One might have imagined a reversion to normalcy, after a chaotic-as-fuck Week One.  One would be wrong.  Better type this shit up before my brain melts.

As y’all know, the transitive property doesn’t work with football.  Otherwise, as Dok noted, Detroit was on pace to become the NFL’s best squadron.  They basically did “Trading Places” with their Week 1 performance, running out to a huge lead (partially thanks to some patented Dakota Jeebus Dumbfuckery) and then holding on for dear life.  Now, the Commies DID pull within one score several times…but DET always answered immediately.  That’s probably a good sign, if this team is “flawed, but growing.”  Who knows, but it’s a fun ride – especially FOAR the Sun God (who went nuts running and receiving).  Th’Andre Swift had a wacky pinball receiving TD, and Buster played clean (4 TDs, no picks).  The competitive portion of the game ended with a missed extra point, which made the (failed) onside kick irrelvant.  Hard Knocks 36, Red Army 27.  Both scores are multiples of nine, which I find mathematically pleasing.

I’m going back to very short recaps of Team MRSA, as call after Q4 call bailed out The Shield’s Most FavoUred Nation.  A 3-3 slobberknocker ended up 20-10, Bad Guys.  Rapey Jameis is terrible while playing with fractured vertebrae, big surprise.  MRSA Dreamboat looks cooked, but he’ll always get a helping hand (and East German horse steroids) to “come back.”  Fuck him, fuck the whole team.  Fun fight with multiple ejections, at least.

As we have discussed, #ThePauls are quite bi-curious.  Teased us with lots of KHunt Week 1, but went All Chubb Week 2.  Combined with a very efficient effoUrt by Jacoby Brissett (ok, playing the Jest helps), they had a 2-score lead with 2:02 to play.  No timeouts remaining for Jersey B.  Missed the extra point for 30-17, but who cares, right?  Fun fact noted by Spur – had Chubb taken a knee at 1 (after getting the first down), CLE could have gone victory formation.  But he scored.

And then chaos happened.

The worst failure in the whole chain of events was the blown coverage against Corey Davis, for a WIDE OPEN 66-yard TD from Mr. ELITE.  Even he couldn’t fuck that up.  Still, when was the last time you saw an onside kick work?  Well, you saw it today.  But Flacco still had to get them into the end zone, and he did it – bit by bit.  NINE plays, but a 1-point lead with 0:22 left.

And they COULD have still Jets’d it up.  Brissett ran almost to midfield, got out of bounds.  Believeland still had a timeout.  A 7-10 yard (or more would help) completion gets you a chip and a chair for the winning FG.  Cade York has a very big leg.  But Jacoby forced matters (shout out to 11-game clipboard holder) and got picked off.  31-30, what insanity.  Both squadrons are now 1-1, but with vastly differing momentum.  Which of course, is just tomorrow’s starting pitcher.

If that wasn’t cray-cray enough, head over to Charm City.  The Ratbirds returned the opening kickoff for 6, then Lamar! basically played cat and mouse with the LOLfins for 3 full quarters.  It was 35-14 (despite Balmer not scoring on an early drive inside the 1), and felt worse.  I very pre-maturely wrote Tua’s obituary.  He threw FOUR TD PASSES IN Q4.  Three to tie things at 35, before Justin Tucker made a long FG with 2:18 to play.  Then came #4, and Lamar! could only get into Hail Mary range.  His prayers went unanswered, and Miami gets the most improbable of 42-38 road wins.  Tua’s final line – 400 + niiiiiice passing, 6 TDs.  Holy shit, if you played him in fantasy.  Lamar! had 11.0 YPA passing, OVER 13.0 YPA rushing…and fucking LOST.

One team would pitch a shutout today, and if you guessed it would be the Jaguras, you’d be a fucking liar.  But that’s what happened, 24-zip in Duuuuuuvvvvvaaaalllll.  Matty Ice went 16-30 for 195, three pickerceptions.  YIKES.  It would make Week 1’s Redcateds/Commies win look much better, had they not…also played today.  SEE, no transitive property.  Prison Girlfriend put in the steady game manager performance that Irsay thought his charges would be getting.  Don’t try to predict things in the Surly Duff Division.  That path leads to madness.

It looked for a very long, uncomfortable while like the 500s would take charge of things, at 1-0-1 (insurmountable lead!).  But as in Week 1, Q4 was very much not their friend.  Despite multiple coaching/game management brain farts (starting to look like a pattern) and a horribly cold start, Charmslinger finally got the Donks into the end zone, and a 13-9 lead they would never relinquish.  One extra FG made it 16-9, and the defense held on.  Davis Mills does look like maybe he has something – but got very little help.  Donks Concern Meter is very concerning.  But 1-1 means we limp on for now.

Their accursed Week 1 foe SeaTruthers are also 1-1, after a Santa Clara spanking.  They’d have also been shut out, but for a blocked FG (after a Tomsulas drive ended inside the 5) returned for a TD.  That made it 20-7, and it would end 27-7.  Never really competitive.  We got to see the gruesome ankle break of Trey Lance, and Janeane’s shit-eating grin as she re-took the reins.  It was weird, but quite effective.

The Legend of White Mac squared off against Bollo del Verdad, noted titty-kisser.  It was as bad as you’d expect, 17-14 to the P*ts.  Grumblelord will have loved the ending, churning first down after first down rushing, bleeding the game clock dry.  But it wasn’t much to watch.  But like so many, both combatants are now 1-1, with a season that could go any which way.

