[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

All eyes on basketball this week, which I guess means that I’ll be a little distracted from thinking about my old man passing last week. Great dude, that Dick. Gonna miss that fuckin’ guy. Will rip a few parking lot donuts in his honor for sure. Or better yet, might even jump in this bad boy this week and go swamp all those fucking yacht club assholes pulling up to shore… Love you, Dad.

THE AMPHICAR MODEL 770

Model Year: 1961

Total units produced: 3878 between 1961-68

Vehicle type: Two-door, four-seater amphibious convertible

Engine: Triumph Standard SC inline-4, 69 cubic inches, 43 HP

Drivetrain: Rear engine, rear wheel drive

Transmission: 4-speed manual

Gross weight: 2324 lbs.

0-60 time: 38.3 seconds

Top speed: 70 mph on land; 7 knots on water

Vehicle cost: $2800-$3300

What makes this car interesting?

West Germany has one of the finest automotive engineering and manufacturing industries in the world. For decades, makers like Volkswagen, Audi, Porsche, Mercedes and BMW have been renowned as key scions of innovation and quality in vehicles worldwide. From the humble original Beetle all the way through the modern 911 Carrera, the Germans have their vehicle designs clearly figured out – and their consistent popularity is a testament to their skill in this area.

And then there’s the Amphicar.

Germans, as we know, are all about efficiency, which is perhaps what inspired this initial design, I suppose. Why bother owning multiple vehicles – which is expensive and takes up too much space – when you could combine their functionality all into one vessel? To the Germans’ credit, Hans Trippel legitimately solved the problem.

Germany had several amphibious predecessors to the Amphicar – the VW Schwimmwagen and Trippel’s earlier creation the SG6, among them – but they were all design exclusively for military use. After the end of WWII, as West Germany rebuilt itself under the Marshall Plan using financial aid from the Allies, civilian automotive production ramped back up, and Trippel and other manufacturers had room to experiment again.

In 1961, the Amphicar was launched, and while it didn’t especially catch on in Europe, American customers were fascinated, and are believed to have purchased about 90% of all the models produced in its eight-year production run. The car had a cutaway nose that sat just above the water line, and twin propellers at its rear that connected to the main engine via a separate transmission. The water steering came from turning the front wheels from side to side, acting as very basic rudders.

It really, truly did work as advertised. It could drive on land, navigate properly in the water, and then return to land, all without risking life or limb to any vehicle occupants. And its price point, equivalent to about $33,000 today, meant it actually would have been relatively affordable in its time. What ultimately tanked this car was the USDOT clamping down on emissions regulations, which killed the biggest source of exports from West Germany, forcing Hans Trippel and the Quandt Group to shutter their factories for good at the end of 1968.

The Amphicar remains a quirky piece of ’60s culture – it had such a unique niche in American automotive culture that it made for an ideal sweepstakes prize, as noted in a few print ads below. Even today, there are some that remain not only on the road, but in the water as well – each year in Ohio, American Amphicar owners regularly stage a “swim-in”, meeting up in their vehicles.

What makes this car stupid?

Well, it sure wasn’t fast. With such a tiny engine in it – essential for keeping the weight low and also evenly distributed across the body of the vehicle – its top speed of 7 knots in the water was pretty puny. That’s not always a deterrent, though – lots of dipshits in this country are too poor choose not to purchase cars that go fast as fuck. Their loss.

No, really, the real problem with this car is that every time it left the water, there were 13 spots on the vehicle that needed to be immediately re-greased in order to keep all the parts from seizing – including one that required removing the rear seat, which was a pain in the ass to do. As we know, most people suck absolute fucking shit at preventative maintenance on their vehicles, so one can only presume the number of these that died a premature death due to lack of factory quality control or consumer dumbassery.

At the end of the day, it’s probably fair to say that the quality of the ride both on land and in water was sub-par. But that’s what happens when you try to reach a compromise to meet both needs.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

BROTHER, AS LONG AS THE TOP IS DOWN AND THE SUN IS SHININ’, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT IN THIS BITCH.

So long as you’re in international waters, I think.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

Only problem I see is that it can’t drive underwater. That’s the last step, really. But shit! Nothing a little bit of aluminum plating, a welding torch, and a snorkel can’t solve, right? Hell, the Germans figured out how to make tanks drive underwater. Tuning up one of these bad boys should be a cakewalk by comparison.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.