year man Michael Carter Jr.
They lost Mekhi Becton for the year but he hasn’t played for a while anyway. The OL looks adequate and the receiver corp. is so deep that former second round pick Denzel Mims can’t seem to make his way into the lineup and has requested a trade. Mims is stuck on the depth chart behind something called Braxton Berrios, who I can only describe as Blonde Welker.
Last year against the Carson Wentz-led Colts, the defense gave up 486 out of a possible 488 yards. I’m told the defense is upgraded over last year. Special teams is a strength. We’ve got the coach and a GM who actually seems to know what he’s doing. So, what’s wrong?
Our Quarterback, Zach Wilson, is what’s wrong. The polite way to say it is that we really don’t know what he is yet. He played mostly poorly last year before getting injured., getting outplayed by backup Mike White and then further outplayed by former unhoused person Josh Johnson. The Jets panic traded for the ghost of Joe Flacco midseason. Wilson came back from injury and looked better, but against a pretty soft late season schedule.
In the off-season, Wilson got accused of bangin his mom’s friend, so at least we can say that he does one thing that rhymes with “suck.” Wilson hurt his knee early in training camp and is expected to miss at least the first game. With Handsome Jimmy G just sitting there on the trading block in San Francisco, the Jets decided to go into week 1 with the rotting fleshy corpse of Joe Flacco at Quarterback.
GODDAMN IT WHY DO I LIKE THIS TEAM? I FUCKING HATE THEM SO GODDAMN MUCH!
OK go about your day folks. I’ll just be here crying in the corner. AGAIN.
So has the narrative turned from Wilson banging his mom’s friend as proof he’s awesome?
I think he’s awesome for doing that.
I remember waking up at 3:00 one morning and staggering out to the living room to scratch the doggo and snap off some tubes. There was a fishing show on that had celebrity guests. That morning it was Rex and Rob Ryan. Rex was about to Coach his last year with the Jets and Rob just got hired as DC for the Saints. Wolfey was bubbly as fuck and walking on air. Rex was staring off into space like he was staring down his fucking mortality. That’s the Jets. They rob you of your life essence. Bet against them. Root against them. Laugh at them. It’s better for your organs.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I would pay good money for an uncensored, whiskey-fueled Ryancast of SNF or MNF.
Mims said the other week that he is the best receiver on this team.
…
I think that’s the punchline?
J ust
E mbrace
T he
S uck
I was always partial to:
J – ust
E – nd
T – he
S – eason
The first Muslim head coach in NFL history will lead the Jets into their first 2022 battle on 9/11. Would you really bet against him??
Oh yeah. Joe Flacco.
A Muslim is in control of the Jets?! We have truly gone backwards in the War on Terror.
It’s so soothing to know that we’ll always have the Jets.
It’s not like the Browns, who have been so pathetic for so long you couldn’t help but feel bad for them (though that pity has been replaced by hatred after they drove a truckload of money up to Deshaun Watson’s house). People in Cleveland don’t really have any other options. But New York…there’s a million things you could be doing other than investing yourself in this moribund excuse for a franchise. Even the Mets are good from time to time. The day I stop laughing at the New York Jets is the day I die.
I’m surprised New York City and New York State hasn’t sued the New York Jets for libel and slander.
False Advertising
Such a storied franchise
RIP KSK #Upforwhatever
Is Bud Light Limerita still on the market?
“Eh, I’ve been more uninformed.”
– Mike Maccagnan
As opposed to their former player Kellen Winslow Jr, who has become more uniformed.
There is one reason and one reason only no one should ever like this team and wish grievous physical injury upon every man who dons the Kelly green and white. Fuck this team for all eternity until there is nothing left but a smoking hole in the ground in the swamps of East Rutherford. They deserve every ounce of their pain and more.
There should be a support group for Jets fans.
Isn’t that called “a bar”?
it would turn into the nation’s first Suicide Advocacy NGO, within maybe the first 5-10 minutes
All that bloated orange faced orangutan needs is a wind-up key and a pair of cymbals to bang together.
I severely doubt he has the dexterity, let alone the strength, to pull that off.
I bet I could bench press twice as much as him despite weighing half as much.
.