Training camps are underway and the Hall of Fame Game is next Thursday.

Call me Rod Stewart’s stomach ‘cause I’m pumpT.

Mental preparations and rationing the dopamine after Nuk Hopkins signed with TEN is already underway. Inwardly, I have cleared headspace and restored Fantasías to NFL settings. Outwardly, yesterday I started vibing that the rest of the 2023 Sundays are off limits to any cinematic, cultural, constructive, familiar, gastronomical, outdoorsy, professional and / OR social activities that do not involve a live NFL game.

If you happen to get hawt National Fitbaw Lee action on your cellphone, and good WiFi, allow me to confirm: you are located on a First World country. Oh sí. But as with all superpowers, there is a downside. Saying to the wrong person that you have portable Sunday Night Football can lead to “So watch on your damn cellphone. I’ll drive. Here’s pants [land on face]”.

And then you are off, becoming the second wheel to baptisms, interventions, exorcisms, weddings, funerals, a short visit to the mall, or a Hi & Bye to someone in the hospital. I could tolerate cellphone peeking during the second and third quarters of games while on The Out Doors, doing any of that humane or commiseration shit. If my detachment irks someone and I’m confronted, I’ll discreetly say “I came”–and give a sweet or goofy look. That will diffuse tension enough to go dive into fantasy results.

But actual enjoyment of fitbaw, for me, requires compartmentalizing all Non-NFL stimuli into the TOMORROW part of the brain. Also required: good WiFi to talk shit ably.

So then, as a pre-wash for the brain, here are the things to remember for the 2023 season.

1. DAN SNYDER IS OUT OF THE NFL

Yeah yeah. The NFL will always be a trough for capitalist pigs and a sprinkle of crumbs for hundreds of world-class athletes. And yet, right now, Dan Snyder has no relation to anything I care about.

Hell yeah

2. It’s a 17 game season. It means one more home or away game with a team from the other conference. AFC teams host this year. So DUUUUVAL gets eight home games, despite the Jags playing twice in Englen: one “home” game against Atlanta, one “away” game at the Bills.

Back to the 17 games in the regular season. I…

[brooding mull]

I don’t like it. There, I said it. Gluttony has a downside–who knew! Plus, 17 games means that previous season records are meaningless. 1,000 yards receiving / rushing is rendered bleh. Yeah thanks, I know fractions and percentages. But I’m talking about feel.

Plus with 17 games, all Jeff Fisher jokes are ruined.

Via tigerdroppings.com

This is not the world I want for me.

On the other hand, most likely I’ll feel robbed if one regular season game is taken away and we get 16 again. My fix: leave the regular season at 18 weeks, but add another bye. Everybody wins! You can tie one of the two byes to after Thursday / Friday games. Hell, you can easily expand on the International series and get a bye after playing abroad anywhere. That could make reality the best possible of all International games: Patriots @ Giants in Pyongyang.

3. Those helmets.

Via postimages / The Athletic

My old man nerves get riled thinking that those helmets will eventually be used in games.

[shoves thought into TOMORROW bin]

4. Head coach Dan Campbell may be a leader, instead of a giant Y chromosome on meth. And the Lions may not be terrible. Hmm. I dunno. Giving the Lions the NFC North Champs preseason title smells like [sniffs]… There’s the smoky and [deep inhale] rotting pork fat musk of “The Browns are contenders with OBJ and Baker Mayfield”. I’m rooting for a scorching game on Week 1 TNF @ Chefs, and give Detroit the benefit of the doubt—until Thanksgiving. If the Lions don’t have a winning record by then, Detroit: I will withhold my affections and become distant until blooming into indifference.

5. The Chasm. Placebo Ball starts with the Jets – Browns on Thursday and lasts until August 27. Then comes The Chasm, those eleven days of NOTHING until Week One. Upside: eleven days is plenty of time to be act like a caring human and ride that recency bias until, say… Week 7.

6. Doubleheader MNF on Week 2. Saints @ Panthers (6:15 DFO Time), Steelers @ Browns (7:15 wtf!). I will never, ever, EVER understand the logic of overlapping two prime time games. It’s the sort of “Because I can” dick-swing made giddily by despots everywhere.

