You folks have, no doubt, heard of the game of soccer, haven’t you? Have you ever wondered how that game came to be? Well then sit right down, because Grandpa Stupid has a whopper of a story to tell you.

Soccer, it turns out, began in a faraway land, across the sea, in a country called Switzerland. Picture a lovely meadow and pasture with a humble farmer. I will take you there with our minds, just hold my hand and drift along with me.    

   Now this farmer, well he raised goats and two of those were really sharp bucks. These two Billie’s just loved to romp and play.

One day, the farmer was out in the pasture, when he noticed the goats were slowly kicking around what can only be described as a round ball of goat shit. As he continued to watch he noticed something in the manner of their movements that stood out. It was the way they moved tediously back and forth on the grass in such an uninteresting fashion.

It was painfully boring to watch.

To the farmer it sort of resembled some type of game, he watched closer, he could see that two goats were slowly trying to kick the dung ball into a discarded spittoon and when it went in? Why it sent everyone watching into a drug crazed mania, and with that, the game of soccer was born.

The World Cup, hours and hours of mind numbing drudgery.

Now, how about some fun facts about Switzerland? Did you know that in the 1690’s they invented fondue? But in those days to keep it warm one was forced to keep the cheese between their knees or their cheese would freeze due to the absolutely frigid temperatures.

How in the anal bleeding hell can you play soccer in the snow? 

Did you know that Richard Ramirez was fond of using a Swiss army knife to disembowel his victims? More on that later.

YES I HAD JUST WATCHED “THE PURGE”

Anybody in need of a fiercely expensive watch? They are known for that too. The whole Swiss movement thing? It’s real. And let’s not forget about the Matterhorn it’s not just a ride it’s a big ass mountain. Oh and sausage, something about they REALLY LIKE sausage, I mean to a kind of sick, scary level.

Soccer in Switzerland? Really? Yes wise ass they really do play soccer in the Himalayas. 

In fact once during the 1930’s they were actually pretty Okay. Sorry about lying I really should curtail that you know? Actually they were terrible, but good for being cheese and watch fans.

They actually at one point held a World Cup record! Some stopping of “goal scoring” record that I completely forgot.

 Let’s get into the roster shall we? This should be magical.

They have some dude named Fabian. He must be good because he also plays for Newcastle and Gods Damn it those are some tasty brews. He’s teased and called “Peppermint Patty” by his mates.

The next goober has been given the name XHerdan. I don’t know if he plays elsewhere as I did not bother to check, but, he does hail from Yugoslavia, wait, what? Yugoslavia, seriously what the dirty word is that? He is called “Stinky” by his teammates.

And last on this list but third in our hearts, none other than some guy named Harris. Don’t know if that’s a last name or a first, again I did zero research. At least he comes from the region and he is good enough to play on something called the Chicago Fire whatever the hell that is. They simply call him “Bumpy cupcakes.”

With a formidable roster like that and a head coach that has years of heart pounding experience? Yes I did make that part up, this team is destined to fall out of the tournament without winning a single match.

Winning? How about scoring just one goal? Send the fans at home into an absolute tizzy!

Just one goal men.

While doing all this “research” I was trying to find some fine examples of Switzerland’s finest fans and could find nothing, what no cute swiss ladies? 

Hey baby you ever seen a fat man naked?

All I got was Swiss Miss Cocoa packets and I was not sure how well those would be received so I chose another path. Something much more sinister, like you’ve come to expect out of me.

How about art work done by one of the most notorious killers of my generation, none other than, You know him, you can’t live without him (wait, he’s dead, who cares? Push on the end is in sight) original hand drawn Richard Ramirez craziness! With so much free time and all that madness in his head?

All he needed was a pencil.

See not so scary

Just to be serious for a moment; Switzerland has never invaded any foreign lands, destroying everyone just because of their skin color and then stealing everything in sight for themselves, like some other horrible nations have. In fact it’s one of the most welcoming countries in the world.

Almost forgot, they do have some pretty sweet pocket knives, with those cute little white flags on them and I just love those little toothpicks, so practical.

Well that was more fun than I thought it was going to be, as always thanks for reading. Without you there is no me.

DJ Taj 10-2022

Lave-moi dans le sang de Jésus