Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Affection is when you see someone’s strengths; love is when you accept someone’s flaws [in bed].
Bonnie Franklin

This means that some one doesn’t do oral, right?

As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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https://phys.org/news/2023-01-milky-big-cosmological-wall.html

The universe is incomprehensibly massive. We amount to utterly nothing, and never will. Reality is an endless void. Enjoy Arby’s.
WCS

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Another way to look at it – you have the entire gamut of franchise QB models on display:

First Overall Pick – Joe Burrow
“Projectability” Mid-First/Development – Patrick Mahomes
Second Round Dart/Backup Floor – Jalen Hurts
Hail Mary Day Three Guy – Brock Purdy

I am so fucking sick of idiots saying there is only one way to get a franchise QB, and their “process” is the only way to compete.
King Hippo

I’d still consider Mahomes on the same level as Burrow. Burrow is a pro style franchise QB, but Mahomes is a playmaker who doesn’t put the ball in jeopardy.
Redshirt

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The articles speculating on if Garoppolo will start next week are hilarious to me. That job is Purdy’s, this year and next.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I am all in on WKRP going forward

2Pack

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Hmmm. If I could have changed one thing, it would have been for DAK! and co. to have run an amazing, incredible, miraculous, final play to score an almost impossible touchdown…

only to have Maher miss another P.A.T. for the most tortuous, & painful loss possible.
BeefReeferLives

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Hey today is Brick’s birthday!

Let’s all get together and buy him a present, to thank him for all those wonderful airplane engine pictures he inexplicably posts. Gosh I’ll bet he’s a cool guy.

He really likes lenses, like this one:
https://www.adorama.com/us1638995.html
Bill Johnson

Happy birthday!!

Would a Gently-Used Fleshlight do?
ballsofsteelandfury

If you gently use a fleshlight, you’re doing it wrong.

Fleshlights are dirty and need to be punished.
LongtimeLionsLoser

WCS

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Oooh, looks like I can get a 4 leg, round-the-world business class fare including 2 weeks in New Zealand for ~$3250….let’s see if I can get it under $3k, and maybe pay for half of it with AMEX points….
Doktor Zymm

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Don’t know if this is true, don’t care.

!!!BREAKING!!!

Matt Gaetz is believed to be having an affair with his press secretary, Joel Valdez, according to three independent sources.

Gaetz' office and his wife have not responded to requests for comment.

This is not Gaetz' first affair, nor is it his first w/a man.

— Rebekah Jones (@GeoRebekah) January 24, 2023

SonOfSpam

Man, i wouldn’t fuck Matt Gaetz with Lindsay Graham’s dick.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I haven’t been bowling in so long that I’ve forgotten what my best [bowling] scores were. I seem to remember being particularly thrilled at a 140.

I don’t think I ever broke 200.
ballsofsteelandfury

267 was my top game. Back in the 80’s I was a league bowler who carried a 178 average. Pretty much a 200 game each week.

That’s nothing. TAJ could kick the shit out of my game. His last year in league, just prior to the pandemic, he was flirting with a 200 average. Eldest brother can bowl like hell too. We started in junior leagues when I was about 8.
yeah right

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Update on sister and her crash. Just has a muscle sprain in back, but she, a severe germaphobe, had to wait for 4 hours in an ER waiting room to be told that in 10 minutes.

Also, the truck driver that literally trucked her car going highway speeds did stop a mile down the road and her insurance is in contact with her. Hopefully she gets a 20 or newer car and a big fat check. Life’s been hard on her all her life. She deserves a win.
Redshirt

“Just has a muscle sprain in back”

I’m sure you meant to say “has a debilitating back injury that will prevent her from enjoying her usual life’s activities, require the expenditure of significant sums of money for medical treatment, possibly including surgery, and which will prevent her from pursuing her usual course of employment, all to her loss and detriment”, but found it too wordy.
Horatio Cornblower

The extended family already discussed this. It also caused PTSD, anxiety, a speech impediment, $6,000 in student loan debt and a future down-payment on a condo in Mariemont.
Redshirt

Yes. Get that money and don’t ever feel even slightly guilty about it. The insurance company can afford it.
Gumbygirl

My little sister had to ask herself the questions “Am I alive?” and “Are all my body parts attached and do they still work?”

I want her to get a check that she can measure in “times my annual income”.
Redshirt

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What rule covers what you do when your ball just disappears like a magic trick?

That’s just a lost ball. Drop from where you last hit and take your penalty stroke.

Also, keep up the good work!
Mr. Ayo

“The fuck is a penalty stroke?”

