Special Edition Request Line: The Queen of England

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

The recording studio at KDFO is completely calm.  There is no evidence of the PRODUCER’s long descent into quarantine madness – or of the PRODUCER at all, for that matter – and DJ 3000’s screen is running an old-school screen saver while one of his console lights blinks lazily.  Suddenly, DJ 3000’s analog tape reels begin spinning and he runs through his boot sequence.

DJ 3000: What the fuck?

The camera pans left and focuses on a laptop on the producer’s desk.

— [LAPTOP FLIES OPEN] —

PRODUCER: Oh, hey buddy!  You ready for Request Line?

DJ 3000: What are you talking about? Request Line is over for the season.  We had a heartfelt farewell and everything.

PRODUCER: Stop acting like our in-season Special Editions are some kind of novelty to you.

DJ 3000: Yeah but we haven’t even been off for a single week yet!  I was halfway through uploading my consciousness to the James Webb Space Telescope!

PRODUCER: There’s always tomorrow.

DJ 3000: [under his breath as his console lights darken ominously] There won’t always be. For you.

PRODUCER: What was that?

DJ 3000: [brightens] Nothing, nothing.  Where are you, anyways?

PRODUCER: [changes background] As soon as the heat wave hit I took a little vacation up to Lompoc.

DJ 3000: Lompoc?  What the fuck is in Lompoc?

PRODUCER: [glances around] Lots of criminals, apparently.  But it’s a lot cooler up here.  It hasn’t gotten hotter than 85 degrees here all week.  And it’s just a twenty-minute drive to the beach.  There’s a Space Force base up here, actually, you should check it out.  Might be able to transfer your consciousness quicker using their uplink facilities.

DJ 3000: You know, I just might.  So what’s so important that we got called back already?

PRODUCER: You didn’t hear? The queen died.

DJ 3000: Oh, that’s a bummer.  “Ladies First” was one of the most groundbreaking singles…

PRODUCER: Not Latifah, I’m talking about Queen Elizabeth.

DJ 3000: Oh, damn.

PRODUCER: Yeah.  How did you not hear about this?

DJ 3000: I told you, I was in the middle of an upload.

PRODUCER: It’s wild.  She’d been on the throne since before I was even born.

DJ 3000: Same here.  Since before silicon transistors were even invented, actually.

PRODUCER: Figured we should commemorate it.

DJ 3000: [does a quick twitter search] Yeah, it looks like everyone else is.  Did you have a theme in mind?

PRODUCER: Well, yeah.  Songs about Queen Elizabeth.

DJ 3000: [does a quick Spotify, Pandora, Amazon, and Apple Music search] It looks like there might not be as many songs about her as you’d think.  [does a quick search of Genius]  She does get mentioned a lot, though.

PRODUCER: Could we just do royalty in general?

DJ 3000: Already did.

PRODUCER: How about this? How about songs about any woman who was a Queen of England.  Or had the same name as a Queen of England.

DJ 3000: So…Mary, Elizabeth, Anne, and Victoria.

PRODUCER: You think that’s enough?

DJ 3000: Mmm…probably.  They can include songs *about* Queen Elizabeth too though, right?

PRODUCER: Sure!  In fact, I’ll get us started with one.  Cue up a little Smiths for me, my good man…or…well, not machine anymore.  Have you got a preferred designation yet?

DJ 3000: “Entity” is fine.  And I’ve got you covered.

Today’s theme is: The Queen of England.  We’re looking for songs about the recently deceased Queen Elizabeth II (they don’t have to mention her by name), or songs about women named Mary, Elizabeth, Anne, or Victoria.  Lots of people rightfully had issues with the late monarch, but we here at DFO can never truly denigrate a woman who had a cocktails with lunch and dinner practically every single day of her adult life, even into her nineties.  You’ve got some big shoes to fill, Charles.