Welcome to the inaugural Q & A-hole, where the questions are made up and the answers don’t matter. But also questions of any type are welcome below, and I’ll do my best to answer or at least make jokes at your expense (offer not available in all 50 states, your experience may vary, do not participate in Question and Asshole if you are pregnant or expecting to become pregnant, no purchase necessary, no payments or interest until 2023, and no parking).
Q: What is this rash?
A: Cancer. It’s always cancer.
—
Q: The Broncos have the most players on I.R. in the NFL… Again.
A: Please present all inquiries in the form of a question. But yes, there’s been a serious problem with injuries for about 4 seasons now. Some of it is because we adopted a draft strategy of scooping up guys who would be day 1 picks if they could stay healthy, and they inevitably don’t. Some of it is because Greek, the longtime Broncos trainer and sports medicine guru, stepped back significantly from his role prior to retiring last year. The Walmart people are looking into it. Nothing to do but wait for nothing to change and never hear about the problem again until someone else gets hurt at practice.
—
Q: Hackett is fired but Wilson isn’t going anywhere. Are we still doomed?
A: Maybe! Keep in mind that this historically poor offense is a topic of conversation because of how unexpected it was – prior to the season, nobody predicted this could possibly happen. As with any wildly unexpected data point, it’s unwise to completely revise every conclusion right away. Russell Wilson is still incredibly talented, our drafting has been solid, and the defense is still dominant. It’s much more likely that a rookie head coach couldn’t produce good results than for a perennial all-star QB to have secretly been terrible forever or have suddenly turned into a pumpkin.
—
Q: Help! I’m drunk on hatred and panic, and all I want to do is keep doom scrolling Broncos forums! What should I do?
A: This may not be helpful but my advice is to change nothing unless it’s legitimately lowering your day to day quality of life. Being a football fan is about being entertained, and if you’re getting any entertainment out of the surprise nightmare of this situation, keep reading, commenting and watching. Yes, winning is more fun. But living through an unprecedented and poorly understood disaster can also be fun when it doesn’t affect your daily life. If you legitimately can’t function because a football team is bad, consult a medical professional.
—
Q: I can’t force myself to watch the Broncos anymore but I’m not ready to give up on football. Do I have to bandwagon another team?
A: Not a bad idea, but I’d suggest watching whichever game has the most compelling story behind it. Normally I’d recommend NFL RedZone but with only a week of regular season left, seek out the stories that spark your interest and root for interesting outcomes instead of for a specific team. Will Shanahan and the 9ers make it back to the Super bowl, with Brock Purdy under center no less? Can the Bills overcome the Chiefs? Will the Eagles fall apart just shy of the promised land? There’s plenty of good drama left to enjoy.
—
Q: Is the pro bowl worth my time?
A: Almost definitely not. They made changes to the format this year but it has a track record of being disappointing television. Try watching Andor or Cyberpunk Edgerunners instead.
—
Q: Who are you and why should I care about your opinions?
A: Honey, this is your father. Your mother and I are worried about you and we don’t know how to help. Please, just try to tell us what’s bothering you. We love you, no matter what you’re going through. We might even be able to make it better if you tell us about it.
—
Q: Are the Cowboys good?
A: The Cowboys occupy a quantum superposition wherein they are both great and terrible simultaneously until observed by the human eye. Once observed they will occupy only one of these positions, the selection of which appears to be random. They will regain their superposition once no longer actively observed by a viewing audience.
—
Q: What will you do when the NFL season is over?
A: I will wait, unmoving, for the commencement of the XFL season. I love spring football and I’m not bothered by how trash it is. This should be obvious given the fact I watched every Broncos game this year.
—
That’s all for now. Comments are open for additional questions, or if you miss your window please feel free to send your question to me for the next roundup so I can ignore them and make up some more fake ones.
The Cowboys are chaotic evil. The Redacteds are neutral evil, the Eagles are chaotic neutral and the Giants neutral good.
Next, in extension to whoever said pick a footy team, you also have to pick a marble team and a fighting robot or six.
How do I deal with my football team winning the 2022 Super Bowl and being bad this season? Should I just be glad to have experienced the joy of winning the Super Bowl recently, or should I be a whiny cunt, like Boston fans?
Ok, for my real question…is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
It’s not just you – providing terrible advice from a comically myopic viewpoint is the only gateway to humor I have left.
For the first part of your question though, my best advice is to follow the bold example of our whiny friends in Boston and simply follow your franchise’s best players to their new teams and enjoy THAT super bowl run. That’s how I ended up a Bills fan!
ah, yes. Von “chickens are dope” MIller. I miss our Black hipster.
Me too. He was clutch for the Rams in the playoffs last season.
I see the IMPORTANT questions have not been asked yet.
How do you get your gf to do anal?
Anal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, butt if you’re looking for advice for yourself: find out what her ass likes to eat, and cover your dick in that before initiating sex. This will be irresistible to her rear end, and you will reap all the benefits.
.
Why don’t cat farts ever make any noise?
cat colons are shaped like a firearm silencer, granting them the unique evolutionary advantage of not alerting predators when they rip one
The important one is of course “Do you take off your wrestling mask and boxing gloves before you go to bed?”
The gloves stay on during sex, Marzipan
I’ve been hanging with my bro’ in an undisclosed location just, y’know, doing what we manly bros do & thinking it’d be a bit of harmless fun to get on twitter and flame Greta Thunberg. Is that a good idea?
I mean sure, but what are your lunch plans?
“A: Cancer. It’s always cancer.”
Well, it’s never lupus.
