Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 18, 2022 Season

Macro level, this has been a very entertaining season.  Hard to predict, which is good for the soul, taking our minds away from the crushing drudgery of everyday life.

Special shout out to the Jaguras and Tits, who fought their asses off Saturday night.  This Surly Duff is for y’all.

Speaking of that division, how about those plucky 500s!  Hobo Lovie Smith has too much pride to suck for Bryce Young, and Davis Mills decided not to cede way for his successor so easily.  Houston led by ten twice, then fell behind, then made TWO amazing 4th and long conversions on their final drive, the 2nd being a Hail Mary TD that went right through the defender’s hands.  When someone says “that team just doesn’t know how to win” they mean the 2022 Fat Humps.  They go for two, get it and win 32-31.  Pick #2 it is, despite the front office’s machinations.

More meaningful to the sane(ish), three AFC teams battled for the 7 seed.  New England needed no outside help, but had the toughest matchup (at BUF).  Miami was home to the reeling Jets, but had to go with their 3rd string QB.  Yinzburgh needed the MOST help, but #ThePauls at home seemed a straightforward ask.

It didn’t go smoothly for anyone.   Even after Nyheim Hines ran the opening kickoff back for a score, to delight the Bills Mafia.  The P*ts just lingered like the cabbage fart they collectively resemble.  But then Hines took ANOTHER kickoff back in the 2nd half, and it’s nigh impossible to survive giving up multiple special teams TDs.  Buffalo see-sawed back between 1 and 2 score leads, but won in the end, 35-23.  They could still back in with LOTS of help (ie, Fins and Yinzers both lose) but by that point in time…they knew it wasn’t in the cards.

PIT did trail early, and started very skittishly on offense.  But Uncle Jack eventually settled down, and ended up with a mostly-comfortable 28-14 win.  Good for Coach Epps, who keeps his ridiculous “no losing seasons” alive at 9-8.  Not bad after a 2-6 start.

But alas, there would not be a Elite QB performance from Joe Flacco, meaning the Jets would have to win solely with their defense.  They ALMOST pulled it off, but Miami got a late FG then safety danced on the final, multi-lateral play of the game.  11-6 gets the Fish to 9-8 and an unconvincing playoff berth.

Miami will have to go to Buffalo next week, for their final beating.  Team WKRP will run it back with the 6-seeded Ratbords, after a 27-16 slopfest win against BAL’s 3rd stringers.  I kind of have a bad feeling about Cincy now, but hope I am wrong.  Lamar! ain’t going to walk through that door, unless I am badly misreading the tea leaves.

SKOL beat the hapless J Peterman/Tim Boyle Bearistocrats! 29-13.  Chi**** shall now pick 1st for the first fucking time since 1947, of course at a time when they don’t need a QB.  One presumes they will trade down for whoever gets the wettest for Bryce Young, but who knows.  These times be weird, y’all.

MRSA Dreamboat played a little to pad his stats, because that’s the kind of asshole he is.  They still lost inside Megatron’s Butthole, 30-17.  8-9, and hosting a playoff game.  Fuck right off.  Atlanta is an absolute hot mess, yet still managed to finish 7-10.

I shit you not – Touch of Downs played the entire game against N’Awlins.  His stat line?  5/15 for 43 yards and TWO pickerceptions.  The only Black Panther TD was scored by an offensive lineman, recovering a fumble in the end zone.  And CAR won the game, 10-7.  Steve Wilks almost certainly won’t get the permanent job, but he did some amazing temp work.

Pause for breath, them’s the early fixtures.  Maybe slightly better FITBAW overall than expected.  I never came close to napping, FFS.

The late Pentabox (h/t The Greatest Living American, who brings us so much RedZone joy) was a little more shit-filled.

Koach Kliff Kanned?  I mean, they started well – jumping out to a 7-nil lead on the first play.  But Blough was more-expected bleh after that, and Santa Clara would roll to a 38-13 win.  Tomsulas thusly take the 2nd seed in the NFC, and will presumably host The Narrative Packers in late primetime Saturday (again, just predicting).  At least The Narrative will have to face the hottest team in the NFL, and on the road.

No doubt most eyes were glued to Donks WOO!! closing the season on a high note.  5-12 is still goddamned awful, but (i) it was still against Clippers starters; and (ii) dinged some of the SeaTruthers’ pick value.  Charmslinger looked more like himself, improvising several nice plays and showing that he still has a big arm.  Maybe somebody can design a usable offense in 2023, who knows.  31-28 good guys, the Clips were locked into the 5 seed and a trip to DUUUUUUUVVVVAAAALLLLL regardless.  That will be a fun fucking game.

Talk about minimal confidence – the NFC East has regressed to normal form.  Philly had to hold on late to survive the Vertically Enhanced Persons’ practice squad (locked into the 6 seed, so playing for fuckshit – that Most Glorious Draw bought Jersey A a rest week), 22-16.  They limp into the playoffs, but at least with the Division and the first-round bye intact.  Giants/Vikings is the 6 vs. 3 in the NFC, and will get a shitty time slot (again, Hippo projects).

Turns out, they had the Division part no matter what, as Dallas laid a Very Non-Gendered egg in our nation’s capital.  Somehow, the N-GCp managed a TD right before the half (missing the extra point).  Good thing they finished that drive, because they never really managed another one (at least of any note) the rest of the way.  Maybe the Commies are done for the season, but their 8-8-1 final record is very mathematically pleasing.  26-6 was your final.  At least one of Dallas or MRSA has to lose next weekend.

SIGH.  RRRRRRRRAM IT!! absolutely had the ‘Truthers dead to rights.  But they let them off the mat, time and time again.  SEA would doink a FG at the gun (with the game tied at 16), win the toss and go 3-and-out…but still, the choking away would mean our plucky, fucky LioUns would only play for pride on SNF.

Since that is the case (and I filthily would have to ACTIVELY PULL for Q-aron to win)?  I ain’t watching a minute of Green Bay’s inevitable win.  At least it will keep “Loose Change Pete” (I can’t recall who named him thusly but it’s PERFECT) out of the tournament.  But Christ a’mighty, SO MUCH NARRATIVE.

Time for snoozies, and hopefully dream of the Bloodeyes’ JV NFL title that will absolutely not happen.

As always, it is a privilege and honoUr to write for this community.