Los Gigantes forced two Q1 Black Panther turnovers, and the rout could have been on.  But both ensuing short-field drives ended in FGs.  Charlotte then ran off the next 13 points, and the narrative looked set,  But Dimebag equalized immediately, throwing to a bunch of dudes I have never heard of.  Q4 was a FG kicking contest, which NYG won 2-1.  And thus won the game 19-16.  Matt Rhule is your Ded Coach Walking, just a matter of when.  Jersey A is 2-0, though I don’t quite take them seriously.  Yet.  But Daboll is clearly a vast improvement.  Give them a real QB, and watch that franchise rocket.

Sherman’s Ashes bored the shit out of everyone for three quarters, and despite much chucklefuckery from The Gospel According to Fatthew, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! had that most famous of leads, 28-3.  They took their foot off the gas, had a punt blocked for a TD, and all of a sudden the 2-pointer made it 31-25.  Mariota even got the ball back with a chance to take the lead, but LA’s defense woke up.  We got a fun intentional safety (taking the clock down to 6 seconds), but then a fucked-up free kick out of bounds that put the ball at midfield, 31-27.  That’s realistic Hail Mary range, but the pressure swallowed Mariota before he could get a throw off.  31-27 it would end.

EVERY.  DAMNED.  SEASON.  I get burned by not believing in the Superb Owl hangover.  And today, Joe Burrow went to JerralWorld and got outplayed (even taking into account how badly his OL fucked him over) by Cooper Rush.  No, seriously.  Cooper.  Rush.  Still, Burrow managed to pull his squadron even, with 2 FGs, a long TD drive plus two – 17-all, with about 5 minutes to play.  WKRP forced a N-GCp punt, but starting from inside the 10, Burrow couldn’t manage a first down, let alone the winning score.  Rush got the ball back and surprisingly moved it well (for the first time since very early in the game).  Bill Maher hit the winner from 50 at the gun, and everyone will pretend Dallas is relevant for another week.  They aren’t, Cincy is just borked.  20-17 is your final.

Mostly, the late window was pedestrian at best, with lots of shite play.  As fitting 5 games with NINE 0-1 participants, entering today.  Again being premature and stupid, I queried whether the Qards were the worst team in the NFL.  Vegas walked out to a 20-zip halftime lead, but would regret not keeping the boot on AZ’s neck.  Still, a turnover on downs meant That’s Rikki’s Raiders! had the ball and a 23-7 Q4 lead.

Wee Kyler managed a decent scoring drive, followed by a scramble drill 2-point conversion.  TV timed his running about at 20.8 seconds on the stopwatch (since was an untimed down), and estimated he ran well over 80 yards on the play!  You’d think he’d be exhausted, but he sure wasn’t done.  Getting the ball back at 23-15 with under 5:00 to play, he overcame several weak drops and kept moving into Raiders territory.  Defensive holding bailed them out and gave them four shots at 1st and goal from the 4.  They would need all four, with another scramble drill ending in another Wee Kyler scoring run.  23-21, no time left.

McDaniels calls his last timeout, as coaches do (for no great reason).  But Koach Kliff Kares about this disruption, futzes about until he gets a delay of game BLEERGH.  Fucking moron.  But Wee Kyler bailed Kliff out, finding AJ Green (who had several dropsies earlier) for a nice catch at the back of the end zone.  Or did he?  We got heavy hints about “ball moving but maybe not enough to overturn” from Pereira, and indeed “Call Stands” after a lengthy delay.  23-all, we get Extra Time!

Qards get the ball first, as one would 100% want under the circumstances.  They got to the veeeerrrrryyyy outside of possible FG range, but made the smart choice to go for it on 4th and short.  Wee Kyler made a great throw, but Hollywoo Brown still can’t catch, and the (somewhat close) drop turns it over on downs.

As Vegas got near the AZ the 40, the Qards defense chopped the ball free from Hunter Renfrow on a 3rd down reception.  But the one Raider outfought the two Qards for possession, sigh of relief from the home folks.  Emo Carr went back to Renfrow, and he fumbled AGAIN.  This time, it gets pinballed around for what seemed a dog’s age, before an AZ defensive back FINALLY picked it up and ran it all the way back.  Series of “almosts” – Renfrow’s knee was almost down, but pretty clearly not.  An earlier-in-the-chain defender almost had possession while down and in contact with a Raider.  Almost, but fairly clearly not.  And then craziest, the idiot defender almost doing a Full DeSean Jackson at the goal line, hotdogging it and holding the ball like a loaf of bread, losing possession (through the end zone for a would-be touchback) an instant after crossing the plane.  Almost x3, and thie third one was close enough for “Call Stands” redux, after yet another long review.

Big.  Exhale.  And we still have Q-aaron and his owned Bearistocrats! still to go.  But dear readers, my mind is shot.  You will get only the bare bones from me, as it’s 10-7 already and I have no clue how any of it happened..  Fuck’s sake, THEN I noticed the game was in Lambeau (so no chance for an upset, even today).  I continued watching, but half-assedly and only because I am too wired/caffeinated to sleep.  Bay of Green wins, 27-10.  Both squadrons join the masses at 1-1 for the season.

I like FITBAW.  And we have two very good Monday Nighters still to come.