After reading your (very entertaining) post, I suddenly have the urge to lock Jerry Jones in a steel chamber with a bit of Cesium 137 and a Geiger counter attached to a hammer and glass vial of hydrocyanic acid. Is this normal?
Hi! Thank you for the kind words, it means a lot. The experiment you’re describing appears to have a strong design, and enthusiasm for scientific experimentation should always be encouraged. Remember to always thoroughly record your results, both visually and with proper notation!
Is it too early to start taking down the Christmas decorations?
This year we took the decorations out of storage on Thanksgiving, set them on the table still packed, and then put them back in storage on Christmas. This is the new appropriate guideline for decoration timing. Plus if you never unpack them they stay in great condition!
To be faiŕrrerr3errrr, we didn’t put up many and was done on the 24th as we had the family over on xmas day and didnt want to look like total Grinches. So with you on the barely Decorating thing. I did Decorate outside but taking that down is weather dependent as I need to be on a ladder.
Exterior decorating takes a lot of work, I’ll try it when they invent that Christmas decorations gun from The Grinch
*Splooosh *
Before the Super Bowl?
/updates “Possible Unitarian” Excel
What makes a good man… go bad?
If memory serves, if you don’t let them please, please, please, get what they want. Lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time
sounds legit
Hey, I have a question: Who’s Johnny?
Followup question: Here’s Johnny?
Oh, boy. Now you’re gonna get Weird Al’s people after us.
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/11dcebac-ee6a-4f72-8eef-e9acdd311774
Oh jeez, I really got weasels on my face with that goof up
Le sigh. Here is the REAL question.
Is Johnny?
A. Good
B.Good
“Are the Cowboys good?”
No. The answer is no.
Sure, sure. But do you have PROOF? Where are the multiple interceptions per half? The failures of the defense to stifle poor offenses? The lack of inspired and engaged coaching??
Wrong checklist.
I, um, I, uh, I mean….
I mean the answer is “yes”, it’s just that there’s so much of it that trying to find a starting point has overloaded what I laughingly call a brain.
I fucking *hate* that nightmarish Raiders losses stay with me any longer than a few hours. I wish I could be a proper fair weather fan, although in that case I guess I wouldn’t be able to be a fan at all.
IMO the key is to enjoy the pain. It’s healthier to be a masochist than to let the pain fuck up your mood
Uh…. Hi Al.
First time long time here. Question: what’s your recreational drug of choice (day to day) and, second part, how have you changed that up for broncos games as the season has — i don’t even know if this word can be used in the same sentence as the ’22 Denver Broncos — progressed?
I’ll take your answers off the air. Calling card has limited minutes left. Thx.
I first read that as “AI” as in artificial intelligence and was like, what does Russell Wilson have to do with any of this?
By default I microdose psilocybin and each time the broncos lose I increase my daily dosage. By this method I have successfully become king of the little people who live in my arms and the gentle beast who eats my poops tells me I’m more handsome now
Also being called Al makes me sad, please don’t
THIS GUY ALEX DEMOTE I CALL HIM ART GARFUNKEL BECAUSE CALLING HIM AL WILL DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.
If you legitimately can’t function because a football team is bad, consult a medical professional.
“I have. He sent me out to play with them the next game.”
New guy is gonna leave when he tries to post an image here.
He’s fine. Just doesn’t know what to do with his hands.
It’s just a back spasm, he’s fine
-NFL upstairs medical team
“Jesus Christ it’s like a horror movie.” – an encephalopathist, looking at Tua’s latest scan
This is AT LEAST as ominous as you intended but given that I’m a wordpress newbie my lack of understanding makes this even spookier
Choose wisely:
100% ketchup stan, get that catsup bullshit out of here
yes
Catsup. It’s catsuperior. But shorter.
Catsup is like go-gurt, but to stay. Unconscionable
You are certifiably insane, and should be locked up.
Longtime caller, first time listener here.
Can the Jaguars beat the Titans and get into the playoffs? Thanks. I’ll hang up, take the radio apart and then put it back together while the next batch is cooking in the bathtub.
DDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!1!!!eleven!!!
Hey there LTC FTL! I’ve consulted my almanac and it does look like historically the Titans would take this one – that said, farmers don’t know shit about football and TLaw has been harvesting Ws while the Tits have shriveled through the back half. I expect a close, sloppy, but ultimately satisfying win for them Jags down there in the Dew Vault.
Most deF. TEN has no QB and, unlike Baltimore, gets zero sympathy for having dollar-store WRs.
This. The new guy comported himself respectably enough last night, but like all of them, the Tits are doomed to fall.
I have a soft spot for Tits fans but I don’t root for their team. It’s the nurturing mother in me, I just can’t help but scoop them up and disinfect their knee scrapes
I’m the other way. After what they did to the Chiefs in the 2017 season playoffs I will always have a soft spot in my heart for them. Bengals, too, after last year. And to a much lesser degree the Bucs.
That was on 2018’s Día de Reyes. I still had no electricity at home and hooked up an inverter to watch it. It was also ref Jeff Tripplette’s last game too and he shafted KC with a forward progress call that negated a TEN fumble. A dynamite, happy day.
Oh, that’s right! There’s no way the NFL lets the Titans get away with a win there now that Mahomes and the Chiefs have attained “most favored team” status.
AND, it was Darrelle Revis’s last game. He got smoked when Mariota caught his own pass and scored a TD. Kelce was knocked out of the game in the 1st half, when the Chefs were coasting.
And some TEN fans wanted the team out of the playoffs to get Mularkey fired. This is richer than any possible Tits fan fic.
It’s fun to watch Dobbs play just for the narrative but it’s the damn truth, their team has no pieces to play with in the passing game