Me playing golf
Sharkbait

Same question

-DeShaun Watson
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bob Kraft giggles and nods from the corner.
LemonJello

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Brutal

2Pack

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Distance of NFL stadiums from downtown

Doktor Zymm

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[goes to long-awaited appointment with blood specialist]
[heart doctor, thoracic specialist and family doctor have been waiting for her to weigh in]
[she has obviously not read my medical file, the first half-hour consists of me telling her what happened back in September and her clicking on the tests that were done]
Me: “No one has followed up on this-do I still have blood clots in my leg, heart and lungs?”

Doc: “It seems unlikely or one of the doctors would have said something. Do you have pain in the leg that had the blood clot?”

Me: ” No, but when it was there I didn’t experience any pain at the time.”

Doc: “Well, there were so many other things going on with you at the time, you probably didn’t notice.”

Me: “…”

/I’ll be contacting the other two specialists that have been hanging on this person’s word as far as direction was concerned and telling them what a shitshow that visit was
scotchnaut

Gotsta advocate for yourself!
Doktor Zymm

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I’m so fucking sick. I am dying to death! I used Instacart for the first time today, there was no way on earth either of us could go to the store. So at least we won’t die of starvation. Just Covid, yay! My tests haven’t come yet, but this can’t just be a cold.
Gumbygirl

“You’re my favorite. Don’t tell the others.” — Coronavirus
Dunstan

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Similar to champagne, it's only called Kobe beef if the cow was a rapist and died in a helicopter crash

— Alison After Dark 😈 (@AmericanHussy) January 26, 2023

Horatio Cornblower

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Earlier this week, the great BBQ place near me was offering 40% off their big meal packs of food. I reluctantly passed because I had groceries I needed to use and also, that’s a lot of food.

Well, today the deal was on again, so I’ve got a “lunch platter” for four (or one Andy Reid) headed my way. I have rationalized this on the grounds that (1) it’s too good a deal to pass up, and (2) hey, leftovers!

On the drinking front, I made a batch of rosemary simple syrup earlier this week, so I’m working on some new cocktails as well as revisiting this Sharkbait guest star .
Dunstan

You can always freeze stuff! I still have a chunk of smoked turkey in my freezer because I was not able to eat a Thanksgiving dinner for 6 over the space of 3 days. I should do something with that soon, maybe soup but seems kind of a waste
Doktor Zymm

Put it in a pot of beans!
Dunstan

“This tip brought to you by Jim Tomsula.”
LongtimeLionsLoser

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Wait, doesn’t everyone just buy wine based on the coolness of the bottle/label?
King Hippo

but hippo all the boxes of wine at my local donk-mart just have ‘WINE’ written on the front in times new roman
Alex_Demote

Doktor Zymm

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These wines should all be tasted from your finest Tupperware containers or, failing that, your cleanest dog dish. That tip comes straight from the horse’s mouth, chums.
BC Dick

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God, as much as I loved him tWBS’s taste in music was right down there with his ability to play poker.

Anyhoo, in today’s update of “Hey, what if we combined Covid with a kitchen/bathroom gut renovation?” I have progressed to basically just having a miserable head cold, (and truth be told I could probably butch it up a little on that), my son has just had Covid hit him and is laid out in his basement “apartment”, (fold-out couch in the basement), and the demolition phase is complete other than the now-confirmed-but-long-suspected need to replace the original iron plumbing, which will happen tomorrow.

Today they took the ceiling down from the kitchen area, which exposed the area between the ceiling and the second floor from two of the other 3 first floor rooms, (does your house not have two floors? Pity), and we have discovered so much shit, (literally, in the case of numerous piled of fossilized cat turds), including dozens of women’s stockings, (that’s not creepy at all), baseball cards, (Mint condition? Let’s say…no), old birthdays cards, glass medicine bottles, and correspondence from the ’50’s. My wife is now, and I am being 100% truthful on this, standing on a ladder with a headlamp on her head, a rake in one hand and a garbage can in the other clearing all of this stuff out, hoping against hope that, for some reason, the previous owner’s left a couple of gold bars in between the floors.
Horatio Cornblower

You may want to advise her to wear a mask. You don’t want 70 year old dust up your nostrils.
ballsofsteelandfury

“DON’T FUCKING CLAMJAM ME YOU FUCKHEAD!” – Virginia McCaskey
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Oh Christ, here’s Alex trying to make me think again! No, nosir, nope. Gumbygirl is sick! My brain is manufacturing snot, not thought. Here’s a joke from Gumby

Gumbygirl

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I was pretty easy on my kids. Really didn’t even push my kid when he played Little League and I coa….
/Door flies open
//Horatio, Jr. unfurls enormous scroll

OK, FIRST of all…..
Horatio Cornblower

Horatio Jr. is the kid, not the dwarf, right?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Ha ha ha, right, imagine a dwarf unfurling a scroll! Oh, man, that’s so absurd. They hate magic!” – Hunter Renfrow
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Yesterdsy [Jan 26] was the big 4 oh.
blaxabbath

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A couple years ago, I was in my hometown to play in a professional golf tournament, and there was the annual Greek Festival at my old church back when I was religious. After the Pro-Am, I went to visit my grandparents and my Uncle from Montana was setting up a tent in their backyard and throwing a frisbee with his dog. I’d never met the dog before so I gave him the old “sniff the back of my hand” gesture. My uncle failed to inform me that the poor pooch interprets that as a threat and before I knew it, he’d clamped down on my bare calf. I shook him off, but not before my uncle slapped the dog. I like most dogs more than most people, so I slugged my uncle for hitting the dog. Pretty much the only time I’ve raised hands with a family member. Though I think both my dad, and my grandpa were secretly happy I did it.

Anyway, it instantly turned black and blue and was bleeding pretty good so I cleaned it up as best I could and headed over to the local instacare. The doc gave me a week’s worth of antibiotics and I went on with the weekend. It hurt like hell and I played barely good enough to finish at the top of the last third of the standings. I went home and finished my week’s worth of antibiotics.

Cut to the following weekend. And I’d recently reconnected with this gal that I kinda had a crush on way back in high school (she was still pretty smashing!) and she wanted to come over to my house to see my vegetable and rose gardens. I whipped up a pretty solid dinner and the two of us had a nice candlelight dinner on my porch. Lovely time, and the vibe was outstanding, but as things were kinda starting to possibly head down the road to sexytown, I started shivering, pouring sweat and turned white as a sheet. She sensed I was coming down with something, and we decided to call it a night and she went home. Having blown another dumb chance to revisit the past, I decided to go to bed. When I pulled off my jeans, I realized what had happened.

My lower leg had ballooned to roughly double its size and felt like it was on fire. I immediately called my mother (who had thankfully just moved about five minutes away) and let her know I was going to the clinic. The doc took me back. He took one look at my leg which was now oozing, and said something to the effect of, “get the fuck outta here and go to the ER.” I called Ma again and had her stop by my house to pack me an overnight bag just in case and drove to the hospital.

I just rambled way too long, but long story short, as a result of my weight-loss surgery from a couple years previous, my guts failed to process any of the antibiotic pills, and my leg was MASSIVELY infected from the dog bite. The guy shot me full of an IV antibiotic and told me if I’d have waited until morning. I might’ve lost my leg. I had to go to a chemotherapy infusion center every day for the next week on my lunch break for a daily antibiotic regiment and had to keep an IV port in my elbow for the duration. Made teaching lessons very inconvenient. But that week really put a lot in perspective. The IV drugs worked and the infection cleared up. But I still have a dark purple spot on my calf four years later.

Bottom line. Don’t fuck around with a dog bite. Get your ass to the doctor!

Epilogue: That gal did not turn out to be the future Duchess LaCross, however we are still really good friends, and her little girl thinks of me as her Uncle Duke.

Sorry, that was way too long for a comment.
Col. Duke LaCross

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Creighton is having a “Pink Out” day. It’s that pastel pink from the 80’s so I’m having flashbacks of a girlfriend I had in uni that wore that shade of lipstick.

/I believe she ended up marrying a Saskatchewan Roughrider lineman
//she told me she had a thing for dumb, muscular jocks-I was her “change of pace”
///yeah…
scotchnaut

“I really get tired of all those heaving muscles and tight abs; you’re just so much easier to be around.”

Yeah. Thanks for that.
Horatio Cornblower

“I think I’ll give Mr. Buttery Muscles a try.”

-Uni Girlfriend, probably
scotchnaut

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The only drawback to watching Spanish soccer is the sheer amount of completely devastating injuries that occur on a regular basis. How these players manage to push thru the pain after writhing on the ground for a minute is truly inspiring.
scotchnaut

Mrs. Scotchy got back safely?
King Hippo

Yeah, all good there. She’s a very good driver.
scotchnaut

Did she explain why she needed to borrow your knife set before she headed out, or what those red/brown stains on her coat were when she arrived home?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I keep telling her, “It’s Not A Competition, Just Do It For Fun!” but she won’t listen-typical psychopath.
scotchnaut

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So last year I saw in person cody rhodes wrestle a full cage match with a torn Pecan.

Now he’s your 2023 men’s royal rumble winner!

….where’s redshirt, I feel nerdy talking about this to myself

How was his Pistachio though?
scotchnaut

Oh Jesus christ what a typo

“For those that don’t get it, I somehow autocorrected pectoral to pecan”
Brocky

You can’t correct it if someone has identified the comedy value in your initial comment. Sorry, those are the rules. Embrace it.
scotchnaut

They are some viscous rules we got.
ArmedandHammered

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Home renovation update: Just took a shower and the basement floor has water all over it. Very much excited about this turn of events.

It also cleans your basement? That’s cool.
Brick Meathook

I hadn’t thought of it that way.

As near as I can tell the shower water got redirected where the old cast iron pipe meets the new PVC, for reasons I do not know other than a potential clog, and went back up through an old pipe that now isn’t connected to anything.

Which means flushing the upstairs toilet is now like playing Russian roulette.
Horatio Cornblower

If anyone says “more like flushin’ roulette” I swear to god I will find you.
Horatio Cornblower

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“Cocaine Bear” is NAWT the movie that Buddy thought it was.
LemonJello

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I wish I was one of those Raiders fans that really, really, really hate the 49ers.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, no I don’t. What I really wish is that I wasn’t a Raiders fan.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Hey one of my shots was in that Wakanda trailer that was just shown on national TV.

That is the most it will ever be seen.
Brick Meathook

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Josh Johnson is officially out with a “lower back injury” per Miami medical staff.
LemonJello

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Hyundai hired Kevin Bacon for the Ioniq 6 ad and didn’t lean into Ioniq 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon?!
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why they didn’t approach Alanis Morissette is beyond me
[car drives by]

“Isn’t that an Ioniq?”

/end scene
scotchnaut

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/so pissed

MIL shows up looking for a free meal while wifey is preparing a presentation she has to do for a 1st Nations community looking to provide their elders with on-reserve health care and asking her to have a glass of wine when she gave up alcohol two months ago.
scotchnaut

If, and I stress, IF she were to disappear, you were here with us the whole time.
LemonJello

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The NFL should have a rule like the NHL, where there’s an emergency backup QB sitting in the stadium who can suit up for either team if needed. Some guy who has a regular day job and just gets free tickets to show up just in case.

The Toronto Maple Leafs once lost a game to the EBUG, who was their minor league affiliate’s Zamboni driver. I’m trying to figure out which NFL team would be most likely to lose to my hypothetical emergency QB.

Ah, it’s the Jets, isn’t it? Gotta be.
Dunstan

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“49ers QB” is the new “Spinal Tap drummer”
Dunstan

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holy fuck
fleshwound_NPG

Mr. Ayo

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Will Ms. Nel and Mr. Cola throw hands during the match? STAY TUNED
King Hippo

Petronel

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In other news

2Pack

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Drink every time you hear Kelcebowl in the next 2 weeks.
Sharkbait

Do you hate all of our livers?
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Knowing someone else hates my liver is hugely validating honestly.
makeitsnowondem

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Well, that put a sour taste in my mouth
Brocky

Houston, after #27 went ATM
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Memphis police are just glad there’s another unnecessary roughness that everyone will be talking about now
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show

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We lost it but the refs helped.
Redshirt

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Look if you give me whatever the fuck Tony Romo is making on CBS, I don’t know a damn thing about football but I will shoehorn a joke about Akili Smith shitting on a Native American’s chest.
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show

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Zebras taking revenge for all their ancestors hunted down on the savannahs by various types of tiger
Doktor Zymm

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I haven’t seen so many red flags since I met my sister-in-law.
Horatio Cornblower

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Andy Reid is worse with red flags than Joe Paterno
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show

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Does anyone want to watch these doofus Prob Owl games and write a blurb?
King Hippo

I would rather review actual bowls
Doktor Zymm

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“We didn’t replace the Bengals O-line with Folgers Crystals, they really are just that bad”
-Folgers Twitter account
Doktor Zymm

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Shouldn’t “Fire Country” be about those fire units going out and raking the forests to prevent fires?
ThePirateSloth

It should probably about how inmate crews allow California to save a ton of money fighting wildfires by using woefully underpaid inmates to do incredibly dangerous jobs, and then how those same inmates, once they get out, aren’t allowed to work as actually paid firefighters because they have criminal records.

Maybe they’ll get to that in Season 2. But I doubt it.
Horatio Cornblower

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https://twitter.com/crawf34/status/1619837524704374784

fleshwound_NPG

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Hey Balls, I found your Valentine Day’s card.

Mr. Ayo

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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