Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 6, 2023 Season

Well, looky-loo.  We have waded one-third of the way through the regular season.  With one turd of a Week 6 slate.

Closing out this year’s London series, you had Ratbirds and Tits – seemingly a pretty interesting matchup.  You know, on paper.  In reality, Balmer ran out to an 18-3 halftime lead, courtesy of as goofy an ending as you will see.  4th and 3 with 12 seconds to play, Harbs weirdly decides to punt, from around the TEN 46.  I say weird, because one short completion gives you a FG try.  If incomplete, your opponent only has one play, anyway.  But the return man tries to catch the ball around the 10, muffs it, and BAL recovers with 1 second remaining.  Chip shot FG ensues.

El Tractorcito tried to bulldoze his crew back in it, but it never got closer than a 5-point margin.  These teams ended up with a solitary TD apiece, but nine combined field goals.  The last of these came with backup QB Malik Willis turning 1st and goal at the 1 into 3rd and goal from the 21.  Tanny Fanny was 8-16 with a pick before leaving injured.  No joy on the onside kick front, not that Willis could have done shit with it, anyway.  24-16, Ravens.

It would get uglier.  Significantly so.

Minshew Mania’s North Florida revenge tour?  Eh, not so much.  Prison Girlfriend’s flowing locks would win the day easily, thanks in part to multiple Fat Hump turnovers (food PHRASING).  I noticed almost nothing about this game, Jaguras win 37-20.

Joe Burrow again looked spry in the first half, but Seattle hung in, down only 4.  In the second half, everyone played like room temperature, monkeyshit-flavoUred oatmeal.  Each team derped into a solitary FG, and the WKRP defense came up with a 4th down stop in the final minute.  17-13, Cincy.

Miami had the courtesy to spot our solemn Black Panthers a 14-nil lead.  They wouldn’t even cover, as the LOLfins offense ran off 6 straight TDs, interrupted only by a Mike White garbage time pick six.  42-21, in front of dozens of bored Florida Men.

Yeah, this is kind of an adult ADHD wrapup.  I get it.  At times, I felt face blind for these games, though I truly was present and awake the whole time.

I hate Rebecca Howell so much.  151 lousy yards (this week was 70s throwback in many ways), but somehow 3 scores.  “Riverboat” went into a shell once they built a 24-10 Commie lead, but it worked out for them.  Desmond Ridder absolutely has shit for brains, and his bizarre decisionmaking stopped late drive after late drive.  24-16, WAS.

Oh dear, it appears that Strawberry Fields might have got himself ded again.  But hey, the Tank is back on, right??  Sommet called “Tyson Bagent” came in, leading the Bearistocrats! to one Q4 touchdown drive.  Alas, they needed two.  Dingleberry (and his 5.8 Jefferson-less YPA) holds on for a most unimpressive 19-13 win.  This was a really, REALLY shitty performance, all around.

Speaking of?  Purdy Mouth picked the wrong week to have his first dud.  Santa Clara jumped out to a quick 10-zip lead on the shores of Lake Erie, and you’d think that would be enough, given that #ThePauls were starting indie rock queen PJ Harvey at quartered back, and that…they were #ThePauls.  But everything that could go wrong for the Tomsulas did.  Deebo Samuel left injured.  Christian McCaffrey would follow him – and that straw maybe broke the camel’s back.  That vaunted defense held CLE in the red zone, but they still took a 19-17 lead on consecutive FG drives.  That said, one big play to Brandon Aiyuk helped put them in medium FG range at the death…and third round pick Jake Moody pushed it wide right.  There will be no perfect season for Baby Shanny, not that such was ever really in the cards.  This game was weird, with an unexpected outcome and not quite as awful to watch as its compatriots.

That’s really as nice as I can say about any of these fixtures.

Break up the 500s?  CJ Stroud finally threw a pick, and had a mediocre day overall.  Yet the defense stepped up, and they handled a decent-enough Saints team without too much trouble, 20-13.  Recall that I picked them for the Surly Duff division mid-week, to amused guffaws.  Y’all just watch, DeMeco Ryans knows his shit.

Four games in the late window, which did manage to be even crappier.

4-1 Detroit invaded the 3-1 MRSA Creamsicles, the NFC’s surprise packages dueling it out.  Outside of the kitschy alternate kit (MOAR 70s throwback action), MRSA was a no-show, and the Fuck LioUns defense crushed their bollocks to mere powder.  20-6, even without David Montgomery for most of the game.

RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! similarly played good defense against an overmatched/helpless opponent (in this case, the Qards).  Black Powder was under constant pressure, and finally had the kind of game you’d expect from a journeyman practice squadder.  Kyren Williams went over a buck-fifty, and it became a laugher late, 26-9 the final.

How committed is CBS to Big Narrative?  They sent their lead crew to Vegas, where the 2-3 Raiders hosted the 1-4 (with cement shoes) P*ts.  Because ZOMG!!!  Belicheck and McDaniels so much genius on ONE HUMBLE PITCH.  I guess the “revenge” trophy goes to Brian Hoyer, who came on for a back-owied Janeane Garafolo and played well enough to eke out the win.  It was 19-17 when the P*ts D got the ball back for one last sad The Legend of White Mac stand.  He made one really good, deep toss…which was dropped.  Followed by a delay of game, followed by a safety, followed by an unsuccessful “onside” free kick.  21-17 Raiders, who get back to a very soft .500.

Much like Santa Clara earlier, Philly…fucked around and found out.  Iggles ran out to a 14-3 Q2 lead.  To that point, the Jest had done fuckshit on offense.  The Jest would do fuckshit on offense the rest of the game.  Yet, three dumb pickerceptions (the last being a completely unnecessary risk, when they could have pinned NYJ back deep with a punt and like 70 seconds to play) kept the scoreline close.  Jest could only manage FGs, until starting the winning drive at the PHI 11.  Breece Hall score, complete 2-pointer, and hold Hurts and company to TWO TOTAL YARDS on their final, desperation drive.  That defense is legitimately badass, they just need to somehow find a C-minus offensive formula.  But 3-3 leaves Salah’s bunch with a chip and a chair.  This was apparently the Jest’ first EVAR win over Philly in franchise history.

And with that, we say goodbye to ALL undefeated seasons in the National Football League.  It seems fitting, no?

Anyway, Bills Mafia…kinda seemed to forget they had a game tonight.  Only one first half drive of any consequence whatsoever, ending in a Bass-NO-matic miss from 53.  Meanwhile, the Vertically Enhanced Persons MADE both their placements, and looked on the verge of a third, then more likely an actual TOUCHED DOWN…but then they tripped over their dick, tried to RUN from the 1 with 14 seconds and no timeouts.  On FIRST FUCKING DOWN.  Saquon got stuffed, they did not even almost get lined up for the spike.  6-nil, but you can see where this shit is headed.

As soon as BUF scores this TD to take the late Q3 lead, I’mma stop typing, and dare these shitasses to prove Hippo wrong.  Actually, inside the 10 is close enough, the pseudo-doctor is calling it.