Q & A-hole: Inaugural Edition

Welcome to the inaugural Q & A-hole, where the questions are made up and the answers don’t matter. But also questions of any type are welcome below, and I’ll do my best to answer or at least make jokes at your expense (offer not available in all 50 states, your experience may vary, do not participate in Question and Asshole if you are pregnant or expecting to become pregnant, no purchase necessary, no payments or interest until 2023, and no parking).

Q: What is this rash?

A: Cancer. It’s always cancer.

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Q: The Broncos have the most players on I.R. in the NFL… Again.

A: Please present all inquiries in the form of a question. But yes, there’s been a serious problem with injuries for about 4 seasons now. Some of it is because we adopted a draft strategy of scooping up guys who would be day 1 picks if they could stay healthy, and they inevitably don’t. Some of it is because Greek, the longtime Broncos trainer and sports medicine guru, stepped back significantly from his role prior to retiring last year. The Walmart people are looking into it. Nothing to do but wait for nothing to change and never hear about the problem again until someone else gets hurt at practice.

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Q: Hackett is fired but Wilson isn’t going anywhere. Are we still doomed?

A: Maybe! Keep in mind that this historically poor offense is a topic of conversation because of how unexpected it was – prior to the season, nobody predicted this could possibly happen. As with any wildly unexpected data point, it’s unwise to completely revise every conclusion right away. Russell Wilson is still incredibly talented, our drafting has been solid, and the defense is still dominant. It’s much more likely that a rookie head coach couldn’t produce good results than for a perennial all-star QB to have secretly been terrible forever or have suddenly turned into a pumpkin.

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Q: Help! I’m drunk on hatred and panic, and all I want to do is keep doom scrolling Broncos forums! What should I do?

A: This may not be helpful but my advice is to change nothing unless it’s legitimately lowering your day to day quality of life. Being a football fan is about being entertained, and if you’re getting any entertainment out of the surprise nightmare of this situation, keep reading, commenting and watching. Yes, winning is more fun. But living through an unprecedented and poorly understood disaster can also be fun when it doesn’t affect your daily life. If you legitimately can’t function because a football team is bad, consult a medical professional.

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Q: I can’t force myself to watch the Broncos anymore but I’m not ready to give up on football. Do I have to bandwagon another team?

A: Not a bad idea, but I’d suggest watching whichever game has the most compelling story behind it. Normally I’d recommend NFL RedZone but with only a week of regular season left, seek out the stories that spark your interest and root for interesting outcomes instead of for a specific team. Will Shanahan and the 9ers make it back to the Super bowl, with Brock Purdy under center no less? Can the Bills overcome the Chiefs? Will the Eagles fall apart just shy of the promised land? There’s plenty of good drama left to enjoy.

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Q: Is the pro bowl worth my time?

A: Almost definitely not. They made changes to the format this year but it has a track record of being disappointing television. Try watching Andor or Cyberpunk Edgerunners instead.

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Q: Who are you and why should I care about your opinions?

A: Honey, this is your father. Your mother and I are worried about you and we don’t know how to help. Please, just try to tell us what’s bothering you. We love you, no matter what you’re going through. We might even be able to make it better if you tell us about it.

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Q: Are the Cowboys good?

A: The Cowboys occupy a quantum superposition wherein they are both great and terrible simultaneously until observed by the human eye. Once observed they will occupy only one of these positions, the selection of which appears to be random. They will regain their superposition once no longer actively observed by a viewing audience.

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Q: What will you do when the NFL season is over?

A: I will wait, unmoving, for the commencement of the XFL season. I love spring football and I’m not bothered by how trash it is. This should be obvious given the fact I watched every Broncos game this year.

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That’s all for now. Comments are open for additional questions, or if you miss your window please feel free to send your question to me for the next roundup so I can ignore them and make up some more fake ones.