Apparently, 26 August is National Blow Notre Dame Day (congratulations to those who celebrate).  Not much other excuse for them playing bad-even-for-their-recent-history Naval Academy crew…with essentially the ENTIRE slate to themselves.  Seriously, this is absolute monkey feces.  But I get ahead of myself, we have good Premiership action first.

Cherries host Spurs to start things off, early and on goddamned TV as is proper (7:30, USA).  We get it, y’all really want us to buy Peacock.  Y’all needs to get that the pushing is reaching the point of diminishing rerturns (ie, people canceling and sailing the piratical seas, out of pure spite).  On the pitch, Hippo wonders if there will be a wee hangover from the visitors’ smashing performance last weekend.  I bet yeah right’s crew at least lead at the half.  Worth your time.

Other Hippo thinks I am full of shit, and he’s certainly not wrong.

Recall that Hippo’s Everton support is really just a trick of the subconscious, resulting in another creative way to hate myself.  No points so far this season, and the already-insufficient investment/cash injection we’ve been counting on…has hit a brick wall.  Again, I raise the spectre of administration, points deductions, and a cascading fall to League One (or worse).  It is very, very plausible.  Perhaps likelier than not.  A toxic Goodison Park will welcome equally hapless Wolves (10:00, Peacock) if you are a glutton for punishment.

Otherwise, a massive Clubhouse Derby (King’s Afrikan Water Pistols v. Mighty Whitey) is on USA.  Seriously, watch that.  Fulham need a reaction after last week’s limp home display against Praise Beesus.  Speaking of, Bees are also streaming against Palace, while Men Untied take on the Rapey Robins Hood (also 10:00, Peacock).

Shit hot, top of the Table Brighton host this week’s Spotlight Dance, and rightly so.  De Zerbi is equal parts madman and wizard, perhaps the spiritual successor to Marcelo Bielsa.  I mean, he’s Italian, so I think legally required to be Catholic?  Trashbirds will tussle with a decent starting Rum Ham (12:30, NBC), very worthwhile viewing.

Sunday’s not half bad, neither – a USA double dip of Team Knifey hosting City of Men (9:00), followed by the Vilest of Cockmongrels Derby (11:30), Geordie Arabia against that Redshite filth Hippo is always railing about.  Waaaaahhhhh, poor you, with the Saudi League trying to give you massive money for pretty close to washed Mo Salah.  Life is so unfair for those micropenis whingers.

Here’s what to hate watch after one’s Saturday nap…

UTEP (pick ’em) at Jacksonville State (5:30, CBSSN)

Be still my beating heart, C-USA play is back FOAR REALS, and we will all be there to witness it.  What a time to be alive.  I don’t even know what JSU’s mascot is.  WAIT, are they maybe the other Gamecocks squadron?  I really do have no life whatsoever.

Next time I post (well, after tonight’s which is already in the hopper), it will be Most Blessed September.  We have almost made it, fuckadoos!