The Rattle of Metal Ghosts

Everyone is dead, nothing left, smoke is all you see, the sound of laughter from little devils surrounds you. Burning and pestilence, greed and blood, dishonor, lie to hide the truth. We have to go to war with ourselves. Murder most foul right in my own neighborhood, again!

Must rise beyond denial, must rise above fear, must rise above the rotting deities that surround and confuse, must exorcize god, must rise above fatal mistakes, must rise above the bliss of total annihilation.

Time for a new existence, time for a new god, time to find some fouled spark plug, reach deep into its fleshy groin and make the change that will reverse the flow of this horror show.

PHOTO FROM A LUCIO FULCI FILM

After starting the season 5-2 the Saints as they are want to do rallied to lose the next 5 straight and good old quarterback what’s his face? Got hiss pee pee snapped against his old team, that’s right, titty baby Brady. 

Seems that hit fouled a spark plug that needs to be changed, who knew that Marlboro (Winston? What’s the difference?) man is a robot?

The Saints winning four of the last five games proved futile as they missed the playoffs for the first time since 2016, all they had to do was beat the God Damn Eagles but did they do it? 

Gave up a 40 burger to Philly. 

Being able to see through the veneer that covered his quarterback and realizing he was a godless automaton Sean Peyton walked away with three years left on his contract knowing a flaming shit show when he saw one. I don’t blame you coach. I wanted to do the same thing but I have a lifetime contract that can’t be broken.

So somebody has to get up in Marb’s ass and change a spark plug? 

Heck, I’ll do it.

Does a robots ass stink?

I watched a video for instructions, for this type of cyborg the power supply is always located in the crotch area. The crotch area?

According to the video it’s as easy as spreading the legs and looking for a small metal box with four tiny (you’ll need a jewelers screwdriver) screws.

The biggest issue is the location of said plug box. It’s near, well.

Sounds like a swell time is coming my way.

Just got to break into the locker room, get him all alone and explain the procedure that must be done, he seems level headed enough, I’m certain he’ll get it. Use my “jewelers” screwdriver undo four tiny screws and change the fouled plug. I got a new one on robotrus.com  Simple, what could go wrong.

As I was doing the surgery he smiled, a lot, smiles that made me most uncomfortable, “Stop looking at me like that dude, this is for the team!” He just kept grinning and saying “You give the best Deshaun I’ve ever had, please never stop,” he purred,

I had to run when sparks started shooting out of his giant metal….

Went all the way there and this is all I got? 

I don’t think it worked. 

Have you seen any film from camp? That leg brace? He limps worse than I do when I’m on a three day toot, but to see Michael Thomas on the field? Well, chills.

So now they have delayed Alvin’s trial until the end of September which means if he does indeed get suspended for his “Assumed maleficence” it will be late in the year before he has to miss games, so if this “fuzzy slippers” of a team wants to step up and make a run at the playoffs? 

Whoa, whoa, calm down, what are you saying?

Fifth worst offense in football, go on let that sink in.

Hold on now, Top 7 in all three (passing, rush, scoring) major categories on defense don’t forget number 5 overall in sacks. With studs like Cam (frankly could be the best defensive end in football, excellent in both pass rush and slapping running backs in the teeth) Jordan, Demario (the on field coach, oh, and madman) Davis and a secondary that some say is top three in the entire league and now with an infusion of some new LSU blood? They could be faster and meaner than ever. 

Here Kitty Kitty

Now where were we on that miserable offense again? 

Jameis has a new spark plug. Trust me I have motor oil on my arm to prove it. What? What do you mean it’s not motor oil? That means I’ve been Watson’d? Son of a Bitch.

Which brings us to Dennis Allen, my son the Raider fan (he could not help himself, he fell on his soft spot and leaked a whole lot of ichor) absolutely HATES Mister Allen. Only thing I can own to is during his tenure the defense went from number 31 overall to number 5, hell top ten three consecutive years. 

All he has to do is plug in Sir Electric Happy Pants, don’t forget about Alvin’s suspension, then get Chris Olave involved, need to find a way to allow Jarvis Landry to stretch the field and look underneath for the legend himself, Number 13.

Let’s just (hope?) say that old limpy throws a cap then we can call on the Red (best nickname ever) Rocket, you wish just once in your life someone would call you that. Then look out bitches this team really could make sparks shoot out of everyone’s package.

Use your imagination this team could win 6, hell, maybe 7 games.

WHO DAT OR DIE 

Mon entrejambe pue

The screw photo is of Santa’s ass, sorry Santa but you did it for a good reason most people when they show their ass do it for money.

I want to say the Fulci film is the brilliant “City Of the Dead”  but I can’t swear on it.

Start this just as you start the article, shit, read slow.