Then the Lord said to him, “This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it.”

– Deuteronomy 34:4

I hear you knockin’, but you can’t come in.

– D. Bartholomew

Author’s note: I’m writing this on Day 2 after testing positive for COVID.  Don’t expect this to be as funny or good as my past reviews, which admittedly is already a low bar.  I’m only doing this to avoid the eternal shame of not writing my team’s preview.

Last Season: 12-4, Lost AFC Championship.  The Bengals showed that the 2021 season wasn’t a fluke, but they also showed that they’re still the Bengals.  Amazing performances that showed why they earned the right to be referenced in the top tier of the NFL followed by asinine performances that makes you wonder if they’ve ever seen a football before in their lives.

But the Bengals are close.  Closer than they have even been to a championship.  They have gone to the playoffs before, but this is the first time they actually did it in back to back seasons.  On top of that, they won playoff games in both postseasons.  What used to be fantasy has become reality.  The Bengals are good!  And the team knows it too.  They know they are on the cusp of football immortality and they know what needs to be done.  To show to the league, their fans, even themselves the Bengals are here to stay.  They even announced something today while I was in a Tylenol Flu Severe induced COVID Lucid Coma.  They finally announced the ext—

They got permission to wear their normal white kits with their white striped helmets.  

I’m going to miss these good Bengals years.

Quarterbacks: Joe Burrow is our QB.  Nothing else needs said.  13-4, Super Bowl LVII Champions.  

Quarterbacks: That screaming and crying you’ve heard three weeks ago was the Bengals fan base seeing Joe Burrow being carted off the practice field with a calf strain.  Which not only shows the Offensive Line is already in mid-season form, but the season is already stepping out of the starting gates hydroplaning and threatening to head towards the grandstands.

Reports are “several weeks”, and one of the segments on local sports radio was the definition of the word “several”, which shows you how concerned the fanbase rightfully is.

The backups are journeyman Trevor Siemian and practice squad resident Jake Browning.  Unless Browning really shines in preseason, it’s Siemian’s job to lose.  Which leads us back to Burrow’s injury.  You don’t want to rush Burrow back too quickly or else you can turn “several weeks” into “the whole damn year”, so regardless on who wins the job of Caretaker QB, its going to depend on the other position groups to step up and see if we can at least go .500 until Burrow comes back.

Running Backs: Joe Mixon took a pay cut to remain a Bengal, which is the new NFL standard for rewarding starting RBs for a promising start for your career.  As for backups, Samaje Perine is now in Denver, so the role of relief RB, 3rd Down RB and Last Drive of the Fucking Super Bowl RB is between young mid-round picks, Trayveon Williams, Chris Evans and Chase Brown.  Also, since Mixon is showing some wear and tear in the late rounds of his career, one of these guys will definitely see some starts this year.

Wide Receivers: This may be the last year of JaMarr Chase, Tee Higgins and Tyler Boyd, which is good because they’re gonna need all their talent to get a few wins out of Siemian/Browning.  Few teams have a WR1A and a WR1B.  We’re lucky enough to have a WR1C.

Tight Ends: Sadly, the Bengals have continued their trend of letting their starting Tight Ends go elsewhere for a payday.  Besides the line, this is the only area of the offense where there is a weakness.  Not because it’s bad, but because it’s just average.

Offensive Line: How the Offensive Line goes, so goes the Bengals.  The Buffalo playoff win and Chiefs playoff loss last year attests to that.  They have improved from last year, but that was already a low bar to begin with.

Defensive Line: Continues to be the strength of the defense.  It has the talent and depth to improve the other positions and keep the teams in games they should be out of.  Play to the whistle.

Linebackers: Not overly talented, but the heart of the defense.

Defensive Back: Good News: Eli Apple is finally gone.  Bad News: Both starting safeties are gone as well.  Have young players ready to replace, but it depends on how much growing pains they’ll be this year.

Coaching: Zac Taylor is a great players coach, but a terrible play caller.  By Year 4, we know who he is.

Prediction: Due to the uncertainty of Joe Burrow’s return from injury, I’m including three scenarios.

Burrow returns Week 1, but came back too early and gets hurt: 7-10, missed playoffs.

Burrow starts Week 3, slow start but picks up as he goes: 0-2 without Burrow, 10-7, sneak into playoffs.

Burrow returns after Week 7 Bye Week, fully healed: 3-3 without Burrow, 11-6, another playoff run.

The injury sucks, but it’s not horrific.  If it didn’t happen, the path to the playoffs would’ve been all but set.  Now, they need the team to step up and keep the ship afloat while Burrow is recovering.  Past Bengals teams would’ve gone into a nosedive, but I’m confident this team has the heart and talent to pull it off.

As for the future, it’s up to the Bengals.  They’ve been dealt a winning hand.  It’s up to them how to play it.

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