Random Thoughts With BFC, Volume 11

Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your Host, Doug Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between Doug Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the eleventh edition of a potentially sporadically recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC!  Now also (occasionally but not today) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open attempt at an advice column.

• New trend I don’t approve of–bakeries and coffee shops marketing their own “monkey bread” that is just an excuse to shove balls into a mini bundt pan. If you aren’t sopping it in butter, cinnamon, and brown sugar and/or feeding it to a simian, it isn’t really monkey bread. Don’t bullshit a fatty at brunch/lunch/breakfast/snack time.
• My elbow has been bothering me for WEEKS. Reminds me of an old joke–

Guy goes to a doctor complaining about a pain in his elbow. The doctor says “we have this new technology, just pee in here and it’ll diagnose you without fail.” The patient says “dude, did you hear me?  My elbow hurts.” And the doctor says, “trust me, give it a shot.” So the guy says what the hell and pees into a cup and the doc’s fancy new machine analyzes it and spits out a piece of paper that says “you have tennis elbow, rest for a few weeks and ice as needed.” The guy leaves in a huff and figures “I want to fuck with this thing,” so he asks his wife and daughter to both pee into the cup, scoops some of his dog’s shit in there, and jacks off into it for good measure. He brings it back to the doctor and asks him to run it through the machine again to try analyzing it now. The machine spits out another piece of paper that says “your dog has worms, call the vet. your daughter is pregnant, get a shotgun. your wife has gonorrhea and you don’t, call a lawyer. and if you don’t stop masturbating, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

• I mentioned in one of the (playoff) game threads that we watched Lord of The Rings the other night, and that Lady BFC had never seen it before. We had left closed captioning on from something else we’d been watching (I don’t remember what but assume it was British), and that definitely added a wrinkle of things I hadn’t previously heard/noticed.  Gandalf whispering instructions to a moth was absolutely a favorite. Also, Frodo is a bitch who keeps getting himself stabbed.
• I am more than a little concerned that Amazon is showing me this as recommended for me based on my search/purchase history:

• You’ve heard of Disco Stu….would that make me the Rolling Disco Jew? Regardless, I ain’t buying that thing.
• This is going to sound a little grinds my gears-y, but if like 40% of carryon bags don’t fit into the overheard compartment wheels in, that’s a design flaw of the airplane, not something passengers did wrong. Fix yo shit, airlines.
• Speaking of airline travel, on one of my recent flights a passenger couldn’t figure out how to open the bathroom. She was trying to use the ash tray to open the door, so that might have been the problem.
• Not gonna lie, I thought THIS week was hate week, not next week.  My b.
• Does it mean I just love hate week?
• Either way, this season has been a slog. Sure, some of it has to do with the Bears sucking, but between Damar, the early Thursday Night games on Amazon Prime being unwatchable, and Goodell continuing to Goodell, well let’s just say the NFL made it easier to live without football this year.
• Speaking of things that suck, is it tax season again already?  WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS.  We don’t even have to ask “hey, why doesn’t the government just tell us what we owe?” since we know why they don’t even they we know they know what we owe.
• Ok, I think we’re done here, but tune in Thursday night for the rest of the Litre-BFC meet cute story!
• Oh, but first, wrapping up with another fill in the blank: “My favorite way to celebrate Valentine’s Day is by _____________________.”