Welcome back to another edition of The Jalen Ramsey Show. We’re here today to talk about your life and your money. And with over half of surveyed Americans reporting finance-related mental health stresses (52%), one wonders why every other show is about politics, sports, e-sports, and e-cigs. We have open lines at 305-943-8000. Starting off today in Morgantown, West Virginia with E. Gordon Gee. That right for West Virginia? Seems like it should be a single syllable — Cal or Buck or BIGCAL (spoken as one syllable). No matter. Welcome to The Jalen Ramsey Show, EGG.

Hello and thank you taking my call, Jalen. How are you doing today?

Better than the Jaguars under Tom Coughlin. How can I help?

You see, Jalen, I ran West Virginia, or ‘Triplé-V (en français)’ University back in the 80’s before starting my second term here in 2014. Was business as usual back then but, in these unprecedented times, the data is bearing out that the future is here and it ain’t pretty for us uhhh…errrr…’traditionalists’. Calling today because the cutbacks are here. Yessir, it’s time to start spreading the pain.

What pain?

 Oh it’s bad out there. Mind you mind me I can say it’s that NIL likeness. Why, I RAN WVU WHEN ATHLETES WERE GOOD OLD FASHIONED SLAVES IN A JOBS PROGRAM AND I RAN THE OSU WHEN ATHLETES WERE GOOD OLD FASHIONED SLAVES IN A JOBS PROGRAM….Jalen. And we didn’t have Huggy getting DUIs and broadcasting his good-hearted gay jokes on the radio. Its just that overall enrollment is way down and, you know, of those students who do attend our state land-grant university, a lot of them local products. Real….you know….

Real what? What do I know? Local high school products coming out are real what?

Jalen, I will admit that every student has different needs and so dear Morgantown may not be the most fertile pastures for ALL young minds…BUT, you know, regardless of how dark the soil in the pasture, when you plant retar– …… …… excuse me. When you plant an under-equipped seed, you get a retar– …… excuse me…

I’m tracking. Garbage In Garbage Out.

It’s tobaccy, Jalen. The seeds that don’t work are tobaccy. And, you know, they’re really really strong too, wink. Garbage Strength even.

That’s down syndrome.

Hmmm. Did I mention WVU’s BS in Health Informatics / Information Management programs is under formal review right now? Over half the programs at our school are under review as we enter this period. We’re serious about creating an institution that will one day be worthy of the title, “Affirmative Action’s Casket”.

Now, Egg, you understand this is typically a personal finance post?

It’s bigger than one person! The state legislator passed a law last year that cuts our funding for poor student performance. So those impairdy tobaccy seeds you were just talking about, well now I’m getting less money per student in state funding. But we need more resources to teach these dummies but….well, you know the drill, we’re on the verge of entering an austerity spiral. Plus our academic offerings aren’t really a value unless KAMALA is paying for your student loans.

It seems you’d be for forgiving loan debt as it doesn’t fix the borrowing problem that led to the crisis and WVU is a direct beneficiary of those —

And so I’m calling today because I don’t see how we have $4million to hand Barrellin’ [Down a PA Highway at Twice the Legal BAC] Bob Huggins over some administrative nonsense when we were trying to help that slob just exit the university to deal with his personal scandals in a…in a not-disrespectful way, Jalen.

You’re calling about Bob Huggins’ claim that he didn’t formally offer resignation per the terms of his employment agreement, leaning on the story that he was still too wasted after his DUI arrest to formally resign as a responsible adult so he guesses he’ll see you at Midnight Madness in the fall?

It’s more than that. I can’t just fire this employee. Bob Huggins IS Morgantown, West Virginia. He’s from here. He’s from an overcrowded trailer down yon dirt road. He’s a drunk! He’s also in the basketball Hall of Fame. You know, we tried to be a little flexible to help him come off like the, “oh I’m getting help thing. Shouldn’t have ingested that.” Can’t keep him around but he knows we think he’s a brilliant reflection of our own circumstances. He’s like our Roseanne! But no good deed goes unpunished. Now he’s got his hand out and I’m sure he wants his upcoming salary and a case of Bud Heavy, to start. 

The WVU endowment is $875 million. His contract is, at the least generous interpretation to you, through April of ’24. It’s a matter of months, not years. The man’s coaching days were numbered either way. There’s money there to give Bob Huggins. Just use it and be done with the man. To spend your time on this, you’d have to just live to withhold resources from people as your sole purpose in life.

Well, withhold is what I was hired to do, Jalen. Sorry you don’t understand finance. Maybe we can get you into one our programs at the John Chambers College of Business and Economics….once it’s formal academic reviews are complete first, of course. Alright I gotta go. I have a legacy to build.

Well, that’s one tough Egg to crack. I mean, it is his job to do — but maybe there’s a reason people of poor character do not thrive in university leadership positions.

In the mean time, I’m gonna shoot over here to line two where we have Justin in San Diego, California. Justin, what has you in the Plymouth of the West?

Oh just visiting today. I have no business in San Diego. They don’t have a football team and I’m a football quarterback who just signed my first big contract extension. 5 years, $262 million with, get this, $218million guaranteed. Deshaun got $230million and —

Not worried about Deshaun Watson or the Cleveland Browns. You shouldn’t be either.

So I’m the second QB in my class to get my extension and, understandably, the Eagles success meant Jalen Hurts got his deal first.

Don’t care about Jalen Hurts or his deal. He’s a Super Bowl champion. You’re not. You’re not the same. You need to worry about you. Where’s your Super Bowl title?

Well, another item them, I have a running back teammate, Austin, who is feeling undervalued and I think now that I have some leverage as a leader, I can maybe talk to ownership because, you know, we’re working to build something special here in LA and —

We built something special in LA. We won a Super Bowl.

Right but I think this extension offers me the opportunity to do more with the team.

Go work. Cut your hair and go to work. Go win a Super Bowl. That’s the only advice I have for you. It’s the only advice you need.

Alright then. I guess I’ll just hang up and….go to work then. Thanks Jalen.

Good calls today. Glad to see people paying attention and asking questions. It’s a far cry from how stupid people work. Just a reminder to our listeners out there that personal finances are just that: personal. Your money is your power and we’ll see you next time, right here, on The Jalen Ramsey Show.