7. Sunday AM Mandatories:

Five weeks of compulsory fitbaw, between early October and early November, at 8:30 DFO Time:

Falcons “@” Jags – Week 4 (Wembley, UK)

Jags “@” Bills – Week 5 (Tottenham, UK)

Ravens “@” TITANS – Week 6 (Tottenham, UK)

Dolphins “@” Chefs – Week 9 (Frankfurt, GER)

🚧🚨THIS IS DURING VEGAS DFOCON🚨🚧

📣📣NOT A DRILL📣📣

Colts “@” Patriots – Week 10 (Frankfurt, GER)

That’s an AFC South-heavy slate. To upend that trade imbalance, the US should host the EPL’s Robin Hoods, Wolves, and Chelsea (the EPL Jags).

NFL NEWS

-Danielle Hunter signed a one-year deal with the Minnesota Vikings for 2023, $20 million / $17 guaranteed. Great signing, sure. But this is what everyone thinks but nobody talks about: Danielle?  ,

Via postimages / Bruce Kluckhohn (AP)

I don’t think there’s anything funny about the name. And, from experience: I bet Mr. Hunter is, at most, the third most feared Danielle in the world.

-Throwing: QB Brock Purdy, at 49ers practice. Per espendeportes, Purdy is practicing two out of three days and his arm “se siente genial”. Reminder: a recovering Trey Lance plus Sam Darnold round out the Niners’ QB Room.

-For diehards: injury updates per team.

-Gossip and shade: player defends enabler, starring Qaron and Nathaniel Hackett, with special guest Sean Payton. It seems last week Payton drive-byed Hackett regarding Russell Wilson’s poor, poor 2022. Update! Payton “regrets” coach evisceration, Jets visit Donks Woo! On Week 5.

-RB Dalvin Cook visited the Jets today. Actual NY Post headline: “Somthing [sic] Cook-ing”

-Colts RB Jonathan Taylor requested a trade. The context is: Jim Irsay said Taylor is not getting traded, “Not now and not in October!” and the Clots are not extending Taylor beyond this year. Taylor is currently on the physically unable to perform list. I hope Taylor pulls a Jalen Ramsey under Tom Coughlin:

injury –> malingering –> trade -> Owl ring.

-Speaking of, Dolphins CB Jalen Ramsey underwent meniscus surgery and will be out until December (source: tweet seen yesterday). So the Dolphs signed former Jints and Bengal Eli Apple.

-Philly DB Darius Slay settles differences with Matt Patricia, the Eagles’ 2023 Scapegoat and  “senior defensive assistant”. Once upon a time, Slay played in Detroit. Until Slay said he had to leave after losing respect for his then head coach, Matt Patricia. The turning point was this incident (via Detroit Free Press):

“[Patricia] told me in front of the whole team, in the team meeting room, showed clips of me in practice getting a ball caught on me or so in practice,” Slay said. “I posted a picture (of a wide receiver on social media), and he told me, stop sucking this man’s private. So I’m like, ‘Whoa.’ I’m like, ‘Hold up.’ Where I’m from, that don’t fly. Cause I wouldn’t say that to him. I wouldn’t say to him to stop you know what to Bill Belichick. I wouldn’t do that. That’s just not me as a man. That’s disrespectful to me and so from there on it was done with.”

This had been another instalment of “When Testosterone Goes Terribly Wrong”.

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central

Grandes Ligas

As always, slur-free.

Y*nk*s (Severino) @ FIRST PLACE ORIOLES WTF! (Kremer) – 6:00

/pours one out for tWBS

Top Flight Fútbol

Sorry. I need the headspace for offensive linemen camp battles.

Womens’ World Cup

The early morning fixtures are the last games of groups B and C.

Group C

Japan v. Spain  2:00 AM

Both teams already qualified for next round. At stake, avoiding Sweden in the next game (source: overheard comment)

Costa Rica v. Zambia – 2:00 AM

For pride. Both have two losses, scored zero goals, and are -5 (CR) and -10 (ZAM) in goal difference.

Group B

Australia hosts Canada – 5:00 AM

A Commonwealth Darrby! AUS (3 points) needs a win to advance, CAN goes to the next round with a tie.

Ireland v. Nigeria – 5:00 AM

IRE is already eliminated, NIG is tied with CAN at 4 points.

So, in theory, we may have crazy live table action in Group B to start this week, hopefully with Canada going through the next round.

For this Women’s World Cup, I’m keeping headspace and tabs on Las Cafeteras–who defeated GER this morning in injury time woo! I could’ve watched, but my insomnia is not pulling its weight. Meh. Guess that’s the downside of awesome stuff starting to happen, like the NFL season WITHOUT DAN SNYDER WOOO! Ding dong the witch